PT 2 Relationships

Discussion in 'Strategies for Success' started by Lorax, Oct 30, 2014.

  1. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    To be clear, this isn't just about romantic relationships. I'm talking more about general tips on how to handle, and thrive with socializing. I've been in a few kinds of relationships, some good, some i choose not to remember. And in two cases, i've had to face death of very close people.

    I'm a bit of an odd case in this field, due to a certain 'thing' but here's how I handle the crazy world of other people.

    1) Determine if you are introverted (shy, reserved, prefer alone time) or extroverted (social, love crowds, hate being alone) they both have ups & downs, but everyone falls more towards one end.

    2) Talk to new people. No idea what to say? Start with hi. Ask non intrusive questions. It's important you can at least respond to strangers, particularly in a work setting.

    3) Body language. It's a subconscious mess of small signals. Some of us are very poor at reading it, but you can learn basic cues. Read, ask friends to help practice, be observant.

    One strategy is to 'mirror' people. Pay close attention to hands/ feet/ eyes. Just copy what the other person does. In crowds, copy the most confident looking person in the room. Avoid crossing your arms or legs, it's a sub conscious "$$$$ off"

    4) Be loud, but don't yell. I'm very quiet, i have sensitive hearing. So I talk slightly above my 'comfort zone' of hearing my own voice. If you're very loud, talk a few octaves above if you were whispering right to someone's ear.

    5) Be overly kind, unless someone tries to abuse that. If someone is sad, talk with them. If they are mad, make them laugh. Give small little gifts, or thank you cards 'just because' it's just the right thing to do, plus it opens the gate for return favors.

    Some people will abuse that. If people start demanding things, or blaming you for their issues, that's no good. Be stern, and tell them what exactly they said/ did to upset you. Don't be rude about it, just clearly write or say it. They probably didn't realize. If they stop the issue, resume being kind. If not, cut them out of your life.

    6) Learn to be an 'emotional 3rd party' mainly useful if you have relationship issues.

    Are you always fighting with your friend, or partner? Try to clearly state your issue, listen to theirs, and think about it as if they were the issues of a friend & their partner. Your suggestions are naturally more neutral, and beneficial for both people.

    If it's "the heat of the moment" just stop talking for a few minutes. Leave the room, turn off your phone, go for a walk. Don't say anything you'll regret.

    7) Emotional understanding. Some people are great at picking up on how other people feel, others lack the ability. Others can pick up on it, but not make a personal connection.

    For the first, I'll assume you're sympathetic ( able to acknowledge their feelings) and to some extent empathetic ( able to personally understand their feelings) you are in the main segment of the population :D

    Use your ability to pick up on feelings, and try to use it to help others feel better. Avoid getting too caught up in other peoples negative emotions, and know how much you can or can't help by your self. It should be pretty natural.

    The second group. You may have a disorder which makes it hard to pick up on other's emotions. Therapy is probably most helpful, but you can try to practice. Try guessing friends emotions, and see if you're right. Try to study cues, such as body language. It's not all bad, you have a great capacity to let people vent. Of course you shouldn't be used, but you can offer that, and just be open about how you feel. It can be an asset in career building too.

    Third group. I tend to fall more here my self. It may be a sign of a disorder. You have a mixed bag here, being able to understand other's feelings, but not really associate it personally can be an easy way to get close to people.

    You don't have as much tendency to say/ do something impulsive, and you can probably help people through hard times easier (not getting caught in their feelings) but it can be problematic if you abuse that. It's easy to get power hungry, or start using people. Particularly if you have other traits, like not feeling emotions about your actions towards others. That's an extreme though.

    The best course is to learn to 'match' or 'counter' emotions. It comes naturally with social experience. If you notice someone is happy, then act happy. If they are sad, find the emotion that will counter that and act that way. You can choose to talk about it, or just keep it to your self.

    8) Be assertive. Not Insertive!! If you want something, or if something bothers you, say so. It's better than just silently letting your desire build up.

    This is true from asking for a loan, asking for a ride to the store, up to telling someone you want to date them. If you stay quiet, the answer will never come.

    9) Be confident. You don't actually need confidence in any area to 'look the part' wear clean clothes, wash your hair, shave, brush those chomps. Don't dress too classy, but don't wear torn up painting clothes.

    You can still look like you're top dog, even if you don't have very nice clothes, or you have to pay with change. Keep your back straight, walk quickly but not like you're running, look past people, don't look at the floor. Hands out of those pockets! Be more loud / make eye contact if you have to talk to people. If you're outside, sunglasses ( never indoors) act like you're the head of a business.
    If you pay with change/ ones, just pull it out of your back pocket, like you just want to get rid of it. Bigger bills go folded in your shirt pocket or wallet.

    Wow, that's longer than i planned. Take away: look confident, know your social skills, and work at improving your personal strengths more than covering your weaknesses. Granted you should do both.
     
  2. sweetles

    sweetles Well-Known Member

    Really good, really thorough. Thanks.