When I was a kid, all throughout my growing up, I didn't have any signs of depression, and my anxiety was minimal, normal run of the mill stuff, like while giving a speech in class etc. Between the ages of 13 - 18 were the best year of my life. I had tons of friends and girls really liked me. I was always in a good mood. I had a lof of classmates who'd be talking about this person, or that person, and how that person was this or that. And I'd always just listen and say nothing, hoping they'd change the subject. They would ask me if I thought so too. I'd just shrug my shoulders and say...I dunno. I just never had a hate on for anyone. I just wanted to be friends with everyone, no matter. Thinking back I know why I was probably like that. Basically, in a nutshell...positive thinking, daily, hourly, and doses of self love. I didn't try to fabricate thoughts of self love, the feeling was already there. I'm not talking about conceit, I just mean a feeling of love that...it's kinda hard to explain. It's as if it's directed outward at the same time. It's love I feel coming towards me, but shining out to everything too. Anyway, I would often listen to my favorite music in my room and daydream about how the future was gonna turn out, how the adventure would unfold, it was so exciting. Like how I was going to meet that special girl and she was out there just waiting for me to discover her. And how I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I suppose a lot of it was youth, and hormones, etc. But the result was that by programming my brain with an over abundance of positive thoughts, it made me happy, energetic, and youthful and affected people around me in positive way as well. I'm going to experiment with this and see if I can drum up some of the same optimism and excitement I did so many years ago. Why not right? Because since that time, over the past 20 years, I've gotten more and more anxious and depressed by programming my brain in a negative way, it's done nothing but get me to a point of extreme low self esteem, self pity, angry, and depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. I want my self back. I want the freedom to act, as I want, in every situation, and not feel fear of losing control. I feel like a slave to this negativity. Even if I have to trick myself into thinking it'll be all roses in the future, I don't care. If I spend a higher quality time on this rock because of it, it's defo worth it. The Buddhists say, be in this world, not of it. That makes a lot of sense. We're all worth it, every one of us. We are all unique and we all deserve love and respect. We need to give it to ourselves and not let ourselves get down. A seed doesn't turn into a tree overnight, it takes water, earth, sunlight, and love to grow. Excuse me a sec, time to reach for the water pot.