Hello everyone. I really hate writing this and burdening you with yet another painful life, but I believe this to be one of my last steps. Hopefully anyway. I don't understand the big upset over someone wanting to end their life. Especially when their life is very meaningless, and painful. Why do others want you to live in such misery? They say people who kill themselves are "selfish"; I say, people who believe that are selfish. They want you to live so they don't have to feel bad. I have been thinking of killing myself, and different ways of killing myself for a very long time. I was much stronger when I was younger, but then I believed in fairy tales of a wonderful life in my future. Long story short: I was an abused child in every sense of the word. I married a man (I think now to get out of my abusive home) that became abusive as time went on. I had three children with him. I love them more than life itself. I also have five grandchildren now. Two I've never seen. My son grew up and now lives next door to the man that abused us, and will not talk to me anymore. I don't get it. I've been raped once by my best friends brother, and several times by my first husband. My second husband was my love. I was married to him for 10 years when he told me he was cheating. He said it was because I had gained weight (40 lbs). He said I had headaches and that was hard for him to watch me go through. I do get headaches, but it's nothing Excedrin couldn't handle. I was totally crushed, but it's been seven years now and I'm well over him. I still can't figure out who he found to cheat with? He was short, balding, and was pretty chunky himself with a very big tummy. Oh well ... that's my life. By the way, I am no slouch when it comes to looks. Once I was divorced and was going through my I hate men stage, my girlfriend and I went drinking a lot to drowned our sorrows. I was constantly hit on by 20 something year olds. Good grief, I was in my early 40's. Not my thing, but flattering. I couldn't have looked all that bad. I don't think his cheating had anything to do with me. I think he wanted to cheat, and that's all there was too it. Today and for the past six years ... I lost a very good job due to the economy. The business closed after being open for 70 years and moved out of the states. To this day I haven't found a good job. Right now I'm working part time because that's all there is. I'm losing my house. I can't make the payments. I've offered to give some stuff to my daughter, but she doesn't really want any of my junk. She is very nice and I love her, but she isn't interested in the things that I have saved over the years. I wonder why? I feel very alone. No man friend to speak of in the past seven years. I don't think a man would want me. Not a good man anyway. I'm getting old, and I have really lost interest in most things. There is so much more, but this is already way too long and will probably be one of those that gets passed by. I think I have lost my faith (that's another story, and if you are interested I will tell it, but if not that's ok too). Well, again, I'm sorry. I really don't blame my friends and family for never calling. Never stopping over. I don't even get emails from them anymore. I'm just really tired of this day to day "nothing". There is just nothing in this world for me. I love my children, but only one of them talks to me. If it weren't for my daughter and her son, I would be gone by now. The hardest part about this is ... I'm completely sain, logical, and I can still laugh at jokes. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I was a little off the wall. I have a stash of sleeping pills and I'm sure that is the way I will go someday. If I ever build up the courage. I just don't want to hurt my grandson and daughter. I wish they could understand how painful it is to live this way day in and day out. Ok, I'm done for now .... thank you if you got this far.