I know I'm going to ramble in this post. I've been rambling to myself for the last 30 minutes. I thought I was getting better. I stopped having daily suicidal thoughts, I got over my excessive alcohol drinkimg and just drank socially. But who was I kidding. I pushed the thoughts down, got better at pretending that things weren't wrong. Put a smile on my face as a daily mask. But really if I break things down it's just as bad, if not worse than ever. I haven't been in this forum in years. Normally if it's been a couple of months since I logged in somewhere I either can't remember my username, or password or both. But I remembered this forum, username I haven't used in years and password instantly. In the past when I felt sad or really emotional I had someone to talk to. Now I feel like I have no one. Even my private blog I didn't want to post this on. I can't even tell you half the things I'm upset about. They are either too confusing or too much to talk about. The long and short of it, I used to have a big drinking problem. Trying to self medicate. But I realised it was working more as a depressant then a medication so I cut right back and only tried to drink for special occasions. Now my life is even more difficult then it was back then. I struggle with health issues, have no career plan hardly any family and not a single real friend I can talk to. I desperately wanted to talk to someone tonight but the few people I wanted to talk too I didn't want to put this much pressure on as I worry about them. This year I have started drinking more and the last few weeks I have been wondering where I can buy weed from. Part of me was feeling 'Fuck it I like drinking why not' but part of me tonight clicked that I have been desperately trying to find some way to self medicate to stop the feelings appearing. I'm not going to go into the 100 reasons I feel like this. I spent the evening with some funny people from work celebrating someone getting a new job. Somehow the focus turned into me and why I can't get a relationship with them telling me how wonderful I am and how I just need to be more confident, and me just making a joke of it. I left feeling happy and a little annoyed and then something triggered the overwhelming sadness that I've been pushing down for months and I just can't stop. I want more then anything to talk to someone but the few people I want to talk to either aren't taking to me or I don't want to wake /worry them. By the morning, or Saturday at the latest, I will have pushed it down again, as I am too stubborn refuse to be like my family and give up, no matter how hard the days are. I've read through this and realise I've repeated myself but I need to get the emotions out, therefore I will leave it as is and you'll just have to forgive me for rambling.