Psychological & life advice sought.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SomeoneSomething, Apr 19, 2014.

  1. This is going to be a hell of a long post.

    First I want to thank this forum in general for helping me get past a really bad spot about a year ago. I've been suicidal off and on so many times that I thought I was past it, but when enough things just keep happening one after another it can break down just about anyone eventually. Anyways, I'm past that and the brief post I made here and few people I chatted with in the chatroom really helped.

    But my life is still a complete wreck and, while it's a long shot, I thought someone here might have insightful input. I'll try to break this into sections for easier reading.

    I Hate the Human Race More Than Anyone You'll Ever Meet

    If you read these next few paragraphs please read further, because this part makes me sound a lot more violent than I really am. I don't really feel like having the police show up because someone misinterpreted me.

    I've come to hate them so much that I want nothing more than to see them all suffer. Their suffering brings me so much pleasure. When I hear about someone getting raped or killed on the news it brings joy to my heart. I love serial killers and mass murderers because they do the dirty work for me. I don't have to deal with the ethical implications or repercussions of going out and hurting people myself, but I love seeing the pathological monsters hurting each other. Watching them destroy themselves is such complete bliss to me. Now let me be clear here, I AM NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS MYSELF. The reason I love seeing others do such things though, the reason things like 9/11 or the Boston Marathon bombing or the Iraq War warm me up inside now is that other people get hurt specifically without my being involved.

    It has gotten so bad that I haven't been able to think straight for years. I've even developed some kind of weird OCD/anxiety/PTSD/whatever thing where I'm constantly shouting angry stuff beyond my control. Before I even consciously realize it I'll find myself screaming in anger, shouting obscenities or cringing in some painful memory. Phrases that seem to have become common are things like, "Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me," or "Let them die let them die let them die let them die," or just "Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck." Things like that. Or sometimes it's just "NOOOOOOO" at the top of my lungs, before I realize what the hell I'm doing and get myself under control. To be honest, I barely even try to control it anymore because it's become so prevalent that I feel I might as well just let it run it's course. Though this whole aspect has been abating in the past few months, which is good.

    It has gotten so much better because I've finally managed to cut the humans out of my life almost completely. I no longer feel pain or loneliness from isolation. I realize now that a lot of my previous problems were caused my being forced into extreme, prolonged isolation while still being shown the happiness of everyone else around me. Ever read the stuff about how bad solitary confinement is, how people go insane and start beating their heads against the concrete walls within as little as too days? No one understands how bad it is, and it's probably even worse when you're still able to watch the scum sucking humans living their happy little lives while destroying everything they touch. But not anymore, not for me. I guess if you suffer through it enough, you eventually break through to the other side, where you just don't need interpersonal contact ever again.

    I basically live as a complete hermit and the worst parts of my life are when I have to be around other people. I used to at least chat with people online, part of why I came here a year ago and needed someone to talk to. Now even that is too much. The occasional hit-and-run post on science or politics just to indulge my intellectualism, but even that seems like too much. You constantly live in fear of knowing that every interaction you try to have with people will be completely pathological and they'll use it to hurt you for no reason except to feed their selfish egos and insecurities, making themselves feel good and a little less powerless by making you feel bad.

    Which brings me to why I've suddenly become able to live in true, perfect, happy isolation without feeling lonely or miserable. I finally figured these creatures out. I transcended them. They use to baffle me, why they hurt each other so much for no conceivable reason whatsoever. I've spent most of my waking life dwelling on why they do the things they do. I'd much rather have been inventing some new technology or making scientific discoveries, but my mind just couldn't let go of it all. It had to figure it out, and finally it did.

    See, watching my own downward spiral allowed me to understand them. Because over time I became exactly like them, as I've described above. I hate them for being so selfish and cruel, yet now I've become selfish and cruel myself. I abhor a logical inconsistency. Then I realized, this is what drives "normal, healthy people" to be so mean and cruel. Their complete selfishness drives them to feel entitled to everything, and since they can never be satisfied with themselves they constantly must compensate for their bloated, fragile egos and twisted emotional frailties by hurting other people. It's the only sense of empowerment they can ever have.

    Me? Before I was forced to walk the tightrope between sanity and psychopathy I used to just want to make the world a better place. Solve global problems, fix poverty, eliminate suffering. I thought our entire purpose on this Earth was to spend our lives making it a better place for future generations. I'd been thinking that since I was a little kid. Hell, it's practically the first real calling I remember in life. "Learn all that is learnable, know all that is knowable," and use it to make the world better for everyone.

