Pregnant and Depressed [Diary]

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by feathers, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    After accepting the way I’m feeling is depression (and hence not just a bad pregnancy like I thought), I’m starting to feel totally and utterly robbed. I haven’t enjoyed this pregnancy. I’ve spent it in bed, no energy, no motivation, nothing. Wishing and counting the days and weeks away and swearing I will never ever do this again.

    That’s not what its meant to be like. After 2 miscarriages and trying for 6 months for my angel baby I hoped to at least be happy while pregnant but I’m not. I’ve been wishing since pretty much the beginning that it was over. From 24 weeks I’ve wanted to go in and beg for a c-section just so I can start to feel a hint of normal again.

    I keep trying to figure out where it went from normal pregnancy feelings to depression but I don’t think I’d be happy with the answer even if I found it. I kind of feel like if I’d known I was depressed, maybe something could have been done and it wouldn’t have had to be like this.

    I’ve had to put up with my midwife constantly dragging up my mental health issues, which pissed me off but certainly didn’t help. If I didn’t even notice how the hell was she meant to? And now I have noticed I rang my psychiatrist to find out he has left the hospital… And I can’t even sort that until his secretary comes back from training next week. Fucking. Useless.

    I dread this. I’m excited for my baby big time but with every ounce of motivation and energy being sucked from me I can’t help but feel robbed of the joy I should be feeling being 1 day away from term with my beautiful rainbow baby.
  2. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I really wish I could have enjoyed this pregnancy. After my miscarriages and longing for my rainbow baby for 3 years I thought I'd spend these 9 months in an impenetrable bubble of joy but my experience has been far from it.

    Early in pregnancy, all the energy and motivation seeped from me and I stopped getting out of bed most days. My presence at OH's gigs dwindled. I thought it was just first tri tiredness and counted the days until week 11, week 12, week 13, when surely the placenta would take over and I would get that promised second tri burst of energy... It never came.

    I'm 37 weeks tomorrow and I still haven't had any energy or motivation, no drive to get out of bed. Even when I have places to go, I want to go to OHs gig, I want to get up and go to the supermarket with him, I can't. When I want to get up for food, water, toilet trip, I can't. I will honestly lie there until I am on the verge of vomiting from hunger sometimes before I will get up.

    The idea of me doing housework is laughable. OH does everything, works full time, plays in a band doing gigs Friday and Saturday nights, does whatever house work. I can't help, I can't get up, I feel totally and completely useless, pathetic etc that I don't help but that doesn't make me any more likely to get up and do it.

    My sex drive doesn't exist. I didn't want to have sex in first tri due to my miscarriage history. But that turned out to be a handy excuse because I didn't want to have sex. That stayed the same and is still the same. No second tri sex drive... We've had sex 3 times I think and I've not enjoyed it any of those times. I feel guilty about that too.

    The whole time of pregnancy I've just been thinking everyone feels like this and I'm just the one pathetic, lazy one who can't deal with it. Or that I was just unlucky. Many times I said it felt exactly like being depressed but without the sadness. Never did I think I could be depressed without the sadness.

    I've felt so awful the entire time. It makes me feel terrible, guilty and like I don't deserve my baby by admitting this but from early in pregnancy until near viability day (24 weeks, abortion limit and also when baby has 50% chance of survival) I honestly thought to myself "is it too late to have an abortion?" As much as this baby is very wanted and was very tried for, I still felt that way and it was awful. Then as the 24 week viability day approached I would dream of going into hospital and begging them to just get her out of me. I would wonder, how early is too early to bring her? 50% survival rate at 24 weeks... Would 27 weeks be okay? 30 weeks? When would I be able to almost guarantee she would survive? Then as I reached those points the goal would extend... When would it be almost guaranteed she wouldn't be affected for life? When could I justify inflicting prematurity on my baby to just let me feel normal again. It's horrid... I know. I'd never do it but god did it feel like I would.

    Now its 37 weeks nearly. A friend who had the same due date as me had her baby at 35 and a half weeks and is having issues and is still in hospital. Obviously I don't want that for my baby but I still find myself wishing she would come now despite it still being early. I don't want her to though. I want her to stay in until she is ready so I can have my natural, drug free labour so she can have the best start possible.

    There's even been times (which should have been a big red flag) that I've wanted to go in and beg for them to get her out so that I could kill myself. Obviously I couldn't do that with her inside me still... She is my world and I would never harm her. But then I would think, she would be out then so it would be over and I wouldn't need to kill myself... So I just soldier on...

