Psychotic and Thinking of ending it all

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by galalleni, Apr 5, 2008.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy all,

    Layed down on the train tracks last night - freight train is supposed to come through here at 3am; it never showed up (very strange, as it's been regular for the past several months). Feeling kinda trapped and powerless. Have uncontrollable laughing and crying episodes - keep it all well hidden from my dorm mates though - started talking to a bunch of people, no one else seems to know them though (not sure if it's just me, but they are real people - I can interact with them). Not happy, just feel like I'm losing my mind. Didn't get back to the dorm until 6am, which was extremely difficult considering I downed several fifths of hard alcohol (Whiskey and Vodka) - still feeling a bit drunk. Tonight I'm not sure what I'm going to do - maybe just drown myself in the alcohol and sadness and see where I end up.
  2. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    :hug: I know where you are coming from with the pyschosis. I suffer from that as well though it is voices not so much images. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me or add me to MSN. Please take care of yourself, sweetie. :hug:
  3. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    Hi, I really can understand your situation. I have crying and laughing fits, for no apparent reason. I also have voices and people that nobody can see...
    Good luck, try to seek professional help...
  4. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Things are really unclear to me right now - not sure whats happening - feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. Told my counselor things were 'A ok' - just answered all the questions with my usual terse-ness (told her I was not currently suicidal - feel my mind was directing this - stop anything/anyone from stopping me). She told me I should have a degree in psychology for all that I've been through.

    I am too directed now - I know what must happen - this time I know I will not fail (my plan is sure fire, no way to fail). In May, I will be facing financial ruin and my dreams will be gone - there will be no other option (hate seeing it now and being so powerless - I just know I'm going to do it, have the date set and all the preperations have been made).

    I see reality for what it is - people everywhere seem to see the world with some kind of perverse sick sense of things - hear about the latest suicide/homicide on the news and brush it off like it means nothing to anybody (people live only for themselves, not the world or anyone else).

    I lit myself on fire when I was younger - no one came and put me out - I started rolling on the ground as a natural reaction and ended up putting myself out - then I took the bus home with burnt skin in burnt clothing (didn't even go to the hospital over that one. Sometimes I ask myself - why should I commit suicide when it's the rest of the world that's so f**ked up (I can't destroy the world though, not powerful/resourceful enough).

    God I am so lonely and tired - I've heard myself say everything 100 different times in 100 different ways - it must stop; there is no end to the perversity and deranged voices I hear and the things I see.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I wish I had been there. I would not have turned away, and I would have helped. How awful to read that nobody came to your aid, or even asked themselves why this kid had burnt clothes and skin. I could just cry reading about that, and I know you've been through so much more.

    There's no way around it, we can see all around us that many people are shallow and self-centered. But there are always some who aren't -- the artists, the poets, the playwrights, the dreamers. Those are *your* people. We can look at the pain and sorrow around us, and within us, and write, draw, and scream about it. The trick is to to not be consumed by the horrors we see all around us.

    The semester may be a write-off, and with it go some of your plans and dreams for the future. Sometimes these endings can be new beginnings. Can you pick up and go somewhere? Somewhere where you can both heal as well as rest for a while? Have you travelled overseas? I'm thinking of you getting a new start, where nobody knows you. Somewhere outside of the USA where you could do volunteer work in exchange for room and board.

    This probably seems far fetched, when you have only enough energy to just survive each hour, each minute, even each second. But the world is so much larger than you are experiencing right now.

    Please consider options other than suicide. The world needs more caring people like you.

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