Punching myself.. Is it self harm? (possibly triggering)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by NathalieAndrews, Dec 3, 2010.

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  1. I had this thing, I did, for a while. When I felt I was unfair or caused trouble or distress with my siblings (we spend a lot of social time together when I am home in the week-ends, I`m 24 and they are 20/19) I used to whip myself over the thighs. Just to get some minor bruising, because I felt that after I had caused myself some pain, and punished myself for whatever emotional disturbance I had caused, then I didn`t have to feel bad afterwards and we could just continue to enjoy the evening, without me brooding or closing up emotionally. See, it wasn`t really that the troubles I caused with my stupid moods were that big, but after a problem, an argument, I just couldn`t get it out of my system. If I said something I shouldn`t have, or reacted too harshly to something, they`d just get over it, and I`d sit there and feel bad about it for hours afterwards, coloring everything and just making it uncomfortable for everyone. Instead, I took some alone time, whipped myself, felt the pain, and then be able to just snap out of it. I didn`t see it as a problem, because it didn`t happen that often. I was just sick and tired of being the moody problematic big sister who`d make a fuss over everything.

    After the summer, it`s escalated a little, because now, if I get very angry or overwhelmed with panic or anxiety, I`ll do the thigh thing, but I`ll also punch myself in the face. Like yesterday, I managed to mix up dates and therefore missed the psychologist appointment I had finally gotten, after having waited for a couple of months. I have no idea how I did it, but I did, idiot me. I just sat there, staring at the note with the date on, realized that I had missed the appointment. I wanted to cry, call someone, but I just felt completely numb. Then I got angry, really angry, and instead of being able to cry or shout, I just had to stop it, so I punched myself in the face a couple of times before I let the rest of the frustration out on my thighs. I couldn`t really do as much as I wanted, because my roommate was home.

    Today, I ate out with my sister, we took a trip to the cinema, and then she hinted that she wanted to come home with me and play some video games. I needed some alone time, and told her that, but she kept pushing. Then she jumped on her bus home, and I went home, feeling guilty and angry at myself for ruining the evening. It wouldn`t have cost me much to just spend some hours extra with her, and the only reason why I just wanted to go home alone was because I needed a smoke (a habit I am hiding from her) and some quiet time. So, I come home, feel angry, guilty and upset, and start smacking myself over the face with the miniature frying pan. Stupid, right? When that didn`t help, I punched myself in the face again. It`s twice now, in two days, and I can`t keep this up because there`s a limit to how many times my face can look like crap before the excuse that I fell down the stairs won`t cover it anymore. And both my thighs look too bad, they need some healing time. So now I am stressing like crap, because I`m out of usable body parts. My arms can`t be used, because they are visible. Wish I could use the same logic to my face, but it`s the more violent option and the one that calms me down the most.

    So, I might have a problem. But up until now, I didn`t consider it as such. Now I`m just angry I didn`t do a better job of it, because it`s stopped hurting and I am not ready for that yet. I wanted it to hurt longer this time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Ya it is self harm of course You anger needs to be taken care of. Go to anger management course and learn how to let that anger out in a more safe way okay. Take care of you
  3. That would be the smart thing to do. But the problem with my brain, or my mind, or my disorder or whatever you would call it, doesn`t want me to be smart. Right now, when I`m angry, I don`t want to be smart at all, because I am smart with so much. I fix my economical problems, I go home when I should, I always remember to call my mother and ask her about how she`s doing. I remember most of my appointments and I am doing all the smart and responsible things. But I want to hurt right now. Because if I don`t my chest might implode. Sadness, I can deal with. Depression, fine, I have my anti depressant, I can sing and cry and all that crap. But I can`t cry away the frustration and the anger.
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