This morning I maybe almost accidentally killed myself. To do the story short, I'm currently in Japan for my studies, and to plug my charger (or anything else) I need an adapter. I broke mine by stepping on it. But it still work, even if the pieces falls apart sometimes and I have to reassemble it each time. So this morning I heard it fall and hit the floor. By reflex, without looking, I reached my hand to confirm it was no longer plugged. The thing is that only the plastic part fall, the metallic part was still inside. When I touched it I felt an electric shock going through my entire body and after I felt tingle in my tongue for a few minutes. I don't know if it was really dangerous, maybe not. But that not what's important here. The think is... I don't know how I feel about this experience. I'm not sure if I feel lucky because nothing happened or if I feel sad because it could have been my chance to die. It makes me confuse on if I really want to die, or live and seeing how it's easy to die, makes me doubt about the fact I've stated that I'm never going to kill myself as long as I can find only one person who will be deeply hurts by my death. I mean I don't really remember a time when I lived for myself. Every time I feel like dying I think about those I'll left behind, it's my only reason to be still alive. I can't afford to fail, or to be imperfect. I need to smile and make sure everyone is ok and that nobody worries about me, even if nobody really care about me. I need to be sure nobody see that I'm not ok, because when I don't hide it, but nobody understands I'm not all right, it hurts so much more. I need to look perfect even though I can't. Because I don't have any other reason to live, if nobody needs me I don't have to be alive anymore. That's what kept me on for many years. But if it's so easy to die accidentally, wouldn't it be easier to kill myself and make it look like an accident ? I've always seen myself as a coward, because I didn't had the courage to kill myself even when I was at my worst. I feel like even if I've lost everything I wouldn't be able to do it. But I was thinking the same about cutting myself before starting to do it, and one day I realized how easy it was. And so now I'm totally confused. I don't know if it made me afraid of dying without having done anything with my life or if it made me afraid of having to live any longer even though I have an easier way.