So, Lately ive felt really suicidal. Ive talked about it a lot in chat with some of the chat mods... Repressed memories have been comming up from the past. From abuse, To Neglect, To Self harm, To Eating problems, To anything else you can think of. All that happened to me caused me to have PTSD. Thats from events. Voices in my head drive me insane. I see things once and a while, usually not to bad.. Only when anxiety is really bad... I actually have quite a fear of zombies and they freak me out when i cant sleep and i see them. Jeez.. Sounds like im rambling. My moods seem to go from ups to downs rather quickly. i cant seem to control how i feel lately... I have such a loss of it really. The past small while ive felt extremely on edge. Ive tried very hard to keep it all in and try to keep to myself. But obviously (to the poor people who saw it on chat) that i broke down today and a small part of everything came out... I dont know if i can hold how i feel anymore. Ive been... Fighting suicidal thoughts since about the age of 7ish. Ive attempted a few times, nothing as serious since it was mostly 13-16 when i did.. Im 22 now. Im much wiser. Ive researched. Ive done my homework... Ive been putting it off.. But. Alas my feelings... They are getting the best of me. I do not feel loved **** Thats one of the biggest reasons i do not want to be here anymore. My self image is crap... Which doesnt help. But i do not feel loved by anyone. My family does NOT love me. My friends, a have 1... that i could maybe say "love" me.. I think she just cares about me, nothing to deep. Nothing she couldnt let go of. Other feelings - Worthlessness. I have been told i was worthless my whole life growing up. Nit just by my parents. By everything and everyone. People here are way to kind and seem to think im worth something. I dont know, most people here dont actually know me. Ive only really reached out to one person here. Only once. It was quite nice... It was the first time i realy opened up to someone that wasnt to just a computer screen haha.... pathetic - I feel very pathetic. I feel like im going to screw up. Mess up... Undeserving. I feel like i dont deserve the love that i so seek for. Because of this it makes it hard for me to accept anything... I cant accept love... I try to so hard.. I just cant understand it... Maybe i just cant be loved? Im unsure. Im unsure what to do. I want to end it. Ive thought about it a lot lately. if i disappear i would not be missed by anyone but a single friend here. They could make it on, they ahve an amazing support group.. A loving family.. Everything. Its selfish, i know, but thats the type of person i am i guess... Selfish i suppose.. How weak am i? Bleh. Everyday i wake up feeling so empty and alone. I feel like im not loved, like ill never be loved, and that no one will ever realize it. I just dont know what to do.. Its so easy to give up. if i do, everything would be better, REALLY... Im not really trying to hold on... I just want to be happy. But... Ive gotten everything prepared to be honest... And i wont have that much longer left... I know im not alone in this. I know other people feel this way.. But idk. Maybe im just stupid. And maybe i just dont understand anything... Most people try because they ahve friends or family.. Or some reason... I dont have a reason to get better... Idk. Maybe im just being stupid.. But either way i dont think anyone realizes just how far gone i really feel... or how alone i am here... Sigh idk.