Pretty self-centered right now...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by omapax, Aug 1, 2012.

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  1. omapax

    omapax New Member

    Hi all,

    I'm 52. The year I turned 40, my older brother committed suicide, and I sat down and thought things over and decided that I didn't want to be sick anymore. I went on antidepressants (after trying a few, we found one that worked with minimal side effects) and started actively doing things that I thought might actually make me better. I sought therapy and I made daily changes. A lot of it was learned from my adopted mom, who is a recovering addict in Narcotics Anonymous. It seems like really stupid stuff... like smiling and greeting people as if I was happy. Expressing joy to my children when they shared something new. A lot of "fake it til you make it" stuff.

    It worked. I got better. And about 8 years ago, I started noticing a lot of hair loss. Since my sister had a lot of hair loss when she went on the anti-depressant I was on, I checked with my doctor and she agreed it was probably my medication. I told her at that time that I'd like to stop the meds and see what happened. I told her if I got sick again, I'd go back on the meds and just shave my head and get henna tattoos on my naked scalp. So we discontinued the meds and nothing happened. I stayed well. I've been off meds since then.

    During these 12 years that I've been mostly well, I've suffered huge losses, including the death of a child. I was able to go through those hard times without getting sick. The only time I've had to seek therapy at all in the last 10 years was about three years ago in the weeks following a co-worker's suicide, when issues with my brother's death became overwhelming. I found a counselor and worked on the stuff that was coming up and was able to pull myself together after about 5 sessions.

    In the last two weeks, I've become ill. I recognize the symptoms. It's not grief, it's not leftover issues from my childhood traumas. It's just illness. I'm overwhelmed with sadness and fear. I'm having anxiety attacks, sometimes as many as 10 or 12 a day. My sleep patterns are seriously disrupted. I find no joy in any of the things I know I love to do. I can't concentrate to read a book. I suffer constant invasive thoughts of suicide and violence. I don't want to talk to my children, or see my grandchildren. I'm utterly stalled.

    I haven't yet made an appointment with my doctor. I don't know if I can bring myself to do that. I'm feeling like a failure. My husband is a depressive and he's been depressed for the last six months. If I try to talk to him about this... if he's even aware of how it is with me, his response will not be helpful to me. And I'm afraid I might make him sicker if I start whining to him.

    I'm lost. So I'm here.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i do hope you call your doctor hun ok you know you can get well again just might need those meds upped a bit or some more therapy Your children grandchildren hun they need you. You call today ok you are worth the fight hun Keep us posted ok Glad you are reaching out hun here hugs
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi OMa and welcome to Sf's.. make that app;t with the doctor for yourself.. things going on you really need some help now.. glad to have you here with us now.. tc, Jim
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi honey, so glad that you have reached out at this time, you have been through so much already, and have a lot of fight still there...... :) I totally empathise with the undealt-with-from-childhood stuff - (I've got the T-shirt)..... I've discovered ways to help 'medicate' these things, hun,(but not pills, except 5htp) and would love to share them with you. They were there in the bottom of my psyche from childhood, covered over with the stuff you describe, like "fake it till you make it etc." and other coping mechanisms.

    I think we are on the same page, so I only ask that you would let me help you honey - we can PM or set up a time to chat on here - so you do not feel alone in this. Feeling supported means so much :)
  5. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Hi oma your not a failure, you seem like a strong person that just needs some help right now ,
    i hope you make the appointment
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