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Probably the most common title here, but I want to die.

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F*ck you.

7 years today and still not a word. No confirmation, but silent contemplation. Everything thinks they know, and to each, their own truth. But it hit me a while back, and I remembered. You at the beach, getting drunk at the pavilion. Next thing, I am very scared. I see you swimming way out in the water. I was maybe 9 or 10? You swam out very far, but it wasn't even that far. I wanted you to come back so bad, but it's almost like you thought it was funny... To make everyone scared that you would keep swimming and not come back. Haha will someone come and get me? Will they really all just stand there and watch me do this?

You f*cking moron. Thought no one would miss you? Convinced yourself it didn't matter anymore so f*ck it? Was it a test to see if society would really just stand back and watch you slip away while no one did anything?

You were last spotted by some tourist couple that watching from their lanai on their hotel balcony, swimming out into the sunset horizon. They figured, probably, that you had a reason to be swimming out and felt no cause for concern. Did you realize that, maybe? That it wasn't just that everyone hates you and didn't care that you were actually taking your own life?

The f*cked up part is, that despite the misunderstanding that evidently existed in your brain, I understand why you did it. I get it. No motivation. Nothing better to do that just get completely fucked up everyday. I mean, I could never do that per say -- but I have my vices too. You were trying to escape the pain you feel. And why did you feel pain? Oh probably a million reasons -- the biggest one being sensitivity. If every event in a person's life has a relative impact, every one of them added to your plate that eventually cracked because it wasn't very strong in the first place. Nothing feels good anymore and you know that even if it does, it will be so short lived that it's not even worth appreciating. Everything feels artificial and happiness is hyperness and it is all fake. Mom tries to say you just just artistic and creative, but what f*cking art did you ever produce? You did nothing with yourself and really had little talent. Granted you were a master manipulater when you were on top of your game, but you could never see anything through.

You could have made a difference in my life, but you didn't. You broke every promise and half of everything you ever told me was a lie. I miss the idea of you, but I don't miss who you were at all, and sadly, I don't think there are many that actually miss you, if any at all. Just perhaps, the few rare moments you were slightly funny or sober. Wait, I don't actually remember a sober moment at all.

You were a bum. Thanks for nothing.

Now I am older. I have been suffering from suicidal thoughts my whole life. Today, I want to die. I see no point in continuing on or trying to change. I fail every time.

I am a mother now. In so many ways, I am just like you. The worst of my mom's high pitched anger and your self hatred. No one misses you and I won't be missed either.

I just want to start over, but now I am poor, alone, and I am stuck. I will never leave this tiny island, and yet, I don't belong here.
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