    A whole other issue would come if I was overdue. I don't want to succumb to pressure to induce but how can I say no when I feel this bad? I need to stay strong for her but its hard. I just want her in my arms and I want this 9 month long torture to end.
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Fed up of seeing women who are having perfectly normal pregnancies attempting to use natural methods to get baby to come, when they're not even 37 weeks yet (or barely). It's not like a ticking clock where the second you hit midnight at 37 weeks your baby is ready and fine to come out... Yes I am utterly sick and fed up of pregnancy too, I've been depressed all the way through but it still doesn't cloud my judgement enough to think that my baby's health should come second to me being "sooo over it". Yes I want her out, I want to cuddle her and love her and feed her and dress her in the clothes I've collected for the past 9 months. I want to go back to being able to get out of bed, showering/bathing more than once a week, having a sex drive, not wanting to die and not feeling guilty about the fact I am utterly useless at the minute and do nothing to help my OH or provide for our baby. But she still comes first, because she is my world.

    It's a little funny, when I was 18 (nearly 4 years ago now) I went through a very tough depressive episode and I felt that all I wanted in the world was to have a little baby of my own. I felt they would give me a reason to want to be alive when literally nothing else made me want to stay on this planet. This led to a pregnancy and my first of 2 miscarriages. Now that I am actually having a baby, and am depressed again (I was not depressed prior to this pregnancy) I've found that I was right. I didn't realise this was depression for a very long time, because I didn't have that all engulfing sadness and unbearable urge to kill myself. I can't kill myself when I'm pregnant. I can't kill myself when I have a baby girl to look after. She is now first, she is my whole world. I'd do anything for her (including carrying her until she is ready, be that 37, 40, or 43 weeks). So I guess I was right in that it would stop me wanting to kill myself. I have too much to look forward to. I have the hope I didn't have (or at least couldn't see) when I was 18.

    On another note, I'm feeling inexplicably worse today. I've caught some virus that is going around and that, coupled with the depression and being 37(+2) weeks pregnant is making me feel like I am dying. I also somehow still don't feel like I'm going to actually have a baby in a few weeks time. After my two miscarriages I find it hard to believe that I ever will. Could I be that lucky?

    I hate hearing of people who take their babies for granted. Who leave them to cry or neglect them in other ways. Or treat them with no respect or forget just how lucky they are to be blessed with something as precious as a child. Why can't you see what you have? I see what I have, and she is the light of my life.
  4. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    This is the last thing I need :(. When I came off my medication at 27 weeks pregnant, my psychiatrist told me, if things go bad to just ring up and he would get me in for an appointment pretty urgently. So things went bad and I rang back! Expecting to be made a nice quick appointment, to be told that the psychiatrist in question had left. They said his secretary was on training but they would get her to ring me back on Monday. So it's Monday, and no call. I rang and an automated voice said the number had changed, and gave me a number for the crisis team... I rang them and the man told me that not only had he left, I had been discharged from the mental health service, and would have to go to my GP to be rereferred. GREAT.

    Why do I need this. How is it okay to say "okay you can come back in ASAP if need be" to try and agree to get me to come off my medication, and then DISCHARGE ME. Was it all just a lie to get me to agree to come off the medication and then leave me alone? I am well and truly pissed off.
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Feeling a bit whiny and self-entitled today. I knew 2 people IRL and one through a friend on Facebook who were all pregnant, the 2 IRL have had their babies and the FB friend is being induced imminently. I genuinely just feel like throwing an "I want my baby now" strop and I don't even care.

    When at least 2 of those 3 babies were unplanned and mine has been long and desperately awaited since 2010, tried for actively for 6 months, I just feel so jealous that these women get their babies before me. I know it's stupid and illogical and blah blah blah but I want my baby okay :(.

    Sick of being depressed and feeling like shit. Also sick of feeling like I'm not really going to have a baby... Like I still can't believe things are going to go to plan after 2 miscarriages. How am I lucky enough to get a baby?

    I went to GP today to be re-referred to psychiatrist. I came away and wrote a 4 page later to the clinic in advance of my appointment telling them what I expect of the appointment because for 5 years now I've tried the gentle approach of going into appointments and being very unassertive (I'm crap at it) and now I've officially given up and trying a more forceful approach. Hopefully this will work. I'm also going to request to see the perinatal psychiatrist at the hospital, when I see my midwife on Wednesday. So hopefully if my new psych is an arse about medicating me, hopefully the perinatal psych will be happier to do so.

    I want my baby. Will telepathically begging her to come now work? :'(
  6. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Feel so full of guilt. I have been a terrible mother throughout this whole pregnancy due to the depression, first and foremost my diet. It's not even the fact I don't eat too healthily, it's the fact I don't eat. My motivation is so little that I just can't be bothered to get out of bed. So if my fiancé isn't home to get me food I will just lie there, getting hungrier and hungrier until I start fighting back vomit, which is when I usually decide I have to get up and get food. Though if there is anything whatsoever in the bedroom (chocolate etc) I will just eat that to try to keep me going without throwing up. I've never exercised the entire pregnancy in any way. I'm really so surprised and lucky that my baby is measuring 50th centile (though I have been taking my pregnancy vitamins religiously).

