Hello Moomin67,
I stumbled across this article by chance, I actually came here because I had attempted suicide, but that's a different topic, or maybe somehow related to it.
But what I want to say is that I'm very sorry for what happened to you with your boyfriend.
You are rightly the victim, but without careful questioning, this could also have happened because your friend is also a victim but cannot talk about it openly.
I can only recommend that you talk to your friend about it calmly and without pressure and try to clarify it rather than just walking away.
Because if you love him once and just walk away, he may be left alone with his problem and bad consequences could happen for him or someone else.
I don't want to say stay with him, that's a decision only you can make, but even if you break up you can offer your ex boyfriend help.
I'll tell you my story, maybe your friend has something similar and he needs help.
First I would like to apologize for my bad English, it is not my native language and I live in Europe.
I'm speaking from experience here, as I also occasionally had these extreme outbursts of violence during sex and I even injured my girlfriend at the time very seriously.
I had never intended this, but it came over me and became like a frenzy, <mod edit - violence>
I had apologized and my girlfriend hadn't left me, even though I couldn't give her an explanation.
But after a few months I left her because I couldn't bear the shame and shame. I was no longer willing to have sex with her because I was afraid of what had become of me.
It had never happened before and I didn't play SM games either, I was usually the quiet type.
I wasn't able to form a relationship for several years because I was afraid it would happen again.
Only after a few years, when I started forgetting, did I start a new relationship.
Everything was ok and we had two beautiful children and I thought I was leading a normal life, but then it happened again, I <mod edit - violence>
My wife no longer recognized me and was afraid for the children. She called the police and I had to leave our house. That's why she got a divorce, after 6 long years of marriage in complete love.
Because of this additional stress, I also lost my job. When I was completely devastated because I had lost everything, I decided to end my life. Not because of what happened, but because I was afraid that one day I might harm my children. I loved my children more than anything and I wanted to kill myself for their safety.
I lived far away from my town where I grew up, I decided to end my life where it began. <mod edit - method> I drove 6 hours in my old town. I couldn't drive to this bridge because a billboard across the way fell over and blocked the road. There was a message from the church on the advertising board, I said to myself angrily that God can't stop me from doing this.
I had to walk a short distance through an industrial ruin. At the end there was a small, abandoned security guard room. Otherwise I probably wouldn't have noticed it from the street because it was on the side of the bridge. Then it happened when I saw the old security room and recognized all the graphite. I collapsed with pain and cramps and had a seizure.
There were flashes of appearances from my youth that I had repressed and couldn't remember for years. When I was about 14 years old I used to pass by here often until one day a group of older kids intercepted me, beat me up and robbed me.
My clothes were completely torn, after they were done with me they dragged me into this room where the oldest of them <mod edit> raped me, then they urinated on me together and left me seriously injured.
It wasn't until the evening that I was able to move again and returned home. I only said that I had been beaten up and robbed, I wanted to forget everything else and I forgot it.
I probably stayed on the ground for a few hours and thought about what to do now, <mod edit - method> or not. I suspected that this was where my violent outbursts came from and I decided not to kill myself (or not yet) and walked back to my car.
There I met a police car who were looking for me because I sent a video to my ex-wife asking me to show it to the children when they were older, it was my farewell letter to my children where I apologized for what I did I did it and excused the impending suicide, but I didn't see any other way out. However, my ex-wife played this immediately, when I didn't answer her attempts to call, they informed the police and only when they located my car did they know where I was.
I confirmed my name to the police and asked them to help me and take me to a mental hospital. I quickly got myself to the hospital because I no longer had any intention of killing myself, but to this day, a year later, I'm being treated and trying to process everything. I don't know if I'll succeed, I have good days and not so good days, but I now have the reason for everything.
Whether it's better now? No, currently I have the inner urge to <mod edit - violent desires>, even though I don't want to. I'm not giving up hope yet that I can be healed from this. If not, I've decided to <mod edit - method> because I don't want anyone to be injured or have to experience that.
Therefore, I can only recommend that you talk to your boyfriend or seek professional help for him, even if you want to leave him. Your friend may be a victim too.
There are people who like violence, there are enough people who live out their fetishes, but everyone knows their limits and can control them.
Your boyfriend sounds like he can't control himself, that's exactly how it was with me, then his violence comes through for a completely different reason and he needs help.
It wasn't until the evening that I was able to move again and returned home. I only said that I had been beaten up and robbed, I wanted to forget everything else and I forgot it.
