Probably a stupid question

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by demuredawn, Jan 7, 2014.

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  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    But thought I'd ask anyway...

    How do you chase that feeling of "I want to die" away? I'm dealing with that feeling all the time anymore... sometimes I have a reason, sometimes not.... most times I just always feel I deserve to die....
  2. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Dawn, no one deserves to die..even the devil.. What you got to do is keep trying to get to better position in your life..realize this not going to be easy at all.. It can be done hon.. There are ppl out there that will help you..

    I speak personally in saying this to you.. I got that help!!!
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    yea well i'm out of ideas to get to that better position... hence why i asked "how do YOU chase the feeling away?"
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    by keeping oneself so busy there is not room for that t ho ught to come through by using medication prescribed by a professional
    by taking therapy that changes your thoughts your way of thinking CBT or DBT
  5. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    your living arrangements and with who you live is not good at all.. that is why you have almost given up now.. he seems unwilling to change.. that leave you dawn.. changing it all is up to you.. terribly difficult for sure but not impossible.. dawn I walked out of my situation 50 yrs ago at age 17.. had no money, scared shitless and future was unknown then.. a social worker found me a halfway house to live and work part time helping in the kitchen.. was not much but it was better than where I had been..

    things got better over time for me.. I worked for it.. you can do the same.. I know a dear person who is a member on here that would love to offer some ideas about where and who you can contact in your state to help you start planning this.. all you need to do is ask..
  6. thundersphinx

    thundersphinx New Member

    Been there, done that. While you're busy you'll not think of dying but one your at home, it comes back, and it comes back stronger.

    BTW, I'm new here. I think I have chronic depression, and even if I my family about it, they just think I'm acting up.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you can keep yourself busy at home too i know i keep me busy no stop so it can be done do what takes to keep the thoughts at bay until you get help
  8. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I just put it off for a day or two; then another day or two. I don't want to die but if I put it off my mind relaxes and I start thinking of other things. Last year I kept putting it off for another couple of months and pushing the date out. I had planned to suicide last spring then last fall if I didn't find a job and last summer I found a job. But that's how I got through it. And I still plan to suicide except the timing is indeterminate.
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    jimk, i have made the decision not to talk about my situation here in the forums or in chat, b/c its obvious to me that doing so is only an open ended invitation for others to hurt me, and nothing i can really say/do about it (other than keep my mouth shut in the first place), so i'm really not going to go there, sorry.... i am just looking for ideas to deal kinda....

    CBT - tried, doesnt' work for me
    DBT - unable to get to the closest therapists/groups around as they are a four hour drive from me (however, this is the kind of therapy i need, i think) and i have no car and cannot pay that kind of taxi bill
    medications - docs say they've tried me on all of them... and all the ones they've tried me on just make things worse for me

    all the professionals i have been to have basically told me either "you don't have problems as big as other people, just get over them" or have told me that i'm the one at fault for my problems and therefore should not talk about them

    distraction - i do that almost all the time anymore, but the truth about distraction is it hides the problem but doesn't make it go away

    i am looking for a solution...

    now, back to you for a second jimk, i know i need to be the one to change the situation i am in, however... i will say this one more time, and i will not go into it at all b/c as i said i do not wish to discuss this or any issue involving me on this website anymore.... when i leave, i need to do it in a way that i can live with and that i can feel safe with... if i can't do one or either of those things, then i will not leave b/c if those 2 things aren't satisfied, i won't be happy in the end ever anyway...
  10. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    it seems like everyone has raised everything. I chase the feeling away by distractions, but as you said dawn, that just hides the problem.
    I don't feel like i can do or say anything specific to help, but your kindness to me and to others on this site is so evident. thank you lovely lady. *hugs*
  11. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    thank you Arun, i do try to be kind to everyone... and yes, i know at times i fail miserably at that, but its nice of you to say that... you seem to be kind too, judging from what i know of you so far... *hugs*
  12. ava321

    ava321 Active Member

    i feel like professionals tell me the same thing as you. i don't want help that i have to pay for, they're in it for the easy money in my opinion. all they want to say is "it could be worse" ... oh ok. i feel better now :/ ?

    i don't think the suicidial thoughts ever leave.. /hugs
  13. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    lol, yea i flat out asked one once... "so i guess i should just feel better now, huh?" they said.. no, you shoulda felt better a long time ago, you choose to keep your pain, i don't know why.. i'm just telling you to get rid of it. .... again, no help..... yea, i love being in tormenting pain, especially emotional, its just sooo much fun! (sarcasm there if you can't tell) and it's just sooo easy to just say "nope, i don't want the pain no more, so i'm gonna just tell it to go away now and it'll be all gone!" (more sarcasm) ..

    now, for those of you that think... well, maybe they are right, maybe you just cling to your pain.... ok, fine... but if thats the case, should they not at least tell me HOW to get rid of it.... i'm sure every one of us here can agree on one fact "emotional pain doesn't go away by tapping your heels 3 times and saying 'i want to be happy, i want to be happy, i want to be happy' or by snapping your fingers or just by simple decision" so... if thats the case, then i need instruction.... why is that impossible to get????
  14. Sky1

    Sky1 Member

    Hey Dawn,

    I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I would like to pitch in.

    Others have mentioned that keeping occupied helps and yeah it usually just hides the problems, but I think it could do more good than harm. From my own experience, when I was idle and left alone to my own mind, I always fared far worse and felt much more intensely the negative feelings of whatever situation I was in. I'm not sure if that is the case for you, but if doing something even just brings a little relief to you then maybe it might be worth considering.