    Ugh. I feel so guilty. I know it's the depression but it's not an excuse. This is my baby. But I can't improve it, even this morning, after feeling this guilty all day yesterday, it took until I was gagging from hunger to actually get up. How can I keep doing this?

    16 days until my due date though obviously it could be longer, especially with being my first baby. I just can't wait until she is born, though what's the say I won't continue to be depressed and being a terrible mother then? Though I'm trying my best to get to see a psychiatrist before she is born, I am just worried it won't work and I will end up still feeling this way, or worse, after she's here. At least I will be able to look into her eyes and cuddle her...

    I feel worse and worse about the thoughts I used to have. Back in first trimester when I was really suffering (I think with the depression too but I honestly can't pinpoint how far back it goes) I used to wonder whether it was too late to get an abortion. I'd never ever do it, but I would think about it. How could I think that? This is my rainbow baby who I love more than the world. But the suffering was too much and I thought about myself first and foremost.

    Then when she reached viability point I used to think about what point it would be okay (ie she would most likely SURVIVE) if I went into hospital and begged and pleaded with them to just get her out now. I used to question when it was okay to inflict prematurity on my baby just so that I could feel better. Again I'd never do it but it really felt like I would a lot of the time. And I feel horrendous for it.

    Now that she's term, I'm struggling possibly more. I haven't got long left to go but knowing that she is ready, that if she's born now she will be fine, I find these thoughts of wanting to just get her out now becoming stronger and stronger. I want a home birth, natural with no pain meds or anything - what's best for her, and myself really - but I'm losing sight of the vision. It's starting to look less important than just getting this baby out of me so there's a chance that this seemingly endless fog will start to clear.

    I'm tired of guilt, I'm tired of feeling pathetic and weak, I'm tired of being tired. I want to feel like myself again, rather than just an incubator (and not a very good one at that).
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Felt a bit better today (or yesterday now I suppose.) Actually did stuff and felt like I had some energy. Went to midwife appointment which was good, I changed midwife as my old one constantly had something negative to say about my "small" (50th centile btw) baby or my choice to home birth or my mental health. The new one was lovely and didn't have a negative word to say (even though fundal height was still behind - old mw would have used that to have a dig). Baby is also starting to engage (4/5) finally! So I'm excited about that. I was having stomach cramps yesterday, I got a little excited I was going into labour lol but it must have been her engaging. Keep it up baby!

    Me and OH also had quite a productive night, he did more than me as usual but I helped in the making of cupcakes and washing baby clothes/cloth nappies and hanging them up. (Sounds daft but it feels like a big step, I normally don't get out of bed). I showered too (though that's because I absolutely HAD to before my midwife appointment!)

    All in all quite productive, I don't feel nearly as bad today as I have done. I wonder if its a sign that baby is on the way :p.
  8. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Back to feeling bad today meh. At least I managed to get out of bed and get something to eat before the point of nearly vomiting? Yay!

    Last night I got a phone call from a mental health clinic nearby (not the one I used to go to) wanting to make an appointment for an INITIAL ASSESSMENT. (Rewind: Since 2 weeks ago today I've been trying to get an appointment at the clinic I go to since my psychiatrist pretty much promised me when I agreed to come off medication that if I felt bad I could just ring up and get an appointment booked ASAP. I rang and that psychiatrist left and discharged me, I had to go back to my GP to get re-referred). Turns out that my GP referred me to an entirely different clinic because I've moved area. So I have to go FROM THE BEGINNING again. They want me to go for an initial assessment 2 DAYS before my due date. So much for fucking "we'll get you in quickly" Jesus. When I rang up on 3rd October I expected, from what I'd been told, that I would get an appointment sometime BEFORE 10cm dilated?

    So now I have to go for a 1 hour 45 minute long mental health assessment 2 days before my due date. Exactly what I need. I hate the NHS. It's full of fucking liars I don't know why I ever trust a word they say. I explained the situation over the phone last night and I got a call back today from a woman who agreed it was cutting it close and said she would try and get me an urgent appointment but I'm not holding my breath. This also renders the 4 page angry/assertive letter I sent the clinic completely pointless. I'm going to have to change it for the new clinic but I can hardly put a lot of the angry message into it as it's not them that fucked me about. So I can hardly say "you've messed me around too much and now I'm doing things my way" sigh. And I don't feel assertive enough to write/change the letter and it still be effective. But I'll have to try my best and send it again I suppose.

