Prisoned by guilt. Abusive family.

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#1
Hi. im kinda new here guys.i just found this site.but here's my story(hope you can read)My father had this very horrendous rare brain disease. He's up to it like 2 years now. He's bedridden(vegetable state) and needs full time caregiving in all of things you can ever imagine. I need to stop working for now to help caregiving.

I live with my mom and my sister who are very very emotionally abusive!. like you wanna kill yourself living with them(im dead serious). blabbering how their life suck on me. blame me on their faults. Shouting.calling names. and all unnecesarry things toxic people do to bring you down.
I love my father. very responsible. guilt is creepling me if i leave my dad from these two who cant take care of my dad very well( my dad is heavy he needs a man to take care of him).

I just turned 23. graduated college and i want to pursue my career but my family is not supportive about it and makes me sad about my life(not sure if term is correct). Nearly 1 year unemployed now. i remember myself crying last month because they blame me again for things that is not important considering that dad needs more attention. this night we fought again. i dunno but suicidal thoughts suddenly creeped in. Im actually a strong person on these kinds of BS. But damn this hit me hard. I feel bad and cant feel any emotions. i just want to vent it out cause its so heavy not talking it somewhere or someone. Im in a prison for real.
 

AsphyxiateOnWords

Pretty rhymes break angels.
#2
You have to stop seeking their approval. It's the only way you'll ever find any sort of peace of mind. Our parents were brought up certain ways and they can't change because it's ingrained in their heads at this point. They didn't have all of the resources we now do; psychology wasn't heavily relied upon and people had to learn to deal with whatever they felt.
 

gypsylee

SF Supporter
#3
Welcome to SF, @Bryz

That situation does sound bad. I had to look after my mother for a while - on my own because she simply wouldn’t have anyone else - and at times I felt soooo alone. She was in and out of the hospital and then rehab, and sometimes driving there it felt like every cell in my body was not wanting to go! :confused:

There seems to be a “difficult mother” theme on here tonight actually.. @AsphyxiateOnWords’ explanation above is good.
 
#4
You have to stop seeking their approval. It's the only way you'll ever find any sort of peace of mind. Our parents were brought up certain ways and they can't change because it's ingrained in their heads at this point. They didn't have all of the resources we now do; psychology wasn't heavily relied upon and people had to learn to deal with whatever they felt.
What you say is true. thanks for that.i really appreciate. Im really trying myself to ignore them.i dont defend myself to them to such extent cause its useless.

i dont give much attention to their negative attacks. i even laugh it off or listen to music.(theres no way i can talk to them about it). i even indulged myself into reading books. mindfulness and being present and living joyfully. I actually believe that if i dont resist what is happening to me ill have peace of mind. But i must say that you must run away from people who shout at you and put you down. peace of mind is not enough if you hear them everyday. I gave up. i mean in my situation there's no way out.
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#5
It is so strange.. We are both 23 and we both live with these abusive family members.....life is too strange...
But you have a good soul you know. You want to look after your dad and it is a big responsibility....
They are abusive because probably they have their own issues caused by past traumas..I have such a mother too. She just call me bad things when she is angry. She insults and urged me to listen to her complaints for hours. But it is not about me. I didn't do anything. It is her own mental issue. She just does not understand how much pain she gives.
I do think your relatives do the same. They just do not understand how painfully they behave toward you.
This is not your fault. The root is their past. You should bear in mind that you are not these things they call... They are abusive and you are victim. And you have to escape from them in a way.
I don't know how you can achieve but I hope you can do it and free yourself. Just try not to be scared...
I am sorry I have no other word:(
Take care and write to us, writing is a relief in deed..
 

AsphyxiateOnWords

Pretty rhymes break angels.
#6
What you say is true. thanks for that.i really appreciate. Im really trying myself to ignore them.i dont defend myself to them to such extent cause its useless.

i dont give much attention to their negative attacks. i even laugh it off or listen to music.(theres no way i can talk to them about it). i even indulged myself into reading books. mindfulness and being present and living joyfully. I actually believe that if i dont resist what is happening to me ill have peace of mind. But i must say that you must run away from people who shout at you and put you down. peace of mind is not enough if you hear them everyday. I gave up. i mean in my situation there's no way out.
It's important not to try to resist your own thoughts and feelings because they often get worse that way. But that doesn't mean you should also stick around and take the abuse from others.
 

Alwayswrong

Well-Known Member
#7
Hi! There is a caregiver's burnout syndrome. I had it and found out there were groups of self-help for caregivers in my country. There I realized it's very common. I learned there that, to help my Mother giving her the best of me, I had to have some time to go on with my life too.
 
#8
Welcome to SF, @Bryz

That situation does sound bad. I had to look after my mother for a while - on my own because she simply wouldn’t have anyone else - and at times I felt soooo alone. She was in and out of the hospital and then rehab, and sometimes driving there it felt like every cell in my body was not wanting to go! :confused:

There seems to be a “difficult mother” theme on here tonight actually.. @AsphyxiateOnWords’ explanation above is good.
Hi gypsylee. im sorry to hear that. but im sure you really love your mother. Life will bless you for sure taking responsibility for your mom. it's just that we dont like the situation we are in right now. i want to share a qoute i saw today from marieforleo.

"Where you are is exactly where you need to be. Trust the timing of your life".
 