    But not these creatures, they have no concept of that. You know what someone said to be once. "Your vision is so big, you think these things are actually possible." Nevermind that what that person was telling me could never happen ended up happening TWO DAYS LATER. I've spent considerable time wondering how simple-mindedness - meaning having a lowly inferior brain that literally cannot hold a more complex model of the world together - leads people to being the sort of horrible monsters that they are. A few things to say on that:

    1) Consider the concept of object permanence, as described in this comic. Now consider the kind of object permanence that we all have. When they want to treat someone a certain way, they can, because they aren't capable of seeing the long-term consequences of their actions. The consequence has to be very, very direct for a simple mind to contemplate it. If someone is making you feel inferior and you can make them go away by hurting them, that's a victory right? Mission accomplished? In the words of one guy, "It accomplished the desired goal." Nevermind the fact that they end up creating enemies who will spend the rest of their natural lives hurting others just to pass on that pain. See, I don't do that shit to people, even now, because I recognize that the long-term consequences aren't conducive to my goals. I want nothing more than to end all this bullshit. It is one of only two reasons that I am still alive, the two reasons I have never killed myself (the other being my pet). But even as much as I hate these creatures, I still keep my mouth shut and don't lash out at them just to get back at them (well, at least not when I'm remotely emotionally stable, a stability I now maintain through extreme isolation). But to a simple mind, once that person is out of their immediate vicinity, it's like they cease to exist. They don't think of it as having just created a weapon and sent it out into the world to breed and multiply, one day to return to them (i.e. the saying "chickens coming home to roost").

    2) Learning a specific fact about the brain helped me to understand their delusional and egomaniacal behavior. You'd think of your brain doing something like: stimulus goes in, goes through some feedforward/feedback network, and gets output as a conscious thought or action. Which is basically true, except the feedback connections are surprisingly so much more numerous than the feedforward connections. This is because, at least under one paradigm of neuroscience, one of the most important functions of your brain is to make predictions. Furthermore, the system for prediction is pretty much the same as the system for taking action. Beyond that, the brain doesn't really have direct access to the outside world, all it sees is patterns of stimuli. It figures it is doing well when it outputs the actions that cause desirable stimuli (again, prediction). I now guess that this is why we so often so people doing things that are completely self-destructive and delusional. With far more connections dedicated to prediction based on previous stimuli than analysis of current stimuli, a brain is more highly rewarded by excluding outside sources of information so that it can continue getting those nice warm sensations of success caused by accepting your predictions. Notice the constant tendency of people to just get mad and walk away as soon as you say something they don't like, such as disagreeing with their religion or political affiliation? They have no strong drive for internal consistency, but a strong drive to continue those pleasing predictive stimuli at the expense of silly things like not being completely wrong. Ok, admittedly this paragraph has been a lot of speculative hypothesis on my part, and I largely formed it while reading On Intelligence by Jeff Hawkins, so it could be incorrect pseudoscience, but it is my working hypothesis at the moment.

    But moving on from those digressions, once you figure the humans out they are so transparent and manipulable. You've watched them take advantage of your every vulnerability for your entire life, but they still fuck it up and leave themselves open to attack too. It amazes me. I expected the sociopaths (read: humans) to be simply smarter than me in this area, something I could never change. I just didn't have a talent for sadistic manipulation and cruelty. But so often I see the same people now occasionally mess up. I wonder, "Why did he just say that? He's leaving himself vulnerable to attack by all the other people just like himself, and they'll be on him like white on rice."

    As an example, to demonstrate the sheer animal-level stupidity of these creatures, consider how they respond to body language. Body language means just about nothing to me. I've looked into it but it just makes no sense. I don't respond to other people's very well because I've spent the vast majority of my life focusing on trying to overcome my animal instincts, and treating someone differently based on how they're standing or if their hand is touching their neck is completely nonsensical. It's some hardwired monkey instinct, the same way babies are automatically scared of spider forms. But any conscious creature realizes this is just some unwanted leftover from our evolutionary past and trains themself to suppress it as much as possible. Testing it out though, people really do respond to it. People treat me completely different based on simple things like holding my head a little higher and puffing out my chest a little. But they also treat me better when I'm mean to them. They're actually nicer to me for being mean, and meaner to me for being nice (women, in particular, are the worst about this, but I've been called a misogynist enough for being brave enough to say so that I know any who are still reading just stopped). I've experimented with how people respond to you more kindly when you treat them like crap fairly extensively (though only with ones who already had a history of doing it to me, so the sample selection was certainly biased), and against all concepts of intelligent behavior, it works.

    Learning all this has made me a lot better off, emotionally I mean. But it comes at the cost of having to realize, and truly understand, that I live in a world of stupid animals. These creatures are not even fit to govern their own lives. They need to be enslaved by a superior creature who can protect them from themselves before they make a few more billion of themselves continue suffering. Or maybe just extincted and replaced by a less pathologically malevolent race of creatures. Or else have some kind of eugenic-type evolutionary selective pressures instituted so that they slowly evolve into something less malignant. That's the sad truth of it all: the only successful solution I've found in my life is to basically resign my humanity, which is in fact a good thing, I only phrase it as the "sad truth" because I'm still partially brainwashed into the lie that humanity isn't a toxic parasite on life itself.

