Prolonged depression, suicidal, wanting to know if it can get better.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by acuteandfunnybear, Apr 18, 2012.

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  1. So over the past two years I've all but lost the ability to enjoy positive emotions, to concentrate on complex tasks and hold any goals I'd care about. The past two weeks I've been contemplating suicide and have decided to go through with it. Wanted to do it in early May but I guess it would be best to wait until mid-June or so as it would be better for my brother to finish his finals first and in the mean time I can search for something that would convince me I can actually get better. Any ideas what that would be? I know seeing a psychologist is one thing and I'm gonna do it but given that I don't really have any money all I can hope to get in this time is maybe 2 free consultations.

    Background:
    21 yo, male, engineering student, depressed with ups and downs for most of my life, near complete loss of the ability to feel pleasure or situate myself in the world in the past two years.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes hun many have beaten depression with therapy with medication or both talking to someone definetly help I am glad you are reaching out here for support hun lots of caring people here that understand hugs
     
  3. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    This is so true but does take time to and if youve been struggling for a while without help it will take time to reinvent yourself but is beatable and my advice little steps at a time dont try push too much but just find little achievements each day to accomplish even a simple little walk just to clear your head.
     
  4. Thomas33

    Thomas33 Member

    Bear, i've only been dealing with it for 7 months now, before that I was a completly different person, happy strong and confident but it took 1 thing to mess me up. Since then its felt like i've been an empty shell, the things that made me laugh out loud hardly even break a smile. Anger is now my tool to deal with things rather than rational thinking.
    I have a lot of faith in what Spidy has said because apart from wanting to be gone every day, and believe me, im so close to doing it, i've made letters and everything but a little part of me is telling me that whatever happened, as much as it was FUBAR, I still have a choice of become someone different and putting all that behind me, and so do you, it will take a lot of changes, yes and we still have to live with the sh-t that has made us like this but think back before the depression got a grip of you, if your past self could meet you right now, what would he say?
    I'd give myself a kick in the nuts and tell myself to get over it.

    If it was only that simple ......

    But we can do it.
     
  5. slam

    slam Member

    thomas33, your words resonate with my case....

    I was proud, confident, independent....now I'm withered, pretty much homeless, and afraid to leave a room, let alone go outside, I loathe sunshine, and welcome night
     
  6. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Yes, I've been battling depression my entire life. What I've done within the last two years is started seeing a psychiatrist (who can provide medication or scripts for medication) seen a therapist, started attending some group meetings for people with depression, and got involved with this forum. The change came slowly, and it took the psychiatrist a few tries to find what meds worked for me. As I changed, I started becoming more of a person other people could find interesting, and spend time with. I've made some friends. That marked a major turnaround for me. Having people around for support helped me more than I imagined. The meds, counseling, here, group meetings with other people with the same disease of impression were major in doing that, but a few months ago, I was wondering whether I really wanted to live through the day. I'm not perfectly happy, probably never will be, but today I rolled out from bed to find a couple of emails from new friends, and to tell the truth, I'm kind of looking forward to see what the day brings,

    Maybe your school has a mental health assistance center you could use. NAMI may be able to guide you to some resources.(National Alliance on Mental Illness), there's a link above.

    And stick around here, please. We care. Many of us have a similar background, so we can relate,

    6 months ago, I very nearly died from a suicide attempt. When I saw the devastation of my family and friends, I felt really surprised, but also remorseful beyond words that I was responsible for their anguish. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if I succeded

    We know how to listen

    You're important
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2012
  7. Aside from childhood, I haven't had a time when I wasn't depressed and there's no phrase, delivered by anyone, that could be 'man up' enough. I see my mind having deteriorated to the point where I'm incapable of living a real life. I've tried to make a change since I was 13, never really made even the slightest difference. Now I'm at a point where the part of me that is able to feel anything positive is gone, and has been for a while. I'm at a point where having hope or realizing goals or even having the energy for anything other than simple tasks seems strange. It's not that life is unbearable, it's just that I can't care. That's what I want to change and, to be honest, I wouldn't even go back to living as the person I was 3 years ago (back when I wasn't as rotten).

