So this is difficult for me to talk about with the idea that people will read this and might reply. I think I need to talk about it tho. I know, logically the answer to a lot of my problems but mentally and emotionally are not jiving with the logic. I'd rather not get too graphic but I think that's unavoidable. For that I apologize and giving you a chance to back out of this post. I was sexually abused through my teens, and later was raped when I was finally out on my own. Today, I'm married with two children with someone I trust and love more than anything. Unfortunately our libidos do not align great. I am left feeling aroused more often than not. With that, means I am rejected physically, a lot. As it is, feeling aroused is not something I am comfortable with, being rejected makes it worse. I don't know if I would categorize myself as hyper sexual or not. Before I met my husband, i avoided sex often. I hated it in fact. It was a chore, something that I had to do. That's how I used to view it. It was an obligation. Now, not even being wanted (in my perception which admittedly is very skewed) just destroys me. If this was physically something that was so important that it was just taken from me when not given, then why isn't it important to him? Anyways, when I've been dealing with being aroused for too long, I get neurotic. I really want to hurt myself just to distract my body from feeling aroused. I have.. hurt? myself from the inside, just to make it stop before. I've never gone passed clawing at it until the arousal stopped, and it's been a while since I've done it. I can't think straight, I'm crabby, and I feel sick. It upsets me so much to even want sex, let alone how much and how often I want it. Even after this long, I feel like I'm dysfunctional for being aroused, especially for how often I am. I want to vomit. I disgusted by myself, physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. As an adult my age, I feel like I should be able to control it by now, repress it, move on with my day/life. I can't though. I just want it all to stop. I want the feeling to stop. I don't want to feel useless and gross anymore. I just want to cry and hide and never look at anyone again. I guess thats why the rejection hurts so much. I feel like every time I am rejected it's because he can see the damage that was done. Like after all these years broken toys just aren't as fun to play with. Like he was tired of playing with something damaged and tossed to the side by the last person. Maybe he can see all the problems that make me aroused. Maybe he is disgusted by me too. I get so mad at myself for throwing myself at him with all the digression of a yowling she cat. As I said, I know logically thatg all of this is probably normal, normal for someone who is just damaged goods.