    The Hardest Thing I Ever Did

    ... was to put aside my complete hatred of these worthless monsters and decide I wasn't going to take every single chance I could to make them suffer. When someone's a dick to me now, I don't even worry about it. They're not even on my level. Do you care what a worm crawling through the mud does or thinks? It's worse than that - worms don't really cause a lot of suffering. Do you care what a blood parasite thinks? It's even worse than that, too. Blood parasites cause suffering as a basic necessity of survival. Humans do it for no reason whatsoever except that they're a complete evolutionary mistake, a sort of stable totalitarianism that has engulfed this beautiful planet. They truly are the worst creatures imaginable.

    But you know how I managed it? Because as much as I hate them, I still can't think of anything worse than to be one of them. Only a weak, stupid, selfish, cruel creature tears the wings off flies to make itself feel good. Real people tackle real enemies, who pose real threats. Totalitarian governments, huge criminal organizations, incurable diseases or civilization ending threats. They don't walk around stomping on bugs because that's the only sense of worth and dignity they can ever have in the world. That's what humans do. Have you guessed what the ultimate threat is yet? I'd actually not say humans, they're just the primary cause. I think it's suffering, pain, something closer to that nature. But the vast majority of that doesn't come from nature or the universe. For the most part humans completely conquered the biosphere - almost all the suffering you see in the world is caused by them. Either by them directly, or by their simple minded stupidity in refusing to fix it.

    I refuse to be one of those creatures. I will not let them continue to drag me down to their level. It's exactly what the want, because it validates their actions. Seeing you give in and settle for being just like them makes them feel so good, it's the ultimate victory for them. Still, it isn't easy letting go of your hatred in such a way that you can still maintain it well enough to not forget all that you've learned from it. To not again let them delude you into thinking, "I was just angry when I said all that. It just can't be true. No way." Everyone who made you suffer as an individual gets away with it. They were right as individuals when they thought their would be no consequences, they'd you'd never be able to make them suffer on the same level they made you suffer.

    (oops, we hit the character limit. continued next post.)
  2. The Part I Actually Need Help With

    If I could just completely isolate myself, I mean 100% no human contact beyond the asshole scanning my shit at the register, I think I'd be fine. The anger problems and PTSD/OCD/anxiety disorder/whatever would eventually go away... it's started to already. And eventually these creatures would just become a distant memory that didn't haunt my every waking moment. But I can't do that, because financially I'm still dependent on them. Owing to how fucked up my life has been I'm basically three decades in with nothing to show for it.

    A lot of this is because of my fucked up family. The primary remaining problem is my mother. My father I hardly ever speak too, he's old and will be dead soon (yes it used to make me feel bad to say stuff like that, but not anymore) - he's already just a distant memory I occasionally have to humor. But the mother is far worse. My dad actually beat me as a child and would tell me to quit crying or he was going to get the video camera and tape it so he could show me later what I looked like. He's such a vindictive shit that when my mother divorced him, he drug the court shit out so long that the main part of it lasted 9 years and went through two juries (yes, juries for a divorce trial), and it's still going on nearly three decades later. And I consider him the good one. One of the most selfish and ignorant creatures I've ever known. She's been completely emotionally abusive to me and everyone around her for my entire life. I'm not sure that there's anyone whose life she has made better and not worse. She rules my step-dad with an iron fist. She treats her employees like crap. She is so low intellect that she thinks the entire world is full of Christians and believes in religion because, and I quote, "hundreds of people can't be wrong." That is the kind of maliciously low intellect that has held me under it's fucking thumb for my entire life, and continues to do so. Yet she prides herself as some kind of high intellect and tries to live vicariously through me by constantly telling everyone how smart her son is. At some point, everyone backs down, because no matter how stubborn and obstinate you think you are, she can be a bigger asshole for longer. She can be more verbally abusive with no restraint to a point where I actually envy people who are on death row for having killed their mothers. There was a guy in the newspaper who was 31 and on death row, he killed his mother when he was 17. I envy that guy, because he got free of her and found a happier life to live while waiting to die. Yet she has everything in life. Rich, owns a big company, sits on board meetings, gets awards all time, knows just how to sound nice and play the game in public so that people who just meet her come off thinking she's the most wonderful person in the world. Her crazy fucked up son is just some mentally ill monster who she "does everything for."