    EDIT: In response to Thomas.
     
  8. Not American so the resource doesn't apply. I have emailed my uni's psychologist but it looks like she's backed up for a month and I'd really only get one chance to explain myself because of queues.

    Your POV makes me more convinced that it isn't even worth trying. I wouldn't want to rely on the constant help of others just to function--even asking for basic help is humiliating enough for me. All I want is to be able to feel something positive and be able to focus for longer than a few days so I could help myself, but the more I look back to my life, which has for the past 8 years revolved around trying to make my mind work for me and not against me, the more I come to see that my brain is rotten beyond repair. Maybe chemical intervention is the only thing that would accomplish that :/
     
  9. Thomas33

    Thomas33 Member

    The thing is though Bear, I start my counselling soon. The NHS isnt that great but all i have to warn you about is the meds. My thoughts wernt as bad until i went on them but i didnt say anything. months down the line and now its all i think about which is why the dr is changing them. what they will do though is change the way u see things, it sounds strange but its true.
    All i can say is that im not a strong enough character to deal with these thoughts in a short time, u have been so unbelievably strong for all these years copeing with everything - seriously - u can do this, ok with some help but u can. Bear, i need these thoughts to keep me going, last that one more day and i hope one day you will start thinking like this too.
    p.s for some reason i sat googleing my ex for an hour and when i found her i sank again and wrote a note to her explaining my death but then i threw it.
    So i know im not cured but every little bit of help....helps.
     
  10. That's not terribly encouraging. I think I'd be too tired to live being 'just okay'. I haven't been strong, I've lived a meaningless life with little few joys and little hope. Now I've all but lost both of them. Brain FUBAR, I think.
     
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi there -..........THERE IS HOPE, Bear, believe me there is hope out there for you waiting to be discovered. I've had to learn how to make my mind my best friend, rather than my adversary telling me lies. It is a journey, and a therapy, but it IS available. Vision is what is called for, and.... it is exciting... although 'trepidatious' perhaps as our minds are likely to tell us it won't work..... but that's a lie!!

    Goggle 'Misbelief Therapy'

    Love and blessings to you
     
  12. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Just fine is close to getting better ive lived a totally f/u life for 26+ years but thats beside the point help starts with you too you need too reach out and accept it plus look into your own self it all takes time you cant expect instant fix wont happen.Step by step and baby steps there will be ups and will be downs and that is also part of life.I still have to cope with real bad days but try and focus on different things and must admit taken me years to cope and some days nothing more than curl up and give in but end of day aint going to get me any where i still need heaps of therapy but i know it helps i cant do anything about my lows and big highs i just got to learn how to cope with them and yes it makes life sucky but hey its also teaching me new things about who i am and making me stronger to fight the shit.
     
  13. But that just sounds like life support. I've lived like that through my adolescence, becoming a burden on others with all the shame that comes with it just to end up living a meandering life with an unsure hope that maybe it gets better isn't all that appealing. It's not like I'm too afraid of death either (did a practice run, hanging, barely stopped myself from passing out, wasn't all that scared), I just thought that maybe there is a way to fix myself so that I could trust myself and feel deeper emotions, even if just on good days.

    I've posted this on a couple of forums now, pretty discouraged. I'll call the hotline tomorrow, maybe get some info on how to get a free consultation. I probably won't do anything until I've talked to a professional, but I'm not very optimistic.

    Thanks for the feedback though.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2012
  14. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Yeah it might seem like that i just let it get too far so yes find it harder was like you at one time didnt want help didnt see the point if i couldnt see any hope or future but then i figured ive survived this long why give up why not let this really bring the strength out in me.I thought killling myself was a good answer but that was my weak side yet that weak side can have very strong irrational emotions.I m glad you are going to ring somebody that is a good start and i do wish all the best for you also you have reached out here so i can see you are willing to fight.
     
  15. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Yep - we are composite - made up of many parts. Inwardly speaking..... That is why there is always hope.... "The light continues on in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out" Hold onto that light and refuse the lies!
     
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