Progressively getting worse.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by throwaway1234, Aug 6, 2012.

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  1. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    So, okay here we go...

    The main reason I joined this forum is to basically tell other people who understand what I'm going through. *The only two people who really know about me contemplating suicide are my wife, who doesn't really help and our friend, who's broken down more than a few times when I bring it up. *So, I don't tell her anymore. *I just put a fake smile and try to avoid being in her presence.

    I've been thinking about suicide for quite some time; just imaginings, really. *But it's since gotten a lot worse.

    I've always thought of jumping off something high. *Due to my extreme fear of heights, I figured it'd be poetic in a sense. *But throw in a series of horrible events over the past couple of months, including a stay in a psych ward for six days and a reaction to the anti-depressants my idle thoughts started to change into something more achievable and the thought become overwhelming.
    Where before it was just a thought maybe once or twice a day, it has since become a constant urge.

    I am absolutely terrified that I might actually do it. I feel like I'm slowly slipping out of touch with reality and the thought has taken over. So much so that it has caused me to burst into tears on several occasions, which is saying something, because the last time I actually cried was when I was still in single digits.

    I know there's nothing anyone can really do to help at this point, but I just wanted other people (especially ones that won't try and put me back in the psych ward) and hopefully ease this burden I've been carrying, because it's becoming extremely difficult to manage on my own.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Do you currently see a therapist of Psychologist? Do you think you might try different kind of meds? :( I'm sorry you are getting so bad.. I once was so bad for a week.. I also used to half imagine / see myself outside myself committing.. Its an odd feeling and scary.. I also became very numb to it after a while.. as far as I remember.. I am glad you are here. There are many people here who are very supportive.. I think though might be good see about if can see a professional as well if you are not. Some will have to sign safety contracts and if you do they wont refer you to the hospital.. But it also means u have to stick to those. They can also help you find different ways to manage it.
  3. throwaway1234

    throwaway1234 Member

    I do see someone. I see a lot of someones. Before I was admitted I just had my psychiatrist who I'd talk to every couple of weeks. After my ENOURMOUS anxiety attack and hospitalization, I've been scheduled to see now a psychiatrist, a social worker and now a therapist.

    And the kind of kick in the nuts is that I actually work at a hospital, so sending me to the psych ward is just a phone call and admission paperwork away. So I feel, reluctant in a sense, to fully disclose everything.

    It's been a year since I started seeing someone and it was initially only for social anxiety. But it since has blown up into me having Social Anxiety, OCD and severe Depression with suicidal thoughts.

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