I believe the reason I joined SF a billion or so years ago was college struggles. Between lack of direction, simple not being a smart person, and mental health issues... I repeatedly broke down. I spent a lot of time sure I would fail the next exam, and sure that I would kill myself for it. Eventually I dropped out of college... GPA is respectable but at the rate I was going... I don't remember how old I figured I would be, but it was much to old to make sailing through college worth anything. Unfortunately my current "job" broke me down repeatedly... as well as anxiety and depression. Eventually a combination of the 3 got me thrown in the hospital. While that wasn't fun it did get me to realize I need help. Therapy has been good for personal well being. I am tackling certain things in child hood breaking past some of the bullying, seeing where I started thinking I am someone who everybody hates, thinking why would women ever like me and other stuff like that... and it has helped. I have never seen so much hope ther. The problem is it circles back to career... without it I am nothing. There is no way in hell I can thingk about marrying a woman if I am not making a decent enough salary to make house payments, and have enough to take care of children. I am going to be a very boring friend if I don't have the money to go out when invited. I have wasted 7 years of my life on this fucking family business... but the relative who owns it thinks I am to stupid to be anything more than a laboror. So... I am 24 looking to start at the bottom... but I am burnt out of the bottom. Even if I do find a job despite being a college drop out and having no expierence... I am going to burn out and become suicidal really quickly if I don't see hope for purpose, and financial security. I can't keep persueing dead ends... I can't handel being trapped anymore. I don't know how the hell to fix this... I am not good at much... I can't go through another heavey season of my current job without killing myself... I just can't. Furthermore I don't know how the hell I can handel a new dead end job if I don't have a family, or something else to tell myself Ia m doing it for. Maybe I am a good person... but unless I discover my calling... I fear it is only a matter of time before Ib reakdown and relapse to my old, constantly broken down and suicidal state.