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Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by where were you, Oct 21, 2009.

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  1. where were you

    where were you New Member & Antiquities Friend

    I started going to the sexual assault center again (this is the 3rd time I've tried to go but its too hard and I keep being unable to cope) but its so hard because of my lifelong history of abuse ever since I was a little girl my whole life. We're on our 3rd session and we haven't even gotten 1/2 way through the intake becaise of all I've been through.

    Its making it hard to cope. Because of the neck injury I got from an abusive relationship combined with the lower back injury I got from an Aquaintence rape (they think it was GHB), and the combination of those and some other injuries have made it so that I will be in pain for the rest of my life. I have to remember the abuse every time I turn my head because of the reminder of pain, and I was on a cane for 4 years following the rape. My family threatened me not to press charges but they abandonded me anyway so I don't really feel like I have anything to lose at this point.

    The thing is the pain gets so severe and out of control I've had blackouts and even a seizure, it's gotten so severe I've dryheaved in long 12-14 hour sessions causing a hiatial hernia so I get acid reflux and espohegeal ulcers. I had my throat crushed and often food stays in my esophagus rather than going into my somach and I choke and foam at the mouth, I don't like eating out. I've been old my pain will never go away and can only be managed, and is going to just get worse. From the abuse, I have osteoarthritic "bony lipping" growing inside my neck vertobrae and the shards will move intwards my spinal column and it will be a very painful torture. My family and friends have abandonded me because they don't understand because I don't look like I have a disability from the outside, but on an xray I'm a mess. My doctor has given me a big enough perscription so that when it's time I can part from here. I think thatis horrible though, I want proper euthanasia so there can be a team right there to harvest my skin for burn victims and my eyes for someone and so on.

    It's an odd thing sort of being given permission (without saying so much) to die, but it's empowering in a way. The thing is I don't want to die without having had the experience of knowing what its like to be loved first. My parents didn't want me, they made that clear my entire life. There was no extended family. I lost my virginity very young to the fist guy who told me he loved me because it didn't occur to me that someone would ever say that as a lie, it was never said in our house. So I've never had any kind of touch that was ever intimate without being sexual.

    I've never been cuddled and I never got any kind of consolation behaviors following trauma since my family was so harsh and cold. I was punished if I ever cried so I an pretty stoic and depressed most of the time from bottling so much up. It makes me have terrible anxiety attacks so if I'm in a situation where someone starts acting nice like that to me I get terribly afraid and have to start moving. The psychologists suggest that probably means I was sexually assaulted in my formative years.

    I just don't even know, like how do you even get into a situation where you are just cuddling and so on and there's touch but it's not all centered around foreplay. I think that just starting to go through my whole life history of this became overwhelming, the hour was up and we hadn't even gotten 1/2 way through my life, and we were supposed to do a PTSD assessment today and we didn't even get close.

    But I want to get on to the therapy. I've been getting lots of sleep paralysis nightmares with the rapist and so I'm afraid to sleep again...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you have a therapist next time tell Therapist you want to move on you need to talk Try just being open on what your feeling your Therapist will work with you and without you knowing it is working on you daily about your trauma. I am happy you are getting some help
  3. where were you

    where were you New Member & Antiquities Friend

    Unfortunately she can't without having all the paperwork in place.
  4. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    God that sounds so horrific. So you can't have an operation? Does morphine help?

    God I'm so sorry...

    It's always darkest before the dawn. One day you'll be okay, don't worry, I know life is really ugly, there's nothing wrong with wanting to die in that situation no matter what idiots say, God that makes me cry. ._.

    Here's a song ^__^


    Alt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xT-ZH3vW9UQ

    Soul asylum - Runaway train
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    As hard as it is, keep after the assessment process. I hate the assessment process but it's one of those things where I tell myself, "Just do it." I often go in without combing my hair and in the clothes I wore yesterday.

    Keep posting here. You have a lot to work through and posting will help you through a lot. We'll give you feedback and let you know you are not alone in your suffering. We all have suffered in varying degrees, yet we all ended up carrying the pain inside of ourselves. As with some members here, you have the additional physical pain as well.

    I have physical pain not from the abuse process but it struck me at a time in my life when I was finally emerging from a lot of what I had suffered. Now, I have a lot of skills, good meds for despression, and pain to keep me from doing a lot of things. I don't like it but I have been learning new things to do to replace what I cannot do.

    I'm glad you came here. Keep coming back, post and read other's posts.

  6. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    I want to apologise for saying 'idiots'. I try to empathise too much, and get irritable sometimes.
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