#9
It is so strange.. We are both 23 and we both live with these abusive family members.....life is too strange...
But you have a good soul you know. You want to look after your dad and it is a big responsibility....
They are abusive because probably they have their own issues caused by past traumas..I have such a mother too. She just call me bad things when she is angry. She insults and urged me to listen to her complaints for hours. But it is not about me. I didn't do anything. It is her own mental issue. She just does not understand how much pain she gives.
I do think your relatives do the same. They just do not understand how painfully they behave toward you.
This is not your fault. The root is their past. You should bear in mind that you are not these things they call... They are abusive and you are victim. And you have to escape from them in a way.
I don't know how you can achieve but I hope you can do it and free yourself. Just try not to be scared...
I am sorry I have no other word:(
Take care and write to us, writing is a relief in deed..
Hi cagla. thanks for that really. i can relate from a lot of what you said.You just reminded me of what is important. Its not about me who is called such things. But about them having difficulty resolving their life. I know this is hard to solve it by only understanding their attitudes . accepting that they are that way. while you keep hearing them. Running away from these abuse is still the best way to do i think. i just thought of it that Caregiving and Emotional family Abuse is such a really bad combination. Its such a relief to talk about it. thanks!!
 
#10
It's important not to try to resist your own thoughts and feelings because they often get worse that way. But that doesn't mean you should also stick around and take the abuse from others.
Yes. im doing my best to feel my feelings and in a way i want to run away from these abuses. But i cant leave my caregiving duties easily. Sometimes i find my life situation funny. a bad timing. a sad and ridiculous tragedy of life.
 
#11
Hi! There is a caregiver's burnout syndrome. I had it and found out there were groups of self-help for caregivers in my country. There I realized it's very common. I learned there that, to help my Mother giving her the best of me, I had to have some time to go on with my life too.
Yes. its quite sad that these things happen that we also have to look after our life. i sure everything happens for a reason. we just have to stay strong. Those groups are also a great help for caregivers
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#12
Hi cagla. thanks for that really. i can relate from a lot of what you said.You just reminded me of what is important. Its not about me who is called such things. But about them having difficulty resolving their life. I know this is hard to solve it by only understanding their attitudes . accepting that they are that way. while you keep hearing them. Running away from these abuse is still the best way to do i think. i just thought of it that Caregiving and Emotional family Abuse is such a really bad combination. Its such a relief to talk about it. thanks!!
yes they have their own issues....and we just pay for that...sad but true. we have to escape from this. even if this will be hurtful to them on an emotional level....by the way, i liked that rabbit :p
 

Cagla

Well-Known Member
#14
i even plan to find a job again. to help financially and just to remind them of my boundaries. an 8 hour escape would be ideal. yeah the rabbit is awesome!. why is your cat shy? are you shy type. :p
wow it is so good :) I am happy to hear this and 8 hours is long enough :) well umm yeah I am shy , have no self esteem, self conscious loser :)
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#15
You know what? I feel like you're trapped there taking care of your dad so you can't go and kill yourself just yet, right? Because you're the only person who can take care of him or else the other person(s) who could be doing that would be doing it. Right?
So. You've got to adjust your thinking about this dying thing and redirect it to ways you can deal with this emotionally abusive family you live with. How to deal with the mother and sister you're imprisoned with. What things you can do to keep them at bay, to block them out and deal with them and keep you from driving yourself crazy. Sound right?
 
#16
Hi. im kinda new here guys.i just found this site.but here's my story(hope you can read)My father had this very horrendous rare brain disease. He's up to it like 2 years now. He's bedridden(vegetable state) and needs full time caregiving in all of things you can ever imagine. I need to stop working for now to help caregiving.

I live with my mom and my sister who are very very emotionally abusive!. like you wanna kill yourself living with them(im dead serious). blabbering how their life suck on me. blame me on their faults. Shouting.calling names. and all unnecesarry things toxic people do to bring you down.
I love my father. very responsible. guilt is creepling me if i leave my dad from these two who cant take care of my dad very well( my dad is heavy he needs a man to take care of him).

I just turned 23. graduated college and i want to pursue my career but my family is not supportive about it and makes me sad about my life(not sure if term is correct). Nearly 1 year unemployed now. i remember myself crying last month because they blame me again for things that is not important considering that dad needs more attention. this night we fought again. i dunno but suicidal thoughts suddenly creeped in. Im actually a strong person on these kinds of BS. But damn this hit me hard. I feel bad and cant feel any emotions. i just want to vent it out cause its so heavy not talking it somewhere or someone. Im in a prison for real.
My heart goes out to you. This sounds like a very tough struggle and some days that is probably an understatement of huge proportions. In saying that I would like to say well done my friend; congratulations on being able to get a degree while dealing with all of this. I am highly impressed. You are a very determined person. You are also very wise to find people to talk to about your situation. Talking to others and getting support is so important. Counseling would be a great idea. Don't allow your family to hold you back. Others here have said it well, don't look for encouragement or strength from people who have none to give; don't take the negative things they say personally in any way. This is their struggle in their own head and heart. I would like to encourage you to continue to pursue your dreams right now. It is not selfish at all. In fact I am inclined to believe that your dad would encourage you in the same way. You can still be part of seeing that your dad is taken care of. Have you looked into any outside care that he may be eligible for; such as a respite care? I know this, I spent most of my life putting off my dreams because of taking on too much responsibility for people in my family. I have also struggled with strong thoughts of depression in my past so I get it. Here is something to think about; if you live your life trying to make up for what others lack and trying to full fill every need that those you love have will there ever be time for you? God has put dreams in your heart and given you talents for a reason. You are like no one else. You have ways of seeing things and doing things that no one else has. Do not ever entertain thoughts of suicide for even a second. Make a plan and move forward on it. Part of that plan should absolutely be to replace any negative thoughts with positive ones. Personally, I am encouraged by the Bible and quotes from people I highly respect; people who have done amazing things in spite of great adversity. People like you. You, my friend, are an encouragement to others. You certainly have encouraged me. You will be in my prayers; I will pray for peace, strength and direction. I wish you the very best.
 
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