If that makes sense. I have problems with things in the moment. Like.. anything now to be honest. Im running off of hope and dreams if that makes sense. At work, i can't handle thinking about my low life job as im doing it, I have to put my music on and literally go inward and expand to breath. {I hope that makes sense} Like, even feeling things, i feel numb to them, but if i think about them before hand or afterwards, I have more perspective and feelings to them. :S it makes me want to break down, and I feel like im floating from scene to scene. But I still feel the negative impacts from the moment, it's like shockwaves to who i am. Maybe i dont connect with the moment because of fear of the reality of my life. I dont particularly look at my life as how i want my life to be. Can't handle the contrast of who and what I am to what and how I am living. Does anyone know what I mean by not being able to connect with what your doing in the moment? Its confusing and a bit clostrophobic at times. I sit still or try to find the desire to do something in the moment and I hit walls. Im trying to understand, im just only really starting to see it.
I kind of get what you mean. I have a lot of trouble paying full attention to what's going on around me, for example, talking to a friend or my therapist or just observing stuff.. I tend to just fold in on myself and my mind takes over. So despite the fact that people might be talking to me or I might be engaged in an activity, my mind is always somewhere else and afterwards it can be hard to remember what happened because I feel like I can't pay full attention. It's kinda like being a zombie.. blindly going through life 'unaware' until later on you have all these thoughts and feelings about what you maybe should have done or could have said in the situation but didn't.
Yeah somewhat I think. When I get near people, i get incredibly terrified. That hits me like a wave that usually comes in the form of `dont say anything, you dont understand what theyre on about, you're going to look stupid, you're going to confuse them, your ugly, laughable, no one wants to hear your about u`. Im kinda numb to that now, have to be with life, it's just one of those things, but it's not really that now. Now it's everything. I go to work, and im embarassed by it, angry at it, and I can't think about it, not in the precise moment. I can think about it overall, or as in tomorrow, or in five minutes, or predicting things, but sa far as letting how I see and feel about the work completely into who I am. I can't do that. It's bad though, it means I can't connect with what people are doing and saying. I can't see things and remember them, it's almost all hazey, my heads elsewhere, trying to encourage and remind myself why im doing what Im doing, instead of focusing and knowing why im doing what Im doing. I can deal with the fact im not social and people and I arent going to work, but when I cant even connect with my work for more than a few seconds without having to associate what Im doing to something that connects to a hope or dream.. im missing things, and at the sametime having to create more and more energy based off of hope and dreams to motivate myself, because .. if i let the reality of my own life become the absolute in any regard.. I cant handle that. Atleast right now everything is adjustable, I can move and take hits without them hitting me deep inside, but if I accept my life exactly for what it is, .. i donno. I know my lifes shit, I feel it, I cant deny how I feel, but knowing it specifically? I cant accept all of that at once all the time. Its too much. Yet I have to... so I need to find ways of accepting the reality of my life in the moment more. Im just unsure how to do this. To be honest im the only encouragment I trust and believe. Because everyone else who encourages me I destroy in some way so I give up on people because im a horrible person who doesnt understand how to be a person with other people and.. things just go wrong, so every bit of encouragment I build on backfires and dissolves, leaving me even worse off and left in a haze. Ug It takes me forever to figure out what Im trying to say. i donno how to accept reality without it crushing me :S but by not accepting it im prolonging my life in a dillusion, but by accepting it, im forcing myself down a.. road I have to go down i guess. idk.. I rebound quickly and am aware of what happens with people almost instantly once I disconnect from that moment we share. But in the moment? I cant handle it or focus anymore through it to be normal. Don't exactly have teh best practice. I confuse the life out of myself and subsquently, my indecisivness confuses other people, and hinders my ability to grow and commit to certain thoughts and actions in a progressive manner. Leaving me as free and unhappy and alone as i am now. What can i do :S