    Which is true, in a way. She's kept me totally dependent on her because she's emotionally unstable and constantly tells everyone that I'm "her entire life." I have nothing of my own. No friends, only one girl ever was willing to date me and it later turned out to be because she thought I was as rich as my parents and she wanted to get pregnant so she would own me too. I still remember that bitch mother driving away the first girl I ever brought home just so she wouldn't have any female competition. I live in a place she owns, which I settled for to get out of my shitty ghetto apartment that she was paying for anyways. She's paying a six figure sum of money to finish college, nevermind the fact that she knows it's a complete waste of my life when I already have 400-500 credit hours from various schools I dropped out of. Why did I drop out so many times? The extreme fucking isolation drove me to severe suicidal depression. I don't make friends easily. Would you want to hang out with a guy who wrote posts like this? Hell no, no one wants to see the world as I see it. Nevermind the fact that she and my father specifically shipped me off to isolated places because they were afraid I, being the atypical weirdo that I am, would hurt them and their careers if I got caught smoking weed or something like that. They encouraged me to stay and spend 10 years of my life in these places despite the suicidal depressions I was enduring from complete lack of social contact for weeks and months at a time.

    As long as this post is it just doesn't even begin to cover it all. Here's an example get the point across: I once spent a three year period with only one "friend," a guy who constantly treated me like shit but I put up with it because he was the only person I had. He was at least nice enough to help me get an apartment in his building. Then later he ends up going to jail for 13 years for child pornography and trying to seduce children or something like that. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore. Did he help me get that apartment because he needed someone to frame in case he got caught? Who knows. That's just like one drop in the bucket from my fucked up life. I tell it only to demonstrate just how much I'm still not sharing in all this, not because I'm embarrassed, but because I'm already probably at the 10,000+ word count.

    Maybe I'm Just a Spoiled Little Rich Kid With Mental Health Problems

    I mean I've certainly had enough people call me a victim player and completely delegitimize everything I've been through as being my own damn fault, so I'm aware that 100% of anyone who opened this probably thinks that. So why don't I just man up, stop talking to all the people I hate, and support myself instead of biding my time? For one thing I have insane amounts of trouble getting actual work done because I'm constantly consumed by my hatred of everything alive. I can't get a job because it's become pretty clear that no one will hire me for more than minimum wage, and even then I'll probably get fired quick for an inability to play the game and a complete lack of desire to talk to other people, or communicate with them about the stupid shit their tiny little brains are predicting I must say next or else I'm some mutant monster. As much of my life as I've spent dealing with this stuff, it's severely held back my development too. Sure I know a little bit about almost everything, but I'm so far behind all the people with PhDs and guys who spent most of their lives not being surrounded by completely toxic people trying to hold them back (basically every friend I've ever had - if you aren't as ambitious as someone else but don't want to see them do more than you, just sabotage them as much as you can - especially if you're basically their only friend and they have no other options or places to go).

    The problem isn't even that I need to get away from my mother. I need to use her for whatever resources I can acquire, get those resources and then go ahead with all the world-changing-Elon Musk-save-the-world shit I had planned for my life if it hadn't gotten dragged down into this cesspool of human degeneracy. Though I do worry that this is basically selling my mental health, something that may be more valuable or that I'll be unable to get back. I need to just make all this stop. All these bad thoughts. I need to be productive again - and by "again" I mean for the first time in my life. To not be bothered by things. To be able to focus and repair the damage that's been done to my brain. It's so bad that I can't sleep right, I can't think, I can't get a job, I can barely pass one class without failing the next one, despite already knowing 90% of the material. The worst thing is though how it distracts me from contemplating real problems and advancing myself because my brain just won't quit analyzing and vividly reliving every toxic interaction I've ever had.

    Why I Can Never See a Psychologist Again

    The two answers that all the simple minded Neanderthals always come up with are, "You need to see a psychologist," and, "You need to be on medication." That is a HUGE portion of what has gotten me in this mess in the first place. That bitch mother dragging me to dozens of child psychiatrists, who labeled me as countless things, including borderline, psychotic, oppositional-defiant (the most common apparently), chronic depressive, and ADHD. The ADHD one was the last guy - he said all the previous shit from my childhood was wrong, but it was all completely explained my undiagnosed ADHD. When I expressed a slight degree of skepticism... after all, could it be that I gave answers like, "Yes, I can't concentrate at all," because I had no idea I was taking an ADHD test at the time, but was suicidally depressed about my inability to make straight A's in my physics classes? That might seem too much like perfectionism, but when I applied for internship they basically laughed me out of the office saying that anything less than straight A's were unacceptable. Anyways, Mr. Psychologist, who I think had actually sent me to be IQ tested with plan of saying, "See, you're just not smart enough to do that kind of stuff," was a bit surprised and probably insecure when the report came back putting me at the genius level (I'm not actually even that smart, more just lead a life completely focused on that kind of stuff, and the people who give these tests just have retardedly low standards. Apparently every Mensa member is also a genius, no questions asked). In any case he spent the next hour belittling and ridiculing me, saying things like, "Well, you're in denial, and until you can accept that you have ADHD, nothing will ever change for you?" Keep in mind this guy wasn't even an actual psychologist, just the bitch mother's LCSW, and I made the mistake of putting up with this because I wasn't aware of this status. I mainly have confidence in his motives (the insecurity) because of the oddness of the way he laughed at me when I very humbly said I'd consider it all before. It was like he was laughing at his successful manipulation of the superior intellect. Not to mention that when I actually did try taking ADHD medication, mainly just to see if it would enhance my performance, it /extremely/ exacerbated my OCD/PTSD stuff. But hey, I guess they'd just want to shovel a few more meds down my throat for that, and then a few more for whatever problems those caused, too!

