Problems with natural function

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by sunnypseudo, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    So this is difficult for me to talk about with the idea that people will read this and might reply. I think I need to talk about it tho. I know, logically the answer to a lot of my problems but mentally and emotionally are not jiving with the logic.

    I'd rather not get too graphic but I think that's unavoidable. For that I apologize and giving you a chance to back out of this post.

    I was sexually abused through my teens, and later was raped when I was finally out on my own. Today, I'm married with two children with someone I trust and love more than anything. Unfortunately our libidos do not align great. I am left feeling aroused more often than not. With that, means I am rejected physically, a lot. As it is, feeling aroused is not something I am comfortable with, being rejected makes it worse. I don't know if I would categorize myself as hyper sexual or not. Before I met my husband, i avoided sex often. I hated it in fact. It was a chore, something that I had to do. That's how I used to view it. It was an obligation. Now, not even being wanted (in my perception which admittedly is very skewed) just destroys me.

    If this was physically something that was so important that it was just taken from me when not given, then why isn't it important to him?

    Anyways, when I've been dealing with being aroused for too long, I get neurotic. I really want to hurt myself just to distract my body from feeling aroused. I have.. hurt? myself from the inside, just to make it stop before. I've never gone passed clawing at it until the arousal stopped, and it's been a while since I've done it. I can't think straight, I'm crabby, and I feel sick. It upsets me so much to even want sex, let alone how much and how often I want it. Even after this long, I feel like I'm dysfunctional for being aroused, especially for how often I am. I want to vomit. I disgusted by myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. As an adult my age, I feel like I should be able to control it by now, repress it, move on with my day/life. I can't though. I just want it all to stop. I want the feeling to stop. I don't want to feel useless and gross anymore. I just want to cry and hide and never look at anyone again.

    I guess thats why the rejection hurts so much. I feel like every time I am rejected it's because he can see the damage that was done. Like after all these years broken toys just aren't as fun to play with. Like he was tired of playing with something damaged and tossed to the side by the last person. Maybe he can see all the problems that make me aroused. Maybe he is disgusted by me too. I get so mad at myself for throwing myself at him with all the digression of a yowling she cat.

    As I said, I know logically thatg all of this is probably normal, normal for someone who is just damaged goods.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Women's libido's tend to peek around 30, whereas for men it's often in decline at that age.

    Age, stress, and other factors, like any medication he might be taking, could be lowering his libido. Antidepressants very often cause libido to decrease.

    Whether it's through couples counseling, or just having a heart-to-heart, communicating about this, finding out why there's a libido mismatch, and learning how to communicate better could do a lot of good.

    I've heard that communicating about things that you are unhappy about in a non-hostile, or even loving way is the number one predictor of a relationship staying together.

    I'm not sure if you've talked about this yet, but if you told him that you love him, but you really feel rejected by him sometimes, there might be a way to work things out.

    For example, if sometime when you wanted to have sex and he didn't, if he said something like "I love you but I'm not in the mood to have sex right now", maybe you wouldn't feel rejected.

    It's also possible that there's an unresolved conflict that's making him want to have sex less, so making sure that you have good communication might even harmonize your libido's itself.

    If you're interested, there's a qi gong practice that's supposed to help you control your sexual energy, without repressing it. That is, to be able to control when it's on or off.
    sunnypseudo likes this.
  3. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    His libido is mostly caused, I think from low testosterone. He's been on a replacement but I'm still lucky if it's once a month. We've talked about this for years as it became an issue after we were married. These days, I don't bother bringing it up. My own arousal has been off the charts since we became active. It just hasn't slowed down yet.

    We've talked often over the years, within the last five any time it was discussed it was calmly, relatively, I usually cry as it's a very sensitive subject for me. To talk about it now just feels cruel and pointless. I know what's going on physically, but again it's that logic verses mental and emotional. I guess mostly because this did start when we were young.

    I am very interested in anything that will help control my libido. I'd honestly rather not have one period. Not just because of being mismatched but I don't feel I should have one. I'm writing this before coffee so I have no idea how much of this makes sense
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    No worries, it makes sense to me.

    I can't help but think that it's not primarily his not wanting sex, but the way he tells you. Like if he hugged you and told you how much he loved you, but said he didn't feel like having sex, it seems like it would be much better.

    There's a qi gong practice called microcosmic orbit meditation that you could try out. Meditation in general might help.

  5. Bassettherapy

    Bassettherapy Well-Known Member

    Oh honey. :( where to start.
    Number one is that it is NATURAL for EVERYONE to want to feel desired. It's also a natural thing to feel hurt when you are not, especially when that person is your everything.
    Yes you avoided sex before C because you didn't have the level of trust and love that you do now. When you finally had that you found your sex drive with a vengeance. You spent his prime sex years pregnant and chasing toddlers which I know was not something you would have chosen without him. While you were busy with that and other crisis, his sex drive was dwindling. When you suddenly had time again it was gone. I know it's natural to blame yourself, especially with your low self image. But he does have a medical reason for not being in the mood. Since his testosterone therapy has started you have improved from once or twice a year to once every month or so. That is progress. Just not as gast as you had hoped.
    As far as seeing you as disgusting mentally, emotionally and physically...
    Mentally he has already said he likes a strong minded woman and you are one of the strongest people I know.
    Emotionally, you guys talked everything out before you were married and he knew what he was getting into and loved you anyways. He still does, I can see it in how you two interact.
    Physically, when you were 120 you were still disgusted with your body. I think that's a natural response to what you went through and I think you are still dealing with that. C fed you because you were to thin and he would rather you be healthy than a string bean. I know you have let your workout slide because of the emotional mess you have been in. You have had a lot going on in the stress department and your schedule got thrown off. I know when you are ready you will hit it again harder than ever. SUMMER IS COMING! Walks with the kids and dogs and working in the yard.
    Even if you stay right where you are I don't think it matters to him. He just wants you to be happy where you are at. I wish you could see you as I do and as C does.
    I know it is something you have delt with for a long time but simply feeling aroused at the thought of your one true love is not a bad thing. Hell you feel guilty about dreams with someone else on the rare occasion one presents its self. He is your person, one of the few on the planet you can actually stand. It would be weird for you not to want him.
    I have a friend that is a year younger than you and she has literally had the urge hit so strong she has taken care of herself in the car on the way to work... being horny all the time at this age is natural and very common.
    I can't make it all better but I am here for you any time.
  6. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    @may71 thank you for the name to look up. I started looking into it when you brought it up and I felt very lost. He isn't mean about turning me doen, it's just being turned down. Honestly right now I'm feeling a bit better. I'm tossing myself into drawing and video games and excessive cleaning.

    @Bassettherapy thank you hun. You do see me in a much better light than I do, even tho it's more than I deserve.
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! :)
    sunnypseudo likes this.
  8. Kristan

    Kristan New Member

    You are not damaged goods, you have been through a lot it sounds like! I hope you know you are valuable and cherished and it is totally ok to be feeling out of sorts and frustrated by what's going on. As I read your post I though of a podcast that I had heard and thought maybe it would bring some encouragement to you. I can send you the link if you would like. I would love to know what you think of this and if it is helpful for you at all. Also how are you doing this week?
  9. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Oh also, I could try to describe the microcosmic orbit meditation, but I may not do such a good job.