Pressure From Mom

[Odd_Panda24]

My mom is a single parent and I've only been back with her for the past 6 yrs. I'm 20 now and due to rumors about me at my previous college I had to take a semester off and have really cut communication with everyone because of my worsening anxiety and trust. The past month has honestly been hell for me and I've relapsed with self harm multiple times. I just want to get everything off my chest since I can't open up to my family or friends.
I've found out my great aunts don't like me because I'm not fully black and don't even "act" black, my mom and siblings don't know about this, but they do know that I do have problems with anxiety and being categorized as anything. I cried for a couple of days after hearing that, and relapsed. I even got scolded for not overcoming my anxiety from my mom, who is very outgoing and friends with everyone. She also got mad at me for not knowing how to drive, fill out official papers, eating 3 meals a day, cook or clean and for not having a boyfriend or even looking for one.
Having someone that close to me pick at my flaws really has made me feel even more naked and exposed to everything and everyone. It's bad enough to deal with these demons on my own,, but she's made me feel more lost than usual and I have only here to turn to for advice. Suicide is never an option for me since I have my baby niece and sister who look up to me, but i do want the pain and emptiness to disappear. I want to actually smile again and mean it.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

I'm sorry to hear your family is treating you that way.

Not everyone understands anxiety or mental illness or struggles, not until they are in it themselves. Maybe your mother was trying (in a very misunderstood way) to help you?
A lot of people sadly, and wrongly think that anxiety, depression etc. is just a case of 'getting it together and snapping out of it'. It isn't; these things take time, and for some people (like myself) the anxiety might never fully go away, but it can be managed with therapy and training those skills.

A fact though, is that no one learns anything from being shouted at. Your mother handled the situation very wrongly. And I'm sorry.

You are you, and you are okay. No one should judge you for that. The colour of your skin or the way you behave shouldn't determine who you are. People who judge you for those things are not worth your time.
Personally I actually prefer avoiding my family because I know they all 'worry' way too much about my mystery father, and the fact that my skin is a tone darker than the rest of the family.

I hope you can find some people who appreciate you for who you are. You deserve to be treated well, and treat yourself the same way!

 

[Unknown.7]

My mom is a single parent and I've only been back with her for the past 6 yrs. I'm 20 now and due to rumors about me at my previous college I had to take a semester off and have really cut communication with everyone because of my worsening anxiety and trust. The past month has honestly been hell for me and I've relapsed with self harm multiple times. I just want to get everything off my chest since I can't open up to my family or friends.
I've found out my great aunts don't like me because I'm not fully black and don't even "act" black, my mom and siblings don't know about this, but they do know that I do have problems with anxiety and being categorized as anything. I cried for a couple of days after hearing that, and relapsed. I even got scolded for not overcoming my anxiety from my mom, who is very outgoing and friends with everyone. She also got mad at me for not knowing how to drive, fill out official papers, eating 3 meals a day, cook or clean and for not having a boyfriend or even looking for one.
Having someone that close to me pick at my flaws really has made me feel even more naked and exposed to everything and everyone. It's bad enough to deal with these demons on my own,, but she's made me feel more lost than usual and I have only here to turn to for advice. Suicide is never an option for me since I have my baby niece and sister who look up to me, but i do want the pain and emptiness to disappear. I want to actually smile again and mean it.

I know how you feel. It's always hard to have the people close to you(and even just people in general) make you feel so terrible. I wish there was some way I could help but unfortunately I really can't help anyone. I think that's one of the worst things is that I can't help anyone on here. I hate seeing people suffer. I'd rather take all the pain and put it on myself that to have other people experience it. I'm just so sorry.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

It does suck feeling like being a black sheep of the family no pun indeed.....

People are so judgemental with expectations of what members of a certain culture is supposed to act. Age means nothing its all about widsom and life is all about learning from ones mistakes. You are definitely allowed to make them and learn/grow from it. Sorry it isnt coming from your family but what about joining a cultural club that's focused on each persons uniqueness and postivity that would accept you for whoever you want to be instead of being around those who is jealous/so focused on tearing down an invidual that did nothing wrong?