    No, I will not see another one. Along with friends and family those monsters have done as much damage to me as anyone else. Why would I listen to the opinions of a mere human anyways? I don't respect them, they're incapable of understanding the things I know and the world as I've experienced it. Remember the "simple mind" stuff? Think of how long this post has been, and how much I've said I've had to leave out. Now imagine trying to explain it all to someone verbally in a few one hour sessions. Someone you have every reason not to trust, who is in a position to immediately lock you up and have you force medicated if they want to claim they think you're dangerous (this has happened to more than one person I knew, people who were most definitely not violent or suicidal), who is going to project every easy answer onto you they can before finally just giving up. And you know what happens when they give up? They don't want to just say, "Sorry, I'm not qualified for this shit." No, that would make them look like they aren't good at their jobs. So they treat you like the guy above, they ridicule you and make it so damaging to you that you leave on your own. Then it's your fault, you're just some in-denial victim-playing loser who refused to listen to the advance of the knowledgeable PhD.

    Not going down that road again. I've made way, way more progress in all my issues through rigorous self-analysis. Admittedly maybe I didn't put much of the self-analysis stuff into this post, it was certainly more focused on the external world and the problems it has caused me, not my own failures to overcome them on my own. But that stuff is definitely there, and it's why I'm even remotely sane today.

    But I will crowdsource opinions from the internet, as hopeless and futile as I expect that to be. If there's anyone out there who has any deep insight into this, or has been through it all before, I'd love to hear what worked for you, or how you got out.
  3. Ugh, apparently I wrote all this yesterday when I had barely slept since Wednesday or Thursday. Having like... gone to bed and gotten some rest since then I kind of look at it now like... wtf man.

    So I have no idea what compelled me to randomly come back and here type all that, but feel free to disregard. Mostly true, but still written by someone who was borderline hallucinating from lack of sleep. Apologies if I went too far.
  4. BlueSky

    BlueSky Member

    That is definitely a lot to respond to... I'll just tell you what I think and you can choose to ignore it if you want...
    When someone is hurt by other people in their lives (be it a mother, father, sibling, a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.), they start to believe that all people are bad and that every person wants to hurt them. I can assure you that it isn't true. Trust me, I used to think that people just weren't worth the effort. My opinion was that they were mean and they only care about themselves. However, I've come to realize that these people in my life don't reflect everyone. There are people out there who will be a true friend - they will accept you for who you are and they will not betray you. I've also realized that once you find the right people (they may be difficult to find, but they are definitely out there), it is so much better than being alone and isolated.
    Also, if you are in a bad situation, it is very important to get out of it. Save up your money, make a plan, and when the time comes, take off and never look back. Life may seem bad now, but it will get better. Sometimes, though, you have to do something yourself to make it better.
    And about getting through emotional abuse - when people say things about you, it can be almost impossible to ignore it. I know you can't just plug your ears and ignore what they say because it really hurts. What I do is instead of just trying to block it out, I think of ways to prove them wrong. A common insult is that someone is "worthless". If they tell you that, think of all the things you've accomplished. Maybe you did something big like graduate from college, got a good job, etc. Maybe you did something really small, like help someone if they dropped something. No matter what you've done in life, chances are you have done something worthwhile for someone in the world (and maybe that someone is you). Even if you haven't done something ridiculously amazing yet, if you have a dream or ambition of some kind, that makes you a person with the best part of your life yet to come. Every single person is worth something in their own way.
    Sorry about my long rant - I hope at least something was helpful. And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Just know that someone cares.
  5. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Well - first of all - welcome back to here.

    Your posts make for interesting reading - and while not all will agree (on this particular site it's not advisable to promote harm to another being) - it is your perspective on a range of things. And I'm not completely surprised that someone has the perspective that you do.

    3 decades into your life? I'm almost at that 30 mark myself (this year no less).

    To put a blunt spin on it (ok, a direct, as you put it "simple-minded" approach) - the worst species on this planet is the human race for it's overall self-entitled approach. Ok, while a fair number of people have issues with what they have experienced to the point of suicidal ideation (myself included), that doesn't take away the fact that we used to hunt for food to survive - killing other species in the process, now we have the likes of the WWF (wildlife) - the RSPCA in the UK (animals) - Greenpeace - for prevention of destruction that as a species we believe we are entitled to do.

