Probably

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Feb 19, 2011.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I cant seem to get to a better place. The thoughts wont leave my head. I HAVE to go out tonight. No choice. But I know what will result from it. I hate that I've wasted my time and others by coming back here. Sorry.
     
  2. Broken-Angel

    Broken-Angel Banned Member

    Hello,

    Welcome back!!! Suicide Forum are surely glad you are back!
    I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling to well, yyou are not alone. Weldone for posting asking for help, that takes a lot of courage :hug:
    Would you like to tell us whats happening for YOU?
     
  3. contemplative

    contemplative Member

    I was listening to a song while reading your post and just as I finished, the chorus came on: "The sun always sets
    The moon always falls.
    It feels like the end, Just pay no mind at all.
    Keep rollin', rollin',
    Life must go on.
     
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    don't apologize, i'm glad you're back. anything happen today to trigger you? or did it get all too much. keep posting, i want to help you get through this.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Nope you can't leave i won't let you lol You are just feeling overwhelmed okay just take it day by day we all have those bad days C please know it will pass
    I hope tomorrow will be better You have us here now okay as you always had so don't leave again hang on
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    HI C..I prefer you are here with us than not knowing how you are..
    please stay and let us help if we can *hug*
     
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    It wasn't a waste of time. I've enjoyed every post of yours, as I'm sure others have as well.
     
  8. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    I know I don't know you as some others on the site, but I do see somebody who is loved and admired a great deal. I do hope that you are OK. :hug:
     
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :hug::hiya:
    how you doing C?
     
  10. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm fidgety. I cant seem to find anything to quiet the thoughts. I've been here for quite some time tonight. Trying to reply to posts. Trying to quiet the urges. I'm alone and feeling every essence of the loneliness. I had the chance to see all my kids over the long weekend. In my head that says I can go now. I made sure it was a good time for all of them. Now I can leave. Yet a tiny part of me says try hard to stay. But it is such a tiny part. It is easily silenced by the loneliness and the horribly strong urges to suicide. So frustrating. Even more so trying to put into words just how intense it all feels right this second. Trying to hold on to that little part when everything else feels like listening to the huge part that wants to leave now. I'm so confused, scared and alone.
     
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hey Carla, I'm glad to hear that you spent time with your kids. I hope they are all doing well. I really hope that you can find the strength to carry on. You're a wonderful person and you help so many people here. Please don't hurt yourself. :hug:
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey C you have to hold on to your children s smiles the sound of their voices their embraces you have to know that they will be coming back again for their mothers embrace hugs to you
     
  13. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    You aren't alone. You have us. We care about you. I'd like to get to know you more! :hug: Things can get better. And they will. Just keep reminding yourself that things can always change for the better. You can always come here and find someone to talk to.

    Try to find things to do when you get those impulses. Don't let them control you. Do things like take a bath, read a book, go for a walk, listen to music. There are ways to fight those urges, but sometimes it takes a while to figure out what works best. And sometimes we have to try a lot more then once to find out what works. Just hold on. :hug: We are here for you!

    I hope you feel better.
     
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    These feelings hit so often. I feel like I'm burdening others by posting about them already. But I'm trying so hard to "teach" myself to reach out rather than to isolate. Isolating I know too well and I know what happens when I do. DOnt know I cant even put it all into words its so overwhelming.
     
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    not burdening anyone C i just took a bath again for the 4th time now trying to keep me busy just keep talking here okay let out the emotions the fears the pain and sadness let it out safely here h ugs
     
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    You'll never be a burden here hun...keep reaching out...*hug*
     
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Cant shake it. Why does it seem like every time I need my therapist he cancels out? Last week was a write off. He was ill and things just didint move. This week I need to tell him what level Im at. We made a "code" to follow so that he would know when I was on that edge dangling by one foot. I really needed that visit today. Now I've got a whole day to try and stay safe with only me to work with. Not very promising. Only have one person in real life that I cant turn to now. The others walked away. God I miss having those people when I feel like I do now. Yet when I think of them I feel so guilty trying to figure out what I did that would chase them away like that. And the suicidal thoughts feed off that. Viscious circle. To Hell with it. Gonna go do the things I know to do. Leave the rest up to fate or destiny or what ever today has to offer me.
     
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ya know what? Just screw it. I am NOT allowed to have good things go my way. I dont know why I keep trying and expecting I should. I wanted to include my poetry scattered among the pages of the novel I was working on. When I transferred my poetry from here to the pages of my novel, it some how erased all the pages that came from my heart and soul. Previously I had a corrupt file, but fortunately I had emailed what I had to that point to a friend to read. So that's all I have. 3 months of putting my life out there and it's gone. I fucking give up. I really wanted this. But my ex always comes out right.... I dont deserve good things. I'm really shaking on the edge here. A bottle of rye and 4 vials of ***** and the book wont matter anymore. Nothing will. This truly is too hard to take.
     
  19. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Sis, I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner but I haven't been on line the past couple of weeks.. Your words help alot of people here on the forum.. You are very insightfull..I'm sorry you are feeling so down.. Have you talked to your pdoc about skyzo meds.. I'm on them and I am not skyzo... They really help with my thoughts..Maybe just bring it up the next time you see her/him.. I don't want anything to happen to you.. I was worried the last time you stayed gone..You inspire me to keep reaching out to others..I hope you get past this and keep holding on..We are reaching out to yoou.. You know my hand is there for you all the time..Take Care Sweetie....
     
  20. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    The days I spent writing it, were so hard to face. A lot of the abuse surfaced. A lot of painful memories emurged. Something that I thought I really could do. A novel. Gone. And that is exactly where I want to be too, gone.
     
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