Positive relationships is very important and I'm sick to my stomach how much all kinds of culture have their own hypocrisy. Your not alone just letting you know, not need to be pressured into dating and once you know you're ready then you would be a great partner for the lucky guy that comes along at the right time.ive seen too many bad relationships and tearing apart and setting back a lot of people because they didn't allow themselves to grow and be more independent and hapoy with who they are.

Have a heart to heart talk with your mom and say thanks for teaching me this and that but I still need to learn how to make my own mistakes and fly free in this world towards total independence. Your a beautiful soul inside/out and don't let other person judge you on that. Hugs

 

[MisterBGone]

We unfortunately live in a very "looks conscious" society, and it can occasionally mean the further you go back in time, with respect to generations, the stronger this force or feeling can be. So maybe just chalk up your great aunts biases to that, and understand that it is on them--as opposed to anything incorrect with you. The best thing that you can do is try to live your life by a different example and express your beliefs about who and what you are in this way.

As for your mom, she may just be (partially) making up for lost time. Mothers very often specialize in hypercritical direction. Like was previously mentioned, if you point these out to her, and explain how they are doing more harm than good, perhaps a change in behavior can slowly be necessitated. But don't expect it to happen overnight. It is far from a concerted or one step mechanism. I'd in fact be prepared for some backlash, as she may feel an immediate sense of defensiveness kick in. But regardless, you are not who or what she shapes or makes you out to be. So try to take it with a grain of salt. Not so easy, ask me how I know?! the family dynamic is always tough. Why do you think so many specialists always want to get you to talk about your mothers?

In the end, I tend to think of it as a fire hose blasting me in the face...whereas I let much of the water wash away; of course, a few well placed drips (or zingers) always seem to remain.

 

[Odd_Panda24]

I'm sorry to hear your family is treating you that way.

Not everyone understands anxiety or mental illness or struggles, not until they are in it themselves. Maybe your mother was trying (in a very misunderstood way) to help you?
A lot of people sadly, and wrongly think that anxiety, depression etc. is just a case of 'getting it together and snapping out of it'. It isn't; these things take time, and for some people (like myself) the anxiety might never fully go away, but it can be managed with therapy and training those skills.

A fact though, is that no one learns anything from being shouted at. Your mother handled the situation very wrongly. And I'm sorry.

You are you, and you are okay. No one should judge you for that. The colour of your skin or the way you behave shouldn't determine who you are. People who judge you for those things are not worth your time.
Personally I actually prefer avoiding my family because I know they all 'worry' way too much about my mystery father, and the fact that my skin is a tone darker than the rest of the family.

I hope you can find some people who appreciate you for who you are. You deserve to be treated well, and treat yourself the same way!

Surprisingly it feels comforting to hear anyone say "I'm ok". Usually it's just people mentioning outer beauty, which is a problem of its own, and it never made me feel any better. I think those are the words I also need to use myself, inner demons have a way of blocking out those words, so I never thought of them.

 

[Odd_Panda24]

I know how you feel. It's always hard to have the people close to you(and even just people in general) make you feel so terrible. I wish there was some way I could help but unfortunately I really can't help anyone. I think that's one of the worst things is that I can't help anyone on here. I hate seeing people suffer. I'd rather take all the pain and put it on myself that to have other people experience it. I'm just so sorry.

I experience pain often, but knowing others actually understand my feelings and/or have experienced them, makes me feel less like an outsider. I've felt like one for so long, that it means a lot that I don't have to keep it bottled up since I'm not alone. Words are more than enough for me.

 

[cvb2377]

Im 21 and I live in a black home with a single mother as well. My mother picks on me in a very similar fashion about being to shy because of my anxiety, not driving and such, I guess with single parents they get frustrated easily but that doesn't make all that bullying ok. In my experience my mother kind of makes passive aggressive comments or when she's really angry she down right insults me. I try to separate myself from her and talk to other people I calm me down . Instead of complaining about things you don't know how to do, maybe she should teach you to do things. No one responds well to anger.