    I may not understand everything you have said from the angle you have said it - but I can see why you would have this perception from what you have written. Emotionally abusive mother and physically abusive father - that pairing has played a significant role within how you've ended up at that perception - but as it is within everyone's right to have their own perception - it is not something that can be considered "wrong" (although as I mentioned at the start - it is possible for people to disagree - where I would suggest that it is merely a difference of perception).

    I would like to point out that I do not see you as a spoiled little rich kid with MH issues. If you were truly spoilt - you'd have everything your own way all the time, and be more likely to emotionally abuse your mother rather than be the other way around. However - one statement did stick out for me to suggest you would do something like that.

    Is that necessarily what you would do? Treat her in exactly the same way she treats you? Which would undoubtedly make you no more than an equal. Using her for resources instead of working upwards from minimum wage roles, is being selfish and cruel (which you have admitted you have become). And to have the audacity to treat minimum wage roles with contempt - that is one thing I have a knowingly different perspective on - I would rather work for minimum wage and learn to support myself over struggling to find work. Thinking about what others do - is of no concern to me. I go to work - I, for the most part, get along with the people I work with - but I will rarely be seen out and about with them because I do not see them as potential friends when they treat the workplace differently to me.

    I do find it slightly disconcerting that you seem to believe that people may have "tiny brains" because you have gone down the "intellect" route. I find it compelling at the same time. There seems to be a lot of misconceived ideas that people have "no intellect/simple-minds" - purely because they have a different balance between what they learn intellectually, what they do socially, what they have for an environment etc. Is it not an idea that while you seem to have a top-heavy learned intellect and virtually non-existent social/environment based view - that others may just have more social intellect but less "learned" intellect?

    Just a couple of ideas - but in some of what you've said - I can see why it's developed that way. Has it truly hampered your development? Not necessarily. You've just developed a thirst for knowledge rather than a thirst for social interaction.
  6. Thanks for the response. Was starting to figure I'd freaked everyone out so bad no one would reply. I'll try and keep this one a lot shorter.

    Isolation/people - The thing is that it's not just the people I've been surrounded by, it's everyone I meet. It's like I can't even have a 5 second conversation with someone without them using it as a chance to try and shit on me. If there are decent people out there, who don't get off on hurting other people, I'd guess it's like a 1:100 or 1:1000 ratio. I can't just keep wading through hundreds of these pathological people just hoping that one day I'll meet one or two good ones. Think of how much pain that causes before you find them. Statistically speaking, I should have met some by now, but here I am with no friends whatsoever. Just the history of past experiences I've been through is enough to turn off people who are probably somewhat close to healthy. It takes almost nothing to make people qualify you as a weirdo, like here's a conversation I had about 1 year ago (one of the last times I interacted with someone in-person):

    ... guy seems to like me, is trying to talk to me ...
    Him: "So, are you married?"
    Me: <slightly laughing> "No... I don't really date."
    ... guy just looks away and gets this annoyed look on his face ...
    Me (trying to continue the conversation and now feeling awkward): "Too many bad experiences."
    ... guy just continues looking away, never says another word to me ...

    That's basically why I can't interact with normal people. I try, and I try to be nice. Guy asks me a question, I give him an honest answer. I don't fly off the handle, "Women are horrible and I'm never dating again!!" I just try to calmly explain my position, but he already starts to hate me just for being slightly different from him. It's the simple-mindedness thing, he just hates anyone who represents something he doesn't understand.

    Sorry this is getting long again, but my point is that I can't have relationships ever again, even just casual acquaintanceships. I can't suffer through hundreds of people and have them add to all the pain they've caused me just hoping to one day get lucky and meet one person.

    All I really need is just for the anger issues to go away. I basically just failed out of another college again tonight (or at least I'm going to have to withdraw from a while). I was taking a midterm and doing very well, then about 45 minutes in I just got so angry I couldn't even read the questions. I kept telling myself, "Come on man, be strong, don't pussy out. There's thousands of dollars at stake here, all you have to do is suppress it long enough to finish this damn test." But I couldn't, I finally just stormed off and didn't even turn in the test (it was online). I used to smoke weed CONSTANTLY and that at least subdued these anger problems, but I had to stop that because health + money + other reasons. I keep vividly reliving all these horrible memories, and getting so angry I can't even function.

    I heard on NPR (national public radio) about a study they did on rats: they would give a rat in a cage electric shocks for no reason whatsoever at random times. They were painful. The stress it caused would cause the rat to have a higher chance of developing health problems later on. The control group rats just got the shock, while the other group of rats would get the shock, but would have another rat in a neighboring cage that they could run to and bite afterwards. They found that the rats that were able to take their anger out on someone else by biting another rat had lower stress and developed fewer health problems later on. So basically, it's like there's an evolutionary incentive to need to hurt other people after someone has hurt you.

