Pseudocide...

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Depressed in SF

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#1
I've started considering pseudocide...AKA faking my own death. Either that or just disappearing to a place far, far away where no one will know me.

I'm convinced that I'm destined to become homeless and destitute. I would not, however, want that fate to befall my wife. Therefore, my "plan" would be as follows:

- Withdraw enough cash to live for a month or two
- Leave all remaining assets to my wife in a notarized will
- Abandon all social media accounts
- Dispose of phone and laptop
- Travel to another country
- Set up shop and be homeless until my life, mercifully, ends

I suppose the hardest part about such a plan (for me, anyway) would be missing my wife, wondering about her and thinking/knowing that I had devastated her via my actions. These are the same reasons that prevent me from committing actual suicide as well.

Anyway, I figured this anonymous, suicide-themed forum would be a good place to talk about this. Have any of you considered (or even tried) doing this?
 

Butterfly

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#2
I think it's a really bad idea that will devastate your wife. You also have to consider that if there's no proof of death the insurance companies may not pay out.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#3
I think it's a really bad idea that will devastate your wife. You also have to consider that if there's no proof of death the insurance companies may not pay out.
I don't have any life insurance, so that shouldn't be an issue. Everything she'd receive would be in the form of old 401K's and shares of stock, which are fine and legal to leave to your spouse in a will.

You're right about the devastation I'd leave behind though. Its the main reason I continue to live each day.
 

Butterfly

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#4
I would still have thought they'd need proof of death though?? I'm not entirely sure though.

I've lost many people to suicide. One in my family and a few friends. It really is heartbreaking and the fact it would be suicide is even harder.
 

LonelyHiker

Incidental aka FairWeather™
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#5
I've had fantasies about shedding all my ties to my current life, creating a new identity and moving to a remote area out west, but faking suicide was never part of that plan. I have a young child, and would never abandon him, and certainly not in that fashion.

I don't think you should abandon your spouse either. I think you owe it to yourself (and to her) to keep fighting the good fight.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
I suppose the hardest part about such a plan (for me, anyway) would be missing my wife, wondering about her and thinking/knowing that I had devastated her via my actions.
This is why it's a bad idea from your side of it. If you regretted doing it, how could you even reconnect, knowing the devastation you had left behind? Imagine her rage at you for deliberately putting her through all that.
 

Witty_Sarcasm

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#8
I've thought about doing that in the past, but more along the lines of being a hermit in the woods, or living in a cave or something. if I was a millionaire, I thought about even traveling to another planet, haha. But then I thought "I don't really have any survival skills" so I realized it was a bad idea. And I'm sure your wife wouldn't want to lose you.
 

dandelion s

RAW, well done
SF Supporter
#9
I've started considering pseudocide...AKA faking my own death. Either that or just disappearing to a place far, far away where no one will know me.

I'm convinced that I'm destined to become homeless and destitute. I would not, however, want that fate to befall my wife. Therefore, my "plan" would be as follows:

- Withdraw enough cash to live for a month or two
- Leave all remaining assets to my wife in a notarized will
- Abandon all social media accounts
- Dispose of phone and laptop
- Travel to another country
- Set up shop and be homeless until my life, mercifully, ends

I suppose the hardest part about such a plan (for me, anyway) would be missing my wife, wondering about her and thinking/knowing that I had devastated her via my actions. These are the same reasons that prevent me from committing actual suicide as well.

Anyway, I figured this anonymous, suicide-themed forum would be a good place to talk about this. Have any of you considered (or even tried) doing this?
i love writing. and i’ve found lots of unusual thoughts occur to me which i have turned into stories. one i titled ‘smoldering’ and it is about a man who finds himself run away from his wife and kids and homeless on top of a smoldering junk heap. i live in new york and i’ve considered making that story my reality. i’d get on a freight train like in the movies and open cans of baked beans with a screw driver or something and cook it right in the can over a little camp fire i made in a train yard and that would be my dinner. then of course i’d end up in that junk yard etc etc etc. i’ve gone as far as finding appropriate trains going to “nowhere” and verifying the fares to a bit further than i’d actually go. but i think just the story in my mind is as far as i really want to go even if staying around is not top on my list. suicide is definitely out of the question. *sighs*.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
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#10
I’m sad to hear that you are quite certain that homelessness lies ahead of you. That would be a daunting thought for most of us to consider.

We actually cannot predict the future with much certainty. I wouldn’t want to hasten my way to homelessness and hurt someone in the process - especially someone I care about the way you care about your wife. (If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t even consider that you’d wonder how she was later on.)