    On another note, OH text me asking if I want to go out to a pub gig tomorrow with his parents and work friend. The answer is, as usual, no I don't want to. It's weird because just now I remembered that there was a time that going out to pub gigs WAS actually my idea of a good time, I did WANT to do this. Right now, if I go, it's because I've absolutely forced myself to because I feel guilty that I keep OH in all the time doing nothing because of how I'm feeling. It's strange to think that something that is such a burden now is something that I really used to enjoy. :(
  9. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Since becoming pregnant/depressed I've gotten so boring. And I'm sick of feeling boring. Feel bad for my OH who has to put up with me in bed 24/7. When we go out I'm wishing we were home. I can't remember the last time I actually watched a film. I just don't care, I can't keep focused. I don't want to. I don't even want to try and change my pathetic existance until the baby is here and I can take meds again or hopefully get back to feeling normal again. But yeah I feel guilty that we don't go out anymore or do anything.

    But right now I'm feeling pretty shitty. As OH is downstairs and has been for hours just playing guitar/watching tv. I'm up here feeling like shit right now and he doesn't know. Doesn't care. Took a lot for me to admit I'm depressed and whenever I bring it up he acts like maybe I'm talking about the pregnancy when he knows I'm not Grrr. Pretending it isn't happening isn't making it go away is it...

    Thing is, I've been stable on meds since I got with him. (Mostly). He's never experienced a prelonged episode of anything before. He's been good with the shorter episodes but I've just realised, we are having a baby and he hasn't even had to cope with one of my long depressive episodes. What if he cant cope with them? What if they break us up like they have every other relationship I've been depressed in. Grrr I'm a bit of an idiot for not thinking about this. It's just so easy when you've been on meds for a long time, to remember what it was like before you went on them. I went so long without one of these episodes, I manage to convince myself I was imagining them or something, or that they won't happen again. But they will because this is my life. This is what its like. I hate it. I need to be back on meds.

    Can he cope with me, or is he going to just pretend like it isn't happening unless I'm literally breaking down in front of him??
  10. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    11 days to go, give or take. Though that is of course according to my 12 week scan, by my ovulation date I've 15 days to go until my "due date". I haven't really been counting but its nice to feel like there's so little time left to go. It still doesn't feel real though, like I still don't feel like I'm actually going to have a baby in 11 +/- days.

    Starting to feel a little nervous about my plan to home birth, even though I know its for the best. The closer I get the more difficult I find it to tune out societys deafening message that childbirth will go wrong and I will need doctors there to save my baby by cutting her out of me, dragging her out with forceps or sucking her out with a vacuum. Trying to keep my calm head on though. My body was made to do this, every single one of my female ancestors has managed to birth a baby, there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to either.

    On another note, it seems like LG's brother's fiancée is under the impression that we are going to let her know when the baby arrives. After a year and a half of emotional abuse, being made to feel unwanted and unwelcome in the family, being subtly put down and insulted in front of the whole family etc, she expects to be welcome in my baby's life? Unlikely. (0%)

    I'm sick, to be perfectly honest, of people actively trying to force us to let abusive people into our daughter's life. She isn't even born yet and people are already determined to keep her in this little ongoing cycle of abuse. How about fuck you. No one is forcing me through guilt or blackmail tactics to force me to put my daughter in harm's way. (OH's brother is extremely angry and known to be violent. My mother is a whole other story too). I will protect my baby from evil people, end of story. I will NOT put her in harm's way to protect someone else's dysfunctional idea of what a "family" should be. I'm just sick to death of people trying to force us to continue enduring abuse because of the reason "family". Sorry not sorry. My baby is my family now, she comes first. Everyone else can do one.
  11. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    A bit pissed off. All I wanted was to ring up the psychiatrist who took me off my medication in June, get an appointment, be put back on meds after the baby comes, job done. But nooo. Because I've moved areas and they DISCHARGED me without asking I have to go to a frigging 1 hour 45 minute assessment 2 days before my due date, explain everything from the frigging start again and convince them they need to put me on meds.

    To add insult to injury they sent me out the letter today with an extremely patronising booklet with "INTRODUCTION TO ME" written across the front in big letters with a space for your name and the date. They are actually aware they're dealing with fully grown adults here and not primary school children? Frig off man!!
  12. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Feeling a lot better the past few days. Been able to get up and go out and do stuff. Mostly washing and hanging up cloth nappies but hey, its about time they got done.

    I don't feel so overwhelmingly hopeless/useless/guilty anymore either. Went out to OHs nanas yesterday and were going to his parents for tea tonight. And I don't even completely dread it!

    Hoping the increase in mood/energy means that the baby is coming soon! But even if she doesn't and I go overdue, the idea of that is no where near as bad as it was before. I feel at peace with the possibility of going over my due date. I hope I don't cause I can't wait to cuddle my little baby, but its okay if I do.