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pregnant and suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Girl25, Jun 19, 2013.

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  1. Girl25

    Girl25 Member


    I dont know what to do anymore, my suicidal feelings are getting stronger and stronger.

    On top of that I am pregnant. I can't believe this is my life, wrong choices made brought me here.

    I feel depressed and hurt and don't want to live anymore. Life is ugly and dark for me and I have a feeling it's never going to get better. I feel disgusted with myself and feel like a loser. I hate what I have become and I feel that dying is the only way I can solve my problems.

    The only thing that is keeping from killing myself is my fear for punishment by god and this baby growing inside of me. I still have time for an abortion but I don't want to do that either. I rather go together with the child. does that make sense ?

    I am so shocked that my life, once being a happy normal child with a bright future turned out like this. I don't enjoy anything anymore, even eating is a big struggle. Only time I can escape my problems is when I go to bed and first thing in the morning this feelings all return. I simply wish I could sleep forever.

    I have absolutely no1 in this struggle, I cant tell my family ! and my partner is still struggling with the pregnancy, let alone tell him about this.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, as hard as it may be,You MUST seek help. Is there a doctor you can talk to in complete confidence. It would be wonderful if there was. You are not alone in your thoughts, many of us have been there, but seeing as you are now carrying another life too, I believe you need to seek help now. You don't have to tell your boyfriend if you don't want to but a professional would be able to help. Best of luck to you, and in the meantime you have us for support.
  3. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Please take a step back and do the positive thing. Be strong, eat well, try not to stress as best you can, see a doctor to get on maturity vitamins, and consider that you now have more reason to live than ever. Your partner will come around and if they do not then it is their loss and should not be yours. I am a parent and I can tell you that the single most important thing in the entire world to me is not fast sports cars or cool guitars (though I like those too)... NOTHING is more important than our children. You will discover this when you hold your child in your arms. He or she is a part of you, and I believe personally that this is what is meant by "life after death." We live on through our children. Live on through yours. Talk to your parents and know that if they come across as mad, it is just their frustration and that has nothing to do with whether or not they love you. A parent always loves their child, even those who have trouble showing it.

    How many times I look back to dark times... times when I didn't have enough money or when I was arguing with one I loved and thinking it was the ending of the world to me... and yet here I am today and I can look back and thank the Lord that I didn't do something I could not reverse. Never make any decision that is final because every decision always must have a reverse mechanism so you can turn things back around in case you change your mind later. With most things (relationships, where you live, careers, etc.), we can always do a turn around and change our minds and reverse decisions. Death has no turn around. Don't make a decision that has no turn around.
  4. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    Hi hun. I'm sorry that things are getting too much. Pregnancy is a difficult enough time without feeling how we do. The main thing I wanted to say to you is that it's ok to feel this way. It sounds as if you've had a really busy and stressful time.

    Do you find thinking about the baby helps? I know when I was pregnant not hating the baby was hard. And noone would understand. You're told to feel excited, that this is a blessing, that it's a new beginning. And sometimes it can be. But it's a lot of pressure if you don't feel this way.

    Sorry, I'm rambling. My point was that it's ok to feel this way and there are others here that will tell you the same. You're not alone x
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hi. I am so very sorry that things are this painful for you. Do you have any kind of support system? I really hope so. Are you on medication of any kind for the depression? If not, I hope you can go to a doctor and get on something that can help you. Many people, including myself are on medication for depression or anxiety or other issues. Often more than one thing. I also think getting on some good prenatal vitamins etc may help. Please keep posting here. Because this is a good community with many people who are supportive and caring.
  6. Girl25

    Girl25 Member

    Thank you guys for all your replies, It makes me feel a little bit better by "confessing" my feelings to someone. I kept this all to myself and I cant share this with fam, partner or friends. I still feel down l and suicidal but I will go on the vitamins. I feel like my life is over and I am still praying for a miracle that will put me out of this misery. I am not going for professional help, its not like they can change my feelings and pills for depression I am also not sure about.