I might be wrong, but I wonder if you feel overwhelmed by issues in your life, perhaps the responsibility of taking care of yourself and your wife/marriage, employment/lack of work, financial worries, any of the daily stuff that is annoying, tiresome, worrying, stressful...or perhaps a combination of these things...so that “escape” sounds, on the surface, like a way out of your emotions.

I don’t think your plan is practical (hurting your wife; you might not be able to just leave your assets to her; you might be found out she’d lose out then, too, and so on...). And even if you succeeded in “running,” I think you love your wife, so in the end, wondering how she’s doing would be the tip of the iceberg of your feelings. I imagine you might face the gamut of sadness, worry, curiosity, guilt, and grief. I think a person’s feelings might become even more roiled by running than by facing life head on.

Maybe the most practical and considerate thing to do for you (and your wife) is to figure out how to live a good life.

We might not be able to have our perfect dream-come-true life, but we can usually improve on the current situation to a significant degree, and as we move onward, keep building from there.

I really hope you feel better soon. I hope you keep us updated. Please stay safe. *hug
 

Walker

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#11
I have read about this in the past and I think the concerning part for me was that the other party has to wait a long time in the absence of a body to get anything (insurance, retirement plans, bank accounts etc) and that if they find you later then it's fraud and you go to prison. Prison wasn't really what I was striving for here and I imagine it's not for you either.
Added to the fact that most of us are trying to keep our loved ones from feeling the pain of our loss in their life (as opposed to not just the loss from suicide, which is devastating in itself) it just wasn't worth it, in my opinion. I feel like your thoughts are common though --- wanting to start over, even if the circumstances suck or put you in a bad place. A lot of people here feel like they would like to "pause", "restart", "disappear", etc - the words are different but the meaning is the same.
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#12
Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.

The reason this idea appeals to me is because I believe that my mental health issues will continue to drag me (and by extension, my wife) down until we have nothing left and my light has completely burned out. I feel it dimming more and more each day and I don't want her to experience this gradual decline. Perhaps if I died now she'd still have a shot at a happy next chapter in life.

As far as the actual faking of death goes, I hear (for the right price) death certificates and cremains can be obtained in the Philippines. "Guy has nervous breakdown, flies to Manila for a drug binge, gets into car accident."

I'd be leaving my wife my actual assets: bank account, 401K, stocks...NOT a life insurance policy. (which would come with extra levels of scrutiny/investigation)

From there it's probably off to New Zealand or someplace similar...good weather and a world away from the US. (perhaps somewhere without extradition, should my fraud be discovered) Would have to go completely dark, new name, no social media, etc. Just live on the street for my remaining days, a nameless, anonymous beggar, just waiting for the day when his heart finally gives out.

You're probably right Walker, I imagine this is the sort of fantasy people have when they want to kill themselves but are too scared to go through with it. It's probably right up there with "I wish I had a terminal disease...that way I could still die but it wouldn't be my fault."

Not sure what makes me think I'd have the guts to do this, the same way I don't have it in me to kms. A man can dream though...
 

mfor

Some people belong backstage.
#15
This'll be harsh, but that is stupid on so many levels, you'd need a double variable to count them.
What you are planning is to just run away from... something, and let yourself die, forsaking everyone that cares about you. You KNOW how she would feel. Have you ever wondered why that's the case? Yet you still feel that strong of an urge to abandon her in return for some... dream final vacation? Even you know that you would end up missing her. You have some attachment to your life, and you would leave it in regret, whether slowly or quickly. You would also go out in the most intense self-hatred and regret that you can ever imagine.
Turn the chessboard around, and think of one simple thing: How would you feel if your wife did that to you? How would you react to her? And what would you tell her afterwards if you could? What would you do it you cared about her so much, that just the idea of her undergoing depression or suicidal tendencies mangled you on the inside, as you tried to assist her, only to have her suddenly pull some getaway stunt on you? You wouldn't even be able to hate her properly. 'Why didn't she talk to me?' would be words you'd tell yourself to the end of your life. Maybe you should do the same. Maybe, if you feel like pulling any shenanigans, you're better off, like you mentioned before, thinking of what attachments you have to life, and whether it's worth it to reject them all together with it. You'll eventually die, so there's no need to chase it. Maybe your wife'll be the final thing to go through your head as your brain wishes to not die, but if you choose to go through such a thing yourself, it will be accompanied by a regret you will not be able to bear, and a wish to go back in time and undo that. But by that time, it's too late, y'know.
I'll tell you one final thing off the bat: Your 'plan' won't be successful. It won't be final. You will eventually buckle, and go back like a kid that ran away from home for a few days. Have you thought about having to answer for that? Have you thought about bearing your wife's grudge and resentment, having completely broken her trust? What will remain of you is an even more broken wreck of a human being that was 'not even able to finish the job, and can only hurt those around him'. That is what you'll see every time you look at a mirror. Would you wish such a thing on the people in your life that you care about? If not, then why should you wish it on yourself?
 

