Pretending Im Okay

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JustFirefly, Oct 21, 2011.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    So, Lately ive felt really suicidal. Ive talked about it a lot in chat with some of the chat mods... Repressed memories have been comming up from the past.
    From abuse,
    To Neglect,
    To Self harm,
    To Eating problems,
    To anything else you can think of.

    All that happened to me caused me to have PTSD. Thats from events. Voices in my head drive me insane. I see things once and a while, usually not to bad.. Only when anxiety is really bad... I actually have quite a fear of zombies and they freak me out when i cant sleep and i see them. Jeez.. Sounds like im rambling.
    My moods seem to go from ups to downs rather quickly. i cant seem to control how i feel lately... I have such a loss of it really.

    The past small while ive felt extremely on edge. Ive tried very hard to keep it all in and try to keep to myself. But obviously (to the poor people who saw it on chat) that i broke down today and a small part of everything came out... I dont know if i can hold how i feel anymore.

    Ive been... Fighting suicidal thoughts since about the age of 7ish. Ive attempted a few times, nothing as serious since it was mostly 13-16 when i did..

    Im 22 now. Im much wiser. Ive researched. Ive done my homework... Ive been putting it off.. But. Alas my feelings... They are getting the best of me.

    I do not feel loved **** Thats one of the biggest reasons i do not want to be here anymore. My self image is crap... Which doesnt help. But i do not feel loved by anyone. My family does NOT love me.
    My friends, a have 1... that i could maybe say "love" me.. I think she just cares about me, nothing to deep. Nothing she couldnt let go of.
    Other feelings - Worthlessness. I have been told i was worthless my whole life growing up. Nit just by my parents. By everything and everyone. People here are way to kind and seem to think im worth something. I dont know, most people here dont actually know me.
    Ive only really reached out to one person here.
    Only once. It was quite nice... It was the first time i realy opened up to someone that wasnt to just a computer screen haha....
    pathetic - I feel very pathetic. I feel like im going to screw up. Mess up...

    Undeserving. I feel like i dont deserve the love that i so seek for. Because of this it makes it hard for me to accept anything... I cant accept love... I try to so hard.. I just cant understand it... Maybe i just cant be loved? Im unsure.

    Im unsure what to do.

    I want to end it. Ive thought about it a lot lately. if i disappear i would not be missed by anyone but a single friend here. They could make it on, they ahve an amazing support group.. A loving family.. Everything.
    Its selfish, i know, but thats the type of person i am i guess... Selfish i suppose.. How weak am i? Bleh. Everyday i wake up feeling so empty and alone. I feel like im not loved, like ill never be loved, and that no one will ever realize it.

    I just dont know what to do.. Its so easy to give up. if i do, everything would be better, REALLY... Im not really trying to hold on... I just want to be happy. But... Ive gotten everything prepared to be honest... And i wont have that much longer left...

    I know im not alone in this. I know other people feel this way.. But idk. Maybe im just stupid. And maybe i just dont understand anything... Most people try because they ahve friends or family.. Or some reason...

    I dont have a reason to get better... Idk.
    Maybe im just being stupid.. But either way i dont think anyone realizes just how far gone i really feel... or how alone i am here... Sigh idk.
  2. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Is there anyway you could move away from your family and/or talk to someone to get help? If you feel really bad, you could find a mental hospital.

    You're in my thoughts.

    You are not worthless, stupid, pathetic, or unable to be loved. It's hard, but you've got to press on. It seems like you have severe depression and PTSD. You're hallucinating things as well. I think you're aware they're not real, though, so it doesn't seem too bad.

    Someone like you is deserving of some love. If you really feel like you have no family to talk to or any friends, then I think you deserve some love in your life. Can you find some? I'm certainly sure you can. I'm sure I can too, and I'm in a similar situation.

    You're not weak, you've just got some issues that can be worked out.

    You're not opposed to giving us any details of your family life, are you?
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your situation. Have you ever thought about just starting over? You know cut all ties with the past and move away? Sometimes our crappy memories just attach themselves to us. Maybe a new place will help you make the changes you need to change.
  4. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    well, my family life. I was a mistake (i know a lot of people are). I was unplanned and unloved. They didnt want me. They tried to get an abortion but it failed for some reason (luckily i wasnt affected they said). My parents were to thrilled. They stayed together because of me though but because of it i suffered from a lot of being yelled at, told things like how worthless i am..

    I was never good enough at anything, no matter how hard i tried. My grades in school went from the best in the county / state to failing. I used to get awards when i was in elementary and middle school.. Then i gave up on all hope. I gave up on everything. And ever since every year has been a little bit worse.

    What also hurts is that they planned another child, my brother. Yeah. They love him so much it hurts... I can never do anything right, or when i do or when i try... I never amount to HIS winnings.
    It frustrates me. Every Christmas i avoid my family because it hurts getting "Free sample" items as presents.... And then seeing him get $100-300 toys.
    It always hurt trying to please them with the best grades.. i always told myself if i could do better They would love me. I always sought after love. They never did...

    I remember graduation from Highschool. They were all like We are going to get you a REALLY NICE GIFT.. so i was thinking Maybe im getting a car!?! Or maybe the computer i always wanted!?! Or maybe i can get SOMETHING nice :)

    They gave me a suitcase and told me to Get the hell out.


    Them kicking me out lead to be the worst thing ever that happened in my life. I wound up living witn a very abusive girl for 2-3 years.
    Yeah... Thats a whole nother apple to crack

    I have tried cutting ties, But its much harder said then done. Its very complicated... But im trying
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    justnei, think it is time to reach out for some good psychological professional help for yourself.. they will not judge, jump to conclusions but try seriously just to help you.

    you talk about lack of self worth, real despair and wanting to end it all.. all the more reason to get some real help soon.. Justnei everyone has worth ande value to others.. those in this state have often been beaten down and programmed and brainwashed into believing these things by people who should ahve done the oppostie.. support, love and build up instead.

    time to take care of yourself now.. jim
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    sorry if this is how you feel.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :lol!: My dad got me luggage for my high school graduation present to!!!

    :confused: Sorry, but you need to explain how cutting the family off is complicated. I mean they already threw you out. In my book that is a free pass to pretend they all died slow painful deaths. Heck I disowned my family, for a short while. I should really do it again, I was happier then. Anyway, it is just as simple as not talking to them.

    I still think you should move far away from where you currently are. I think that will help you a lot.
  8. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    I'm truly sorry to hear all of that. Some people are born into some shitty situations. It really is a matter of luck.

    I don't believe in this. Everyone has some skill. You just need to search for something you're good at and work at it.

    And as you said, you used to get good grades in school, meaning you worked hard then. You can work hard again.

    Well then, they're genuinely awful parents. I think if you wish to be happy, then you need to cut them out of your life and pretend that they don't exist. I know every single time they were unfair or horrible to you will be remembered, but you need to disregard the way they treated you. It needs to be put in the past.

    Awful fucking parents. They clearly didn't love you. It hurts knowing that, but it's okay to know that THEY disappointed YOU. They let you down. They weren't the parent you deserved. A decent pair of loving, moral parents is a right all people deserve. It's expected that we'll all be raised by two people who genuinely care. They are disappoints to the human race, deary.

    Well sorry you were living with a shitty person. Are you living with your parents again?
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