    But I can't do that obviously, I'll go to jail if I run out and just go stab a few hundred people to death to feel satisfied. God knows I fucking want to. I feel like the rat in the control group, someone who's basically been tortured for most of his life and has never been able to take it out on other people (well, I'm sure I did a few times).

    So without resorting to more colossal drug abuse, or resorting to violence that will basically force me to commit suicide afterwards, I really don't know what to do about it. If only they had drugs or some other form of treatment that kept you from feeling angry, but didn't negatively interfere with your cognitive functioning (which you might have noticed is very important to me).
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I would suggest that even though "weed" may have relaxed you from the anger issues - it was only a mask to the true anger and hatred that you feel within. And like any other drug - be it pharmaceutical or recreational - it has an impact on the mind.

    And whilst we continue to have this discussion via this particular thread - there is potential for a casual online acquaintance relationship to build between two people. Of which you are one - and it may not go in the way you suspect it might.

    I will reply to this thread with more context within the next 48-72 hours - but such is the time that I have to head out to work.
  8. Oh gosh, I definitely gave the wrong impression with some of that. I don't have any contempt for minimum wage jobs, in fact I think I'm probably one of the least judgmental people I've met. Most of the jobs I've ever worked were that stuff - pizza delivery, warehouses, gas stations, etc. I've never had anything above that, and I certainly don't look down on people for doing that sort of stuff. I more meant that it's kind of a waste of my time when I could be doing a lot more, or at least I think I could. I had all these ideas for stuff that I felt would be actually important to the world, but I can never finish any of it because a) anger problems, described above, and b) no collaborators (it's hard to build huge things by yourself, even if you more or less know how). I just hate to get forced into working at another gas station when I should be doing something that would save thousands of lives or preventing mass extinctions or something.

    Also I used to not look down on people for being lower intelligence. Honestly I was never very confident in my intelligence, I used to assume I was basically average and everyone else was about the same. It's been gradually becoming more and more obvious that I underestimated myself, though. The part where I look down on them and consider them stupid is that I think it's what causes them to hurt other people so much, to waste their lives and not try and fix any of the problems in the world. When I try and explain things to people they feel insecure and ridicule me instead (just trust me on this one, I've gave them the benefit of the doubt for so long..). That's why I always say "simple-mindedness" instead of "stupidity." Because it's fine to not know how to solve some random math problem, but it's not fine to go around treating people like crap because you're insecure about the fact that they want to learn to be able to solve that math problem.

    I mean I've studied enough stuff to know that I'm not the smartest guy in the world. I love math and science but I'm not that good at it, my natural abilities are more verbal and such. I'm terrible at calculations and I only speak my native language. I can't play any musical instruments. Heck, just look at all the typos in these posts. And I'm constantly exposed to people a LOT smarter than me just by hanging out on websites like Quora or Coursera or Hacker News or some such. I don't see why I make people so insecure, but when I was in my first college I started lying to people about my major (physics) because they'd immediately go, "Ohh, you must be smart" and then proceed to try and take me down a notch. I wasn't going around bragging about it, just answering the damn question "What's your major." Judging from some of the closer friends I've had, who nonetheless treated me the exact same way, it seems like they're angry that I'm able to do stuff they think they were just denied the chance to ever do because of the genetic lottery. But that's so not true. I was TERRIBLE at math as a kid. I used to lock myself in the closet in 4th grade because I couldn't understand the problems. In 5th grade they did a thing where they gave us some equation, and the teacher called out numbers, and we had to raise our hands when the number matched our equation. I was the only one who couldn't do it, so I just sat there and waited until no one else had said anything for a long time, then I knew it must be my number. But I just kept working at it and now I know all kinds of advanced math stuff - calculus, PDEs, abstract algebra, tensor analysis, all kinds of crap. There's a great quote from a speech by Richard Hamming:

    But other people don't want to put in the work, so instead they shit on you and sabotage you and make you miserable, so you end up holding yourself back because your only friends treat you like crap unless you dumb yourself down to their level. That's why I've come to hate people of lower intelligence. I don't hate the stupidity itself, I hate that it causes them to ruin the lives of others. I mean hell, I might have gone on to actually make the world a better place, but these fucking people kind of destroyed my life. I wonder how many diseases would have been cured, how much less poverty their might be because of a more advanced economy, and that kind of stuff, if they weren't doing all that. They're causing real damage here.