dandelion s

RAW, well done
SF Supporter
#16
only to have her suddenly pull some getaway stunt on you? You wouldn't even be able to hate her properly. 'Why didn't she talk to me?' would be words you'd tell yourself to the end of your life.
i would like to add a thought which i know would apply to me and my situation in my similar “run away” scenario, that i have to consider. i don’t know if it applies here to @Depressed in SF , but maybe.

it is a kind of a damned if you do and damned if you dont situation. where a person suffering with mental illness or disorder desperately wants to make that connection with other people. but the disorder is quite intense and other people get very troubled by another’s pain. the sufferer may not knwo if sharing is a beneficial thing.

they say the the disordered one actually pushes other people away but i think that unsaid is that the other people run away as well. people should recognize that being left alone is a devistating thing. but they run thinking that they have to provide the exact answer to the problem or its no good.

but really, just staying around and being with the troubled person can be very soothing and helpful. that’s the “damned if you do”. the “...if you don’t” is if you decide that rather infirnge on another’s security, you just take yourself out of the picture - suicide, fake suicide or living in the wilderness or whatever.

there needs to be open understanding between people that problems are real. but solutions are real too. and that solutions may not be evident but human connection is essential and if that connection is lost anywhere along the way, bad reactions come about that do not help anyone.

i once read a post by a woman who was deciding to leave her boyfriend because he suffered mental illness and she could not handle the “baggage”. obviously he could not handle the “baggage” either but he did not have the luxury of running away from it, so he may very well be prompted to doing the next best thing...

you always here mention of camaraderie and “through thick and thin” or “until death do we part”. i wonder what happens - that when things get tough, the tough run away. we - humans - and probably all life in general - are social. sticking together is what we are all about. so why does anyone feel it necessary to run away? why is there not more effort to stay and be close?
 

Depressed in SF

Well-Known Member
#17
Thank you for your assessment that my plan is "stupid on so many levels, you'd need a double variable to count them" @mfor its both thoughtful and helpful. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this input.

Listen folks...I'm just a guy at the end of his rope (no pun intended) who is so depressed that he wants to die, but just can't bring himself to do it. That's why my head spins out and devises fantasy scenarios like this. As for my wife, I love her so much, but that is kinda part of my reasoning in wanting to "leave" (whether that be via death or otherwise)...she doesn't deserve the residual ramifications of my condition nor does she deserve the depths to which it will likely sink.

I KNOW that if things were reversed, I'd want her to talk to me. To stay. To keep fighting. I'd do whatever it takes to help her. This is probably a conundrum that lots of suicidal married folks deal with. Can't live with em, can't live without em...
 

Butterfly

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#18
Thank you for your assessment that my plan is "stupid on so many levels, you'd need a double variable to count them" @mfor its both thoughtful and helpful. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this input.

Listen folks...I'm just a guy at the end of his rope (no pun intended) who is so depressed that he wants to die, but just can't bring himself to do it. That's why my head spins out and devises fantasy scenarios like this. As for my wife, I love her so much, but that is kinda part of my reasoning in wanting to "leave" (whether that be via death or otherwise)...she doesn't deserve the residual ramifications of my condition nor does she deserve the depths to which it will likely sink.

I KNOW that if things were reversed, I'd want her to talk to me. To stay. To keep fighting. I'd do whatever it takes to help her. This is probably a conundrum that lots of suicidal married folks deal with. Can't live with em, can't live without em...
You need to tell her. Telling her and being honest about the way you feel may cause her hurt and upset. Not gonna lie it might. But that will only be temporary until you figure something out. Losing her husband will be forever and that hurt and pain will NEVER go away.

I can see you're desperate and hurting. But you can't do this to your wife xx
 

mfor

Some people belong backstage.
#19
I KNOW that if things were reversed, I'd want her to talk to me. To stay. To keep fighting. I'd do whatever it takes to help her.
And who would this be for? For her? Or for you? Or for both? Her wishes are similar. She wishes the best for you, and would similarly miss you. That is what a relationship of love between two people means, a mesh of altruism and selfishness.
However, just helping is not enough. Like you said, you'd want her to keep fighting. Meaning, she would, and you do, need to keep fighting. You need to take an initiative. Try to find out what is putting you on that state. If you can't ascertain it, or just can't avoid it, get therapy. Like you would consider suggesting to her. There is only so much you can do on your own and only so much she can help you with. You need a doctor if you have a broken bone. You need therapy if you have a broken mind. Relish your time with her as much as you can, because I can tell you this, you will rue the day you ever threw it away.
 
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