I'm still traumatized over this shit. A couple of you may remember me talking some crazy shit earlier this year. Well, I did have a pretty severe episode of psychosis, but I also practiced black magick and that was when it all started. I was hearing and seeing some fucked up shit for months on end. I guess I'll begin where it first started...my ex's house, where I would practice my magick. I performed a love spell that he gave me permission to do - one of the "rules" about love spells in pagan/wiccan practice is that the other person gives you permission to do it. And he did. I used all kinds of things - herbs, candles, crystals, tarot cards. Then I started getting this weird feeling of heat rising within me when I would meditate. It was so strange. I didn't even know what to think of it - I just knew it was different from what I was used to and I thought it was kind of cool. Then I performed spells to open my third eye and meditated on that a lot. Then strange shit started happening in the house. A shelf that was nailed to the wall somehow fell...twice. The first time, I figured there was just a lot of shit piled on top of it, but the second time I made sure there was practically no weight on it, and somehow it happened again. My ex was talking about some kind of evil spirit that he kept seeing and it freaked him out so much that didn't even want to talk about it. Then it just kind of happened out of nowhere. I started hearing something talking to me. It kept happening and I didn't know what to make of it. It was answering my fucking thoughts almost every time. I don't even know what really happened that night, but apparently I blacked out, heard voices saying, "I'm a divine being", and then "I'm the devil". And it was nighttime and I dont remember this part but apparently I locked my ex out of the house when he went outside to get something from his car. Only reason I know that is because he told me. Then I remember I was like, "Wait, why am I alone in the house? Where did he go?" And I started hearing, "This is your hell, you'll be alone in here forever" and I'm deathly afraid of abandonment so you can imagine how much that scared the shit out of me. The house is completely dark, no sign of life inside or outside the house, my ex was missing, I was literally fucking alone in a dark house. I didn't remember locking that door on him. So naturally, I freaked the fuck out. He got back in the house at some point - used a credit card to get the door open. I never knew how he got back in. To me, it just looked like he all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere. So now I'm even more freaked out. I convinced myself that I may have actually been in hell. The next morning, I was still hearing it talking to me, trying to tell me I'm already dead and I was going to hell. So at this point, I'm severely delusional. I took my ex's gun, had no idea whether it was loaded or not, and shot it just to see if I was still alive or not. Luckily, it wasn't loaded. Fucked up, I know. It only got worse from there. My ex and I broke up because I was fucking panicking, hearing him say shit he probably wasn't saying, seeing shit that probably wasn't there, hearing something evil talking to me. It was completely fucked up. Like I said, I don't even know the half of it I'm sure because I was definitely feeling like I was blacking out, losing my memory.
It only got worse when I came to my mother's. I performed some kind of revenge spell because I was out of my fucking mind at this point. I don't even really know why I did it. That was the first time I practiced actual black magick. I started feeling something evil in the house. I very well may have been schizophrenic, but I know what I felt. Whatever was in that fucking room with me felt extremely angry. And it would affect me to the point that I would go from 0 to 100 if I didnt keep my emotions in check. If I even felt the slightest hint of irritability I was liable to fly off the handle and become violent at that point. And I'm not a violent person. I don't just become violent out of nowhere. But I did. I started talking to something that was pure evil and then started seeing horrible shit. Like, evil, demonic visions....pretty much all day long. I saw blood, gore, torture, demonic red eyes, hooded figured, shadows...just all kinds of crazy shit, meanwhile still feeling this evil presence in my room. I highly doubt ALL of what I saw and heard was psychosis after what I did. It took going to church, where I didn't feel it following me and didn't hear it talking to me, and repentance for what I did, to finally make it go away. I prayed and read Psalm 93 every day for months. I stopped all the magick and got rid of the candles, crystals, cards, all that bullshit. All I know is how angry that thing felt...that shit was real, it was no joke. Just pure evil. I'll always remember that. Still traumatizes me to this day...you can probably imagine why.
This is the first time I actually described all this in that much detail to anyone.
It only got worse when I came to my mother's. I performed some kind of revenge spell because I was out of my fucking mind at this point. I don't even really know why I did it. That was the first time I practiced actual black magick. I started feeling something evil in the house. I very well may have been schizophrenic, but I know what I felt. Whatever was in that fucking room with me felt extremely angry. And it would affect me to the point that I would go from 0 to 100 if I didnt keep my emotions in check. If I even felt the slightest hint of irritability I was liable to fly off the handle and become violent at that point. And I'm not a violent person. I don't just become violent out of nowhere. But I did. I started talking to something that was pure evil and then started seeing horrible shit. Like, evil, demonic visions....pretty much all day long. I saw blood, gore, torture, demonic red eyes, hooded figured, shadows...just all kinds of crazy shit, meanwhile still feeling this evil presence in my room. I highly doubt ALL of what I saw and heard was psychosis after what I did. It took going to church, where I didn't feel it following me and didn't hear it talking to me, and repentance for what I did, to finally make it go away. I prayed and read Psalm 93 every day for months. I stopped all the magick and got rid of the candles, crystals, cards, all that bullshit. All I know is how angry that thing felt...that shit was real, it was no joke. Just pure evil. I'll always remember that. Still traumatizes me to this day...you can probably imagine why.
This is the first time I actually described all this in that much detail to anyone.
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