    At least I know I am not alone in this and I am going to try to take this day by day, for now I am just surviving
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes, you are not alone when you are here. Going on vitamins is a very good start. Prenatal vitamins. :hug:
  8. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Hey there. I am so happy you are reaching out to people and finding support. I just want to encourage you to be strong, for yourself and for the little one inside you. If you are more than 3 weeks along, his or her tiny heart is already beating. Protect that little heart, and protect your own heart. Please be strong. I typed a really long response to your post, and the computer ate it (ugh) but I really care and I'm writing again.

    did you know there are organizations set up to help pregnant women? They are crisis pregnancy centers, and they give counseling, ultrasounds, support groups, baby items, referrals for help, and sometimes even job training and parenting classes to help women get on their feet- all for free! They are run by people who value the life of both mother and baby. You can find one in your area by calling 1 800 395 HELP tell them you are pregnant and need help. A site where you can look up to see if there is a center near you is http://www.optionline.org/ The site mentions abortion, but you do not have to be considering an abortion for them to help you. they exist to give women alternative to abortion and support them through their pregnancies and, usually, the first year or two of their babys' life. If a woman wants to put her baby up for adoption, they can help with that too. They won't force you to do anything- its all your choice, but they are there for you if you need help.

    Will you do me a favor? It's after midnight here, and I'm gong to bed soon, but will you post something tomorrow? I am worried about you and I want to know you are ok. I will be checking back. OK?
  9. Girl25

    Girl25 Member

    thank you guys so much especially Talia862.! I am still struggling very much, I am too depressed to eat or sleep properly. I am living on diazepam to blur my mind and escape my feelings. I am holding on and trying to be strong for the baby but its so hard. I will call around monday immediately thank you so much for you post, it really helps to talk about it.
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Please talk to your doctor about the diazepam right away. Diazepam is reported known to cause fetal birth defects. I would not recommend taking these types of medications during pregnancy, but I am not a doctor........... so TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR about this.
  11. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Real glad you are still with us Girl25! I'm not having a great day but I just wanted to make sure I said that. keep fighting
  12. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are feeling better opening to others.

    As an abortion survivor, I ask you to love your baby, he/she is alive!

    Will join you in your prayers, God bless you!!!
  13. Girl25

    Girl25 Member

    just went to the doctor and got even more diazepam, my doc doesn't know I am pregnant. I told him for first time I was suicidal, he gave me pills for my depression and the diazepam to cope for now with. I understand diazepam is not healthy for the baby, but then again a death mother isn't either. Right now I am too 'stoned' to even think too much about killing myself. I am taking more than the doctor ordered me to take.

    I hate what I have become but I see no other way. No one knows I am pregnant and since I am not eating much , I dont think I will show until 6 months. I am in no state to become a mother, but then again I was perfectly fine a couple of months ago.
  14. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Sorry if my post is harsh or possibly unhelpful.

    I see it not being useful. You've not been honest to the doctor about the pregnancy - if they knew about it - I'm not sure they'd prescribe the diazepam. On top of that - taking more than the prescribed dose is going to be just as unhelpful.

    And if no-one else knows that you are pregnant, isn't that going to be counter productive? They could potentially be a formidable support network, but you're risking the health and the life of the baby you are carrying.

    Added extra: I think you'd need to reconsider your own actions. And communicate with those around you, at least your partner who is with you.
  15. Girl25

    Girl25 Member

    I appreciate your reply, I am not too far gone in the pregnancy. Although I am being destructive I did do some research and actually called a nurse. according to the nurse using diazepam in early pregnancy would not cause harm + I wasnt supposed to use it more than a week. I am only using it for days now and only took too much today. My partner obviously knows about the pregnancy but not the other stuff. I just called him and said I was popping diazepam and he will come over later to take them away. I cant share my suicidal thoughts with him yet, since he is already upset about the pregnancy
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2013
  16. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Girl25. I've never been in your shoes and can only imagine the many things you must be thinking and feeling.

    First of all, if you could possibly do it, please tell your doctor you're pregnant. That way the doc can give you sound medical advice about your options...S/he cannot give you full advice or information if s/he doesn't know all the facts.

    I'm wondering how you were doing before you were pregnant. You said you were fine a couple of months ago...So, although I've never been pregnant, I understand that the hormonal changes of pregnancy can cause many emotional changes, too. Maybe it's "being pregnant" that is affecting how strong your emotions are. It might be worth considering before you and doc have you on a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills.

    You've mentioned that you haven't told family or your partner yet. Any guesses on how your partner would feel about the pregnancy and any decisions you might make about it?

    Holding onto a secret is hard when we feel well...Feeling alone with a secret and not feeling well must be quite difficult.

    My choice, if I were in your shoes, would be to tell the doctor first, and let him/her help me decide if and how to tell others, and what options I might have.

    I hope you feel better and stay strong. Keep talking to us and all the best to you. :hug:
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