problems with online friendships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Menchi, Sep 7, 2009.

  1. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    This is just something which is really getting to me right now, and i'm struggling to resolve it in my head, so wanted to post.

    I joined SF, like most people, because it was an anonymous place i could talk about what was going on with me, no matter how bad it got, and try to be there for others who are feeling the same. It also means that i could trust those on here, simply because i was still me outside here, i wasn't giving anything of myself which would link me to who i am outside this forum... But people who were there for me, who i talked to, and through that managed to get closer to, i mean naturally i started sharing more, as i feel more comfortable talking to someone, and on SF as a whole... So i trust those who i don't know, because they don't know me, and there is nothing to exploit, but then i trust those more who do know me, and who i know, because i was able to share who i am, and not be judged for it... but then, i feel like because i am close to them, that maybe i don't want to seem quite as much of a wierdo, the same way i don't share with those closest to me IRL some of the stuff i have been through, and how i feel, simply through fear of pushing them away with it... I started writing in here a thread on... well, on something i then decided not to, because of this, so wanted to try and think this out instead.

    How can it be that i feel like sharing less with those who i am closer to, than to complete strangers, and even if i get closer to the people on SF because of those things, that it puts me off posting... the darker stuff, at least? And now that stuff is shared... well i really don't know what to do.

    probably making no sense at all lol
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Its okay i don't make sense sometimes mmy mind just rambles on but i think i understand the battle going on in your brain. I find it easier to tell strangers things because i know they will never see me again or judge me too. I never tell people closest to me anything as i don't want people to look at me differently. i really don't trust people but if someone i know lets me down then no great loss as this person really didn't care for me anyways. Now i am not making sense ah but i do think i understand take care.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Wow I was feeling something so similar today! I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow about it but for now lets say you are not the only one!
    Love ya! Bambi aka iamb
  4. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    i know what you mean. i think its partly because we can turn off our computers, delete our historys, and walk away. but in life we cant people we know are a part of our lives, a part of ourselves, and the better we know someone the more vunerable we make ourselves. we open up because others do. unfortunately some people pretend to open up and exploit others. but my point is the "group vunerability mindset" we have.

    thats what makes it easier on here i think
  5. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    I think that we all have those things in our heads that no matter how close we feel we are with someone, we're afraid of alienating those we care about, or at least who's opinions we respect.

    I have alot of ideological quandries bouncing around in my head, often too many of them I don't care to share with people close to me, because I know from my personal experience with these people that if I did release certain choice bits of minutia in my mind, the reactions that I would get.

    Homosexual fantasies, sociological concepts that seem perhaps cruel or ill thought out, violent feelings or desires, sexual kinks quirks and twists etc. etc.

    I suppose that's why alot of people turn to the internet and other "anonymous" places to vent, and seek advice or just a like-mind.

    My only advice to you, is to maintain a place where you can be yourself. No matter how small, or confined. Make a private post on a journal, keep a written diary, or perhaps just take a shot and post here on SF or some other forum. You may be surprised at the reaction you get, but at least it fulfills it's purpose of being a place where you can be "you."
  6. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    The big question is though, what do you do when the ones you would go to because of the safety of anonanimity, are the ones you end up caring about, being close to, and sharing your real self with...
  7. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    I suppose I would advise maintaining the original intent of your relationship.

    It was formed in a place designed for openess, and truth. It was the basis for your friendship if you think of it.

    At the least, I think your friends should respect that, even if they have an adverse reaction to your statements. We don't have to agree, or even like the ideas or opinions of others. But I think that in this circumstance, since it was the foundation of your interactions, it should be met with the same courtesy.

    To turn it around, if one of your friends came to you with something deeply personal, in a vulnerable state of mind, even if you dissagreed, or even were repulsed by it, would you have the presence of mind to accept the manner in which it was conveyed to you? Would you be able to respect the courage and trust that such a confession would depend on?
  8. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    There is a safety net built into anominity. We can share every detail about our lives because no one knows us.

    When we let someone in, we become concerned for their welfare as well as our own, and we tend then to back off a bit.

    It happens not only with online friends here but at other forums too. And...can be also true when love blossoms between 2 people of the same forum.