    As others have mentioned, it won't solve the problem. I don't know your situation and I understand you not wanting to talk about it. I'm sorry that others have hurt you when you've opened up about it. It always hurts when you've opened up to people, and in a way become vulnerable, and instead of embracing you, some find a way to hurt you. Whatever pain it is that you are facing, there is a way to heal it, but knowing where to start isn't easy. I'm not sure that there are step-wise instructions to begin with it, but my advice would be to just take baby steps. Tackle one part of your situation at a time. Like a puzzle, the big picture is not made in one go, but is rather a set of pieces and eventually the smaller changes combine to compose the big one.

    I browse the forum more than I post (this is my first post hah) and I've only occasionally been in the chat, but I've noticed that you are very kind and really strive to help people on here, so despite the pain your heart faces, I hope that you'll keep trying and keep looking for the answers you seek. There is a way, and it could be frustrating constantly searching for it, but others on here and myself definitely genuinely want to help and see you find it.
  15. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi sky,

    ty for reaching out to me... and ty for all the kind words.

    honestly my battle with depression has been on-going for 27 yrs
    my battle with borderline personality i'm not sure exactly when the set on date was, but i've been diagnosed with it for 12 yrs
    and then there is the abusive relationships i have had and the abuse i'm still in ... its been an on-going cycle falling in and out of abuse for as long as my depression since my dad was really my first abuser after mom died...

    so i'm not really looking for "first steps" .. i'm just flat out of ideas, and need a few fresh ones.... i do the distraction thing quite often cuz its all i have left really atm... but i want something of substance that will actually go toward healing, not just covering up ... my counselors that i've had... (i dont currently go b/c my husband is so frustrated with the whole thing both for himself and me that he sees it as a waste of $$)... have decided rather to address the depression, and not the other problems i named at all even when i bring them up and ask directly for help about them... none of the meds i've ever been given have done anything other than harm me more, and i have done research to find the type of counseling i've been receiving (CBT) is not the type i need (DBT), but also found the nearest DBT to be 4 hours away, and with no car to get there is quite an impossibility for me.... so i'm just out of options really... i was trying to vent and etc before, but when i started being treated to tirades on how if i'm not wiling to leave my abuser then i just have to accept the misery that comes with abuse, and not being heard on my reasons for staying and that i need to feel good w/ my decision to leave and safe as well if i do leave.... i have just decided that talking/venting about it, just creates more problems, so i won't go there anymore.... so , thats another door closed... and i'm just out of ideas... thats all really
  16. Sky1

    Sky1 Member

    I see, I'm sorry that it has been a struggle for so long, and I'm sorry that you have to go through these very unfortunate circumstances. I have no idea how frustrating that probably feels. I can't really say that I've been in an abusive relationship so I can't relate there, but I can understand others encouraging you to leave, but I also see how you would want to do it in a way you feel you can because ultimately it has to be a choice you make in your own time.

    My experience with meds was pretty poor too, always made me feel worse. And while DBT doesn't seem to be a practical option atm, I hope you''ll always keep looking for it because maybe in time something closer will pop up. If you feel like it could be a possible goal, maybe you could work toward a vehicle or look into other transportation options like a train if that's possible (I realize that is probably not practical, but I wanted to try to offer an idea). For things of substance, as far as I know, that probably means therapy or improvements in situation/relationships, but not all therapy needs to begin with a psych. Sometimes with pain we feel we can begin to address it within our own heart and mind first even though it may at first glance feel unfruitful.

    I know I can't relate to everything you are going through, to be honest, myself would probably not know where to start if I were in your shoes, but I'd like to hear you and understand. So often, I don't post because I have no idea what to say, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help. If one day you feel like talking about it again, I'm here. No, I can't guarantee that I'll never say something wrong, but I can guarantee that I'd never intentionally try to, and maybe I don't have to say anything, I'll just listen and maybe in a way you'll stumble across your own answers. Take care.
  17. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Demuredawn, I've just been suggested by my pdoc and therapist that I should check out Amazon for workbooks on DBT. I found out there are LOTS of books out there on the topic and I feel that it might be an option for you too, for you're trying to get help but is having difficulties getting help. I don't know if you can find a support group, so that's why I'm thinking about you. Reading the book can offer you self-help to get insight on resolving or coping with your issues. I can't wait to get my workbook and I will earnestly try to use it as a tool to receive the healing that I need so much and I think you can benefit from it as well. Just a suggestion...
  18. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    mpang, ty for that suggestion, i did not know that workbooks were sold online at all.... i hope it works out very well for you :), i will check into it as well

    sky... you are so kind to me, thank you. i will continue to look for help, yes.. i hope that mpang's suggestion is something i can do, it will largely depend on cost and what my husband says about it, as far as transportation there are no buses that go thru this area, no trains locally either and i'm not even sure where the nearest train depot is... cabs are just super expensive but we take them twice a month but its all we can afford... we keep looking for a cheap car but it'd have to be really cheap as right now he's more or less got us maxed out to our limit as far as being able to finance anything... i think atm, the books are prob my best bet for the DBT .... i am looking at a possible solution for getting out of my living situation currently, but i want to make sure that things are kosher before i just up and go, but there is an offer that i may accept... wanted everyone aware of that... i may possibly talk to you sometime via inbox if that's ok... i really dont want to share publicly about certain things anymore.... lemme know if that'd be ok?
  19. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

  20. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hello, again. how are you today?
    before i begin, the link attached looks a good read, idk if useful for anything yet but anything is worth a try.

    to the original question, the little things? seeing beauty in the little things sometimes helps it here.
    also, thanks, for replying to my other thread but i don't know where to begin...
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