    Honestly I'm not sure what to say to this right now. I'll have to think about it more.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2014
  9. BlueSky

    BlueSky Member

    Well first of all, something you need to learn is to not let other people affect how you live your life. From what I've gotten, you "dumb yourself down" for other people, but that only hurts you. What other people think shouldn't matter, especially if you're extremely intelligent. That is something to be proud of, not something to hide. Also, when you focus on what other people say to you, it can make you frustrated and angry that you can't please them. I think that contributes to the problems with anger that you have. Another thing you should look into is ways to release your anger. As proved by the slightly disturbing study with the rats, people need a way to express their anger. That is completely natural. However, wanting to harm someone else to release that anger is not healthy and definitely not safe. There are numerous ways to release stress/anger. You can exercise more, you can try relaxing activities, etc. There are tons of things you can do that don't involve drugs or harming others.
  10. You're right about the weed. I don't even know for sure that it's connected, but it seems odd that I stopped smoking approx. a week ago and am suddenly having a worse time of the anger now. Sometimes it's hard to tell what the real problem is. I partially wonder if it's the isolation too, meaning that *I think* I like it but it's actually causing part of the anger. At least when I was buying weed I saw that guy every once in a while, even if I had basically the same opinion about him as everyone else.

    Honestly I doubt I want friends anymore though, even if you guys were great. It's just too much to keep up with, as I said in my intro thread post, my friendships never work out in the long run. Maybe its a day, or a month, or a year, but they eventually end in disaster. Plus it's kind of a distraction from useful work. I used to waste a ton of time on forums and chatrooms, way way too much time. I at least get more work done now, when I'm not completely filled with anger.

    I don't dumb myself down anymore, I realized that was happening a long time ago. I do think it did a lot of damage to me. I still keep my mouth shut frequently when someone asks a question I know the answer to, or if someone brings something up in conversation where I could go off on a tangent about it. But for the most part I've realized what I was doing and stopped.

    Taking it out in other ways might work. I have a punching bag that I need to get set up again. I'm not sure if that will really help. It could even make things worse - used to do martial arts and I found it seemed to make me more aggressive over time... I didn't like it (the aggression). I think all the exercise and hanging out with aggressive jocks upped my testosterone levels, but that's just a guess. I'll probably try something like that, maybe even just keeping some wood or old furniture around that I can smash or something if it's bothering me. I hadn't remembered the rat study before tonight, so hadn't intentionally tried it. But thinking back on it, breaking shit has usually made me feel better.

    I doubt it's a final solution, but thanks for the good idea.
  11. BlueSky

    BlueSky Member

    About dumbing yourself down and not saying something when you could... I used to do the exact same thing, and I still sometimes do. It's something you have to work on constantly.
    Also, if you feel like you really need it, they have classes for anger if you just don't know what to do anymore. The punching bag is probably good, but breaking things is still sort of a violent habit that you wouldn't want to get into. I suggested trying activities that are calming and help with making the anger go away for more than a short time. It seems like breaking things is only a temporary fix.
  12. Honestly, having thought more about it, I think the best solution is just to cut all these people out of my life 100%. Disown my family and never talk to anyone else that I used to know ever again, and avoid meeting new people as much as possible. I actually sort of told one of them last night how I felt about her and that I didn't want to talk to her again for a long time, and honestly I feel great about it. It's like this huge fucking weight off my shoulders. But today I tried to have a convo on the phone with my mother, and it didn't even get more than 4 sentences in before she started raising her voice and I just hung up on her. Clearly this'll never work any other way.

    Gonna be hard though. Won't have health or dental insurance anymore, probably won't be able to stay where I'm living, will have to get some job stocking shelves or something (if I can even manage that with the PTSD/OCD stuff that's developed). Will have to give them back my car. They may even try and take me to court or something just to be vindictive (because that's how both my parents are, and they do that to each other). Worse yet, getting a job may require me to be around more people, which just brings more toxic people into my life. Oh well, other people manage it with considerably less talent for it than I probably have. And at least it'll probably force me to get my shit together in other ways and stop being so lazy.

    Anyways, I guess that's about it unless something else comes up. Thanks for all the help though BlueSky, you've been great.
  13. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    At least you have the support of this site (albeit depending upon your frequency) - and of myself and BlueSky for we have posted with replies to your thread this time round with you being back here. Hope some of what we say helps some.

    Everything when new seems hard - but over a period of time it can become manageable. I wouldn't necessarily completely rule out the likes of health or dental insurance as that can be pivotal (especially if in a low-paid job and there's a requirement for hospitalization pending severity of an accident which is not impossible) to whether that just adds to your rage or makes you feel better/worse.
  14. Wait, I'm not sure I follow. Health and dental insurance is pivotal to my rage?

    Honestly I don't know what will happen, because I'm not even totally sure what's causing it. Isolation, or lack of isolation, or memories, or it's just the way I am and it can't be changed... But yeah, I am going to try this I think, and see what happens.