Pretending only lasts so long..

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by voices_inmy_head, Mar 24, 2016.

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  1. voices_inmy_head

    voices_inmy_head Well-Known Member

    I know I'm going to ramble in this post. I've been rambling to myself for the last 30 minutes.

    I thought I was getting better. I stopped having daily suicidal thoughts, I got over my excessive alcohol drinkimg and just drank socially.

    But who was I kidding. I pushed the thoughts down, got better at pretending that things weren't wrong. Put a smile on my face as a daily mask. But really if I break things down it's just as bad, if not worse than ever.

    I haven't been in this forum in years. Normally if it's been a couple of months since I logged in somewhere I either can't remember my username, or password or both. But I remembered this forum, username I haven't used in years and password instantly.

    In the past when I felt sad or really emotional I had someone to talk to. Now I feel like I have no one. Even my private blog I didn't want to post this on.

    I can't even tell you half the things I'm upset about. They are either too confusing or too much to talk about.

    The long and short of it, I used to have a big drinking problem. Trying to self medicate. But I realised it was working more as a depressant then a medication so I cut right back and only tried to drink for special occasions. Now my life is even more difficult then it was back then. I struggle with health issues, have no career plan hardly any family and not a single real friend I can talk to. I desperately wanted to talk to someone tonight but the few people I wanted to talk too I didn't want to put this much pressure on as I worry about them.

    This year I have started drinking more and the last few weeks I have been wondering where I can buy weed from. Part of me was feeling 'Fuck it I like drinking why not' but part of me tonight clicked that I have been desperately trying to find some way to self medicate to stop the feelings appearing.

    I'm not going to go into the 100 reasons I feel like this. I spent the evening with some funny people from work celebrating someone getting a new job. Somehow the focus turned into me and why I can't get a relationship with them telling me how wonderful I am and how I just need to be more confident, and me just making a joke of it. I left feeling happy and a little annoyed and then something triggered the overwhelming sadness that I've been pushing down for months and I just can't stop. I want more then anything to talk to someone but the few people I want to talk to either aren't taking to me or I don't want to wake /worry them. By the morning, or Saturday at the latest, I will have pushed it down again, as I am too stubborn refuse to be like my family and give up, no matter how hard the days are.

    I've read through this and realise I've repeated myself but I need to get the emotions out, therefore I will leave it as is and you'll just have to forgive me for rambling.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry you're having a bad time.

    you've made some really good progress though, you realizing that the self-medication and drinking only made you worse. Use that knowledge to your advantage. I know it's easier said than done. But you have a big advantage on your hands now.
    Now you just need to distract yourself from the urges... what helped you last time? What about exercise, going for a walk, sports, being creative?

    I believe in you. You don't have to give up!
    sahel likes this.
  3. Nikie

    Nikie Well-Known Member

    Hugs voices.. For what ever it is worth your story made me think a little .

    Do you know the chain analyses?? Maybe you can try that to know what triggered you to feel so sad. I had a trigger like that 2 days ago. And now that I read this I figured I might as well do the same..

    I really hope you can win this feelings. To be honest weed is way not nice .. I did it for 6 months and you just can not get the best out of it. Its not worth it my friend ,

    (((Bug hug)))
  4. Nikie

    Nikie Well-Known Member

    Oeee! See you post this a while ago.. I do hope you feel better now!!
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