Ptsd—-wake only to wait for the day to end

[Hopeiseverything]

My life with ptsd the last 3 years has come down to waking up only to wait for the day to end. This feeling only changes when I take a benzo. So, I plan on doing thred things.....1. Telling my dr that benzos are the only thing that get me through the day ... will not mention the suicide aspect of it unless I am asked and even then I will advise that I do not have a plan as I do not and realistically cannot imagine doing it, 2. will tell her that as I am 62 with a life limiting disease, I don’t care if I become addicted to benzos if they give me quality years, and 3. I made sort of a ‘deal’ with Jesus (I returned to church yesterday)...told him that if he is not going to help me get better then please somehow, someway Just take me now. Though I have to say that I really do not want to go as I adore my family but this mental illness stuff is grueling. If you cannot have quality of life, then what kind of life is there?
Trauma destroys ..... had someone told me five years ago that I would writing this. I would have told them that they were insane....I had it all,
Thank you all for listening.

 

[BlueGreen]

Just wanted to say hugs @Hatingmyselfdaily I hope somehow things will get better for you.

 

[Hopeiseverything]

Just wanted to say hugs @Hatingmyselfdaily I hope somehow things will get better for you.

Thank you....not counting on it, but thank you. Just cannot take my own life because of what it would do to my family...but boy it is difficult. Hope you are well.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

I am sorry you are struggling so much each day. Have you had any therapy/counselling for the PTSD symptoms?

 

[Hopeiseverything]

I am sorry you are struggling so much each day. Have you had any therapy/counselling for the PTSD symptoms?

Yes...so far it has done nothing...going to try emdr

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Yes...so far it has done nothing...going to try emdr

I've found EMDR to be helpful. I hope it helps you

 

[Hopeiseverything]

I've found EMDR to be helpful. I hope it helps you

Really....can you tell me more....I carry lots of guilt about past actions due to the trauma.

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/

For me I would focus on a particular aspect of a memory and then hold a buzzer in each hand. The buzzer would take turns going off, which is bilateral stimulation. This would get repeated until it was less distressing.

 

[EllieMay]

Hi I just read your post and it really resonated with me because I am 61 and can relate to what you wrote. Just hanging on by a thread and not wanting to leave my family but wondering how long I can hold on in this mental hell. Please contact me if you need to. I am here..Ellie xx

 

[Angie74]

I've asked God to take me too, but that doesn't seem to be his plan. Jesus was supposedly like us in many ways, but I'm quite positive he never suffered from mental illness.

 

[EllieMay]

I've asked God to take me too, but that doesn't seem to be his plan. Jesus was supposedly like us in many ways, but I'm quite positive he never suffered from mental illness.

I know Angie, I keep trying but every day I wonder how to keep going with the pain inside, I feel truly dead inside for a long time now...kind of losing hope that my mental state will ever be ok xx

 

[Angie74]

I wish I could feel "dead" inside. No offense to you. But if I was dead inside, I wouldn't feel the pain.

 

[EllieMay]

I wish I could feel "dead" inside. No offense to you. But if I was dead inside, I wouldn't feel the pain.

I realise I have described it incorrectly, I am in loads of pain so not sure why I said that. Its a horrible place to be isn't it?

 

[Angie74]

Yes, it is horrible. You explained it fine.

 

[EllieMay]

Yes, it is horrible. You explained it fine.

I have tried so hard for years but it never seems to heal. It really helps to share so thank you. I am sorry you are going through it too x

 

[Hopeiseverything]

I have tried so hard for years but it never seems to heal. It really helps to share so thank you. I am sorry you are going through it too x

I am in the same boat....have tried for 3 years...but trauma has taken over. I have done mean things to people after what was done to me. I want to ‘live’ just not like this. unless there is a pill out there that prevents suicide, I am doomed to live half of a life. It is tough faking it every day....it is exhausting.

 

[EllieMay]

I am in the same boat....have tried for 3 years...but trauma has taken over. I have done mean things to people after what was done to me. I want to ‘live’ just not like this. unless there is a pill out there that prevents suicide, I am doomed to live half of a life. It is tough faking it every day....it is exhausting.

I feel for you. Every day is fear based no matter what I try to do or achieve. I am just greateful for the lovely people on here who experience it and understand. The fearful thoughts are constant, I relate to you about trauma and living half a life. I am here if you need to chat and thinking of you x

 

[Hopeiseverything]

I feel for you. Every day is fear based no matter what I try to do or achieve. I am just greateful for the lovely people on here who experience it and understand. The fearful thoughts are constant, I relate to you about trauma and living half a life. I am here if you need to chat and thinking of you x

Feel free to contact me any time. Would love to know more how you are surviving the nightmare.

 

[EllieMay]

Feel free to contact me any time. Would love to know more how you are surviving the nightmare.

Thank you so much. I have ocd and clean to cope with the fear, dread and thoughts. Its a coping tool I have always had and I write lists for everything. It does not take the painful feelings away just takes the edge off slightly. How are you feeling today? It's so tough isn't it? I dread everything right now x

 

[Hopeiseverything]

Thank you so much. I have ocd and clean to cope with the fear, dread and thoughts. Its a coping tool I have always had and I write lists for everything. It does not take the painful feelings away just takes the edge off slightly. How are you feeling today? It's so tough isn't it? I dread everything right now x

I have ocd, ptsd, anxiety and depression. I had a perfectly normal life until trauma at age 59. I then did things that I cannot forgive myself for. Have tried multiple meds....nothing has done much. I am in therapy. If not for my husband, children and soon to be grandchild, I would not be here...though I fear death and going to hell..Life is a living hell yet I go to work and put on a big smile...it’s exhausting,.
Do you take medication.