Pregnant and suicidal.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Nov 16, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    There is a very high chance that I am pregnant. Morning sickness, hormonal, boobs growing, etc, but can't test until next week. Being pregnant is something I have been wanting for a while, it is the only thing that makes me properly happy, it is the only thing I see worth living for. I also know that I won't take my own life if I have a baby to care for. However I cannot test until next week so I do not know for sure...

    I am happy most of the time through the day now, much better than I used to be, thanks to the thought of my own little baby growing inside of me. However, thanks to what I think is borderline personality disorder, I have changed into a complete different person over the past few nights. More suicidal than I've ever been, crying as hard as possible, just wanting to die, end the pain, be at peace. The desperate need I have during the day to protect my child disappears, well it doesn't disappear, it just changes... My idea of saving myself is to die, my idea of what is best for a child becomes to not force it into this horrible world full of pain and suffering, to stop it from ever inheriting the same depression and possibly BPD that I have.

    I am so lost between two different versions of myself. The one that wants to live and to hold my beautiful child in my arms, and the one that wants to die and take my baby with me.

    :( K x
     
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I think that its the bit in bold that you should go with. I'll be keeping everything crossed that you are pregnant and I don't want you to worry about anything.
    Yes, there may be problems because of your mental health problems. You'll stand a good chance of having post natal depression for example but forewarned is forearmed and there is a lot you can do to prevent or minimise any depression following the birth.
    I don't want you to worry about passing on the illness either. It's true that it can be genetic but there's a lot about nurturing when it comes to raising children. I have BPD and also have 3 children (all grown up now) None of them have mental health issues. Any difficulties when they were children came from my illness but since I've always been open about it, they learnt to live with it and know how to 'handle me'.
    I can honestly say that my children have saved my life. Your baby will save yours.
    Don't be worrying about things that haven't happened yet either. There's no point. Concentrate on the good stuff instead.
    Here's hoping it's good news next week - it will be so exciting if it is. I love babies. xxxx
     
  3. down-and-maybeout

    down-and-maybeout Well-Known Member

    I just know that, if you do turn out to be pregnant, your child will be lucky and have a great mum x
     
  4. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    "I don't want you to worry about passing on the illness either. It's true that it can be genetic but there's a lot about nurturing when it comes to raising children."

    I think my mother might have BPD too, which may explain how I have it. And the fact she left me alone with my nanna a lot when I was a kid, so didn't really bond with her that well. I don't plan on leaving my baby with anyone for any long period of time because I plan to be a stay-at-home mum until the child starts school.

    'I can honestly say that my children have saved my life. Your baby will save yours.'

    This is the way I've felt. I felt like it would save me life. But I posted on a mothering forum and all I got in response was "You're a selfish, stupid girl" and how it was absolutely god awful of me to bring a child into the world for my own benefit and for any reason other than to love it unconditionally. Needless to say, not the best thing to hear when you're suicidal.

    'Here's hoping it's good news next week - it will be so exciting if it is. I love babies. xxxx'

    I'm so excited too, can't wait to take the test!! Trying to stop myself taking it earlier because I know I'll just be disappointed haha.

    Thanks for your reply :). I'm sure you'll see happy happy happy posts in my forum diary next Tuesday if the results come back how I want them to :).

    'I just know that, if you do turn out to be pregnant, your child will be lucky and have a great mum x '

    Thanks dude :)
     
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni



    What sort of stupid thing is that to say? Honestly, I'd have laughed at them. Are they seriously saying that they haven't made a conscious decision to have a baby for their own happiness?
    Of course you'll love your baby unconditionally. I have doubts that the person who gave you that answer will though. It sounds to me as though they're a bit too judgemental to love unconditionally.
    Take no notice of people like that, they haven't got a clue what they're talking about. xxx
     
  6. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    It was pretty stupid of them to say stuff like that really, but I was well and truly ganged up on, and told that having a baby in my current state was the worst thing I could possibly do for a child. :/
     
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I bet they all felt really smug and self righteous too when they did it. Sadly some people can only feel worthwhile if they put other people down. It was an internet forum, they don't know you. Added to which, they probably have no understanding whatsoever of mental health issues. There's a lot of ignorance out there when it comes to mental health as you well know.
    Ignore them, you know that you're going to love your baby and if your baby is loved, it will all be fine. xxx
     
  8. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    My baby will be very loved :). Perhaps too much. I'll never put it down! :D
     
  9. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i hope you get the news you are waiting for. if it does caome back positive please please see your doc immediately. you need to review meds right away. make sure none are bad for the baby. you need to book prenatal appointment. dont know if you are going to be a single mom or is dad in the pic? if he is great!!! if not start looking into and getting things ready now. see what resources ae available in your area. yes you wil love that baby dearly but you still need some time for just you. trust me have 4 of my own and the oldest is 19 and its still a commitment, they dont grow up when they hit 18 like we'd like them too :dry: lol babies have a way of coming when we arwe least ready lol!!! good luck
     
  10. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Yes, dad's in the picture :) He's amazing. Going to work to look after his family so I can stay home and give baby all the love and attention it needs.

    I have a doctors appointment already booked, for a review of the meds, routine, but I'm going to take the pregnancy test the morning before the appointment. So if I get a positive, I can tell the doctor and have him act from there. If it's a negative, I'll still mention I could be pregnant and see what he advises.

    Thanks for your reply :).
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.