probably almost died

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ekka, Jan 4, 2016.

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  1. Ekka

    Ekka Member

    This morning I maybe almost accidentally killed myself. To do the story short, I'm currently in Japan for my studies, and to plug my charger (or anything else) I need an adapter. I broke mine by stepping on it. But it still work, even if the pieces falls apart sometimes and I have to reassemble it each time. So this morning I heard it fall and hit the floor. By reflex, without looking, I reached my hand to confirm it was no longer plugged. The thing is that only the plastic part fall, the metallic part was still inside. When I touched it I felt an electric shock going through my entire body and after I felt tingle in my tongue for a few minutes.
    I don't know if it was really dangerous, maybe not. But that not what's important here.
    The think is... I don't know how I feel about this experience. I'm not sure if I feel lucky because nothing happened or if I feel sad because it could have been my chance to die.
    It makes me confuse on if I really want to die, or live and seeing how it's easy to die, makes me doubt about the fact I've stated that I'm never going to kill myself as long as I can find only one person who will be deeply hurts by my death. I mean I don't really remember a time when I lived for myself. Every time I feel like dying I think about those I'll left behind, it's my only reason to be still alive. I can't afford to fail, or to be imperfect. I need to smile and make sure everyone is ok and that nobody worries about me, even if nobody really care about me. I need to be sure nobody see that I'm not ok, because when I don't hide it, but nobody understands I'm not all right, it hurts so much more. I need to look perfect even though I can't. Because I don't have any other reason to live, if nobody needs me I don't have to be alive anymore. That's what kept me on for many years.
    But if it's so easy to die accidentally, wouldn't it be easier to kill myself and make it look like an accident ?
    I've always seen myself as a coward, because I didn't had the courage to kill myself even when I was at my worst. I feel like even if I've lost everything I wouldn't be able to do it. But I was thinking the same about cutting myself before starting to do it, and one day I realized how easy it was.
    And so now I'm totally confused. I don't know if it made me afraid of dying without having done anything with my life or if it made me afraid of having to live any longer even though I have an easier way.
     
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  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and sorry for the late reply, the threads must have got lost in the pile! First off we cannot talk about suicide being accidents as we are strictly pro life and our main site etho is do no harm, promote no harm. I can assure you there are people here who care about you even if we don't know you all that well. I think you are happy you didn't get ill or worse from what happened. Happy because you want to live, have the will to live but yo just want things to be different, am I right?
    Here we understand and care, I think you are strong and can get through this very difficult and trying time in your life. Are you seeking professional help? You definitely should if you aren't already. I hope things get better for you and you want to keep going. Best of luck.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sure that people do care about you and you must know this, otherwise you would not be staying alive in order not to hurt your friends and family. Staying alive doesn't make you a coward. It makes you strong because you are deciding to continue living whilst under an immense amount of mental pain and anguish. What has happened to make you feel depressed? And are you seeking any professional help?
     
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  4. Ekka

    Ekka Member

    Yeah I do want to live, but not this life. I'm a failure, I can't do anything right. I don't have talent, every dreams I have always fall apart. I watch every one of my friends living theirs lifes and see how I'm the only one left behind. Things I wanted to do but couldn't, seeing them achieve it is hurt. Hearing peoples talk about their life and not having anything to said about mine. It feel like I'm not moving, like nothing never happen, and when it finally does it's just a dead-end. There was nothing for me until now and it feel like there won't be anything in the future.
    I don't seek for professional help, I don't really see how it could help me, I don't win money so I don't want my parents to have to pay for it. I don't think I should, I mean I don't have so much problems, I know my worries are ridiculous in comparison of the ones of others peoples and sometimes I don't feel that bad. Plus I can't cause I already have tried 2 times, in middle school and first year of high school. And each time I wasn't able to tell what really mattered, I didn't even tell I wanted to die, because I wasn't able to trust the person in front of me. I know I really do have a trust problem but I can't help it, the words won't come out and I know I need to talk so I just say I feel lonely and that's all. What can I do when I can't talk and my problems are almost insignificants ?
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You can write down your thoughts and feelings, read what you read and realize where you lied or coached yourself into writing something you did not mean, and write them down again until you get a version that feels honest to yourself. Then look at that list of things that bother you or your problems and perhaps share a single one of them with somebody and try to figure a way to make it a little better so it is not a problem, and when that one small thing is fixed look at the next thing on the list and do the same. Sometimes it is not solving problems at all but simply learning that some thoughts and feelings are okay and they don't need solving, just accepting. After a while you will have made it so you have fewer issues and secrets and will see progress can be made.

    You can also decide to share this list with a professional and your parents will not mind paying or having help paying because it will make you better and more able to do more for yourself now and later. But don't try to solve everything or tell everything at once to anybody but yourself and it will be easier to learn to trust and to learn that you can feel better.
     
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