Well..... I listen to alot of music and a long time ago the words in my head changed, mostly before I really knew what was being said. Example: "A denial! A denial!" The last words in Nirvana's song Smells Like Teen Spirit, became: I can die now. I can die now. in my mind. So many years ago I thought that was really bein said in the lyrics. Nowadays, it's one of my favorite songs by Evanescence... Going Under (linked below). "I dive again" sung beautifully, becomes: I die again in my mind. I really do have suicide on the brain..... I'm quite suprised at everything that I don't post, forget what I do post..... I'm a serious case, who is roaming free whilst belonging in a hospital, for safety purposes. But the nuthouse is horrible and I refuse to go.... keep thinkin things will change.... someday, I'll do a total rehabilitation.... things will get better. I keep this up because I've got to.... the other choice is to give in to these thoughts/feelings. There are so many ways at my disposal & so many methods I can think of. Some are easy.... piece of cake. Some require much more effort/determination.... but I'm willing to try. Day by day, time goes by, and these thoughts always come back/never leave me in any sort of peace of mind. It seems the only option sometimes.... the only way outside of a padded cell.... forgive me I need help, but is there any help? I've been released from "hospital(s)" and pronounced "safe" as far as harming myself or taking my own life.... but am I? Am I really? I feel I'm walkin the tightrope with no net below, I feel there is no help/nothing works or ever will work.... and if you haven't noticed by now, certain "meds" seem to be my lifeline. Well, do you think I have them now? Days ago I was cut off.... so here I am postin too much instead of taking action. But what action will I take? What is the proper course of action anyway? What is life? What is my life? So close... no matter how far Could'nt be much more from the heart Forever trust in who we are And nothing else matters But who am I, really? Do I matter? What's wrong with me?