Punching Myself Numb

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Damage Inc., Feb 12, 2012.

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  1. Damage Inc.

    Damage Inc. Banned Member

    Hey everyone,

    I have a bit of an issue with this self-harming as well:

    Ever since my girl left me, quite a while ago by now, but since more recently went with some other guy, I've started getting thoughts about that.
    About her, with some other guy, me not having her, her not wanting me, her wanting someone else, and it actually being true, which is currently still unbelievable to me.

    Anyway, when I lay in bed, for example, it could be when I'm up, I get these thoughts and it just eats away at me.
    Especially when I'm in bed, because then it's quiet, I'm alone, I'm in a place where me and her have been extremely intimate and close...
    So just the thought of her being in bed with some other guy, perhaps at that very moment, drives me absolutely insane, because of the emotional pain.
    The first while I would just cry a lot, punch the bed and scream into my pillow, or just scream away without caring if anyone would hear me.
    It would help a little, it would tire me out to not having the energy to think about it anymore or to cry or whatever.

    But after a while, this was not enough anymore. I started hating myself for certain things I did, but also the fact that this whole situation I'm in just had to happen.
    I've never resorted to cutting or anything like that, it freaks me out and it would probably leave quite a mess, and although I've threatened myself to do it, I never could.
    The feelings I get... are some that make me want to be gone, that make me want to escape my own body, tear this container open and set my soul free from feelings... or something like that...
    So I started to punch myself, punching and slapping my head and face, to try and get these thoughts out of my head, trying to destroy the fact in my head of her being in someone's arms.
    Basically, if I knew how to do a lobotomy, I would almost do it, but I don't and I can't so I resorted to stomping myself numb.
    The worst thing is, it's addicting, it helps, it makes me focus on the physical risk and pain, so I keep going, because it really puts my mind off emotional thoughts.
    I got to the point where my teeth are looser and my jaw now hurts when I open my mouth a bit far. I think I cracked it somewhere.
    On top of that, I also started pulling and scratching my face when I just lose it because of thoughts about this girl I had been with for quite some time.
    I just grip my face-skin and try to pull it off my skull, that's really the goal at that moment, but I'm surprised how strong it is.
    The most I got was some wounds from my nails and purple and blue areas. Which made my face sore and swollen for days.

    This I basically have to do every time I go to sleep. Lately I go to sleep when I'm dead-tired, because I don't care about a rhythm or schedule or anything anymore.
    And it also helps because I fall asleep quicker, rather than thinking about certain things for a long time.
    But when I do think about stuff, and I usually do, I start to just punch myself as hard as I can.
    I cry because of emotional feelings, I hurt myself, then I cry from a mix of physical pain and the fact that I resorted to this and the fact I am unhappy again.
    This goes on until I'm exhausted and I can finally fall asleep and be at rest, unless I dream about her in a bad way, then it's restless and I wake up in shock.
    Ironically, when I dream about her in a positive way, I wake up to the reality that she is gone and with someone else, it's an emotional punch in the stomach and slap in the face.
    But then I actually start doing it physically, because the first minutes after waking up, I process everything that's going on in my life and it's terrible.
    Once I'm done, I kind of "hardened", but with tears behind my eyes, a sad face and a hunched posture, dragging myself out of bed and just go do stuff to keep my mind off it.
    Not that I can always keep my mind off it, I think about it by default all day long. So I just do whatever to keep myself busy and from falling apart.

    But anyway... That's what I do and I'm kind of addicted to it because it actually helps...
    This might sound like I'm encouraging this, but I'm not... I just... I'm just really sad... about this...
    I mean, to think where I was many months ago, I was getting kissed and caressed by the sweetest girl, I was in Heaven basically.
    Now I go through this Hell because I have to hurt myself to get thoughts of her out of my mind and not hurt on the inside.
    Because she turned her back on me and doesn't want to be close to me anymore.
    Just typing that doesn't make any sense and it drives me crazy.

    I thought I was finally saved...
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 12, 2012
  2. Degenerate Escapist

    Degenerate Escapist Well-Known Member

    I really suggest therapy if you can manage to do that for yourself.

    If you still love her you should let her go and make her own choices, and if she's happy, be happy for her. Cherish what you had with her, learn from it, and realize that it's over.

    I've been through the same possessive, jealous, disgusting, tormenting thoughts that you just can't seem to break away from, but you really need to separate yourself from her. Turn the pages, get rid of her things, get rid of everything that reminds you of her. If she doesn't want to be with you, be angry, call her a bitch. You don't need someone like that who's not going to be there for you.

    As close as it may have seemed, there will be other people who will be just as amazing. You might find one other person, or there could be a bunch that you will fall for, and they will all break your heart once again, but the thing is to get up and keep trying in hopes of meeting that one person who is just right.

    Try not to idolize them like gods, they're just people who do stupid things and make plenty of mistakes like all of us. There's no such thing as perfect.

    Once again, cherish the good times and learn from your experiences, and try not to dwell in these little pitfalls that happen.

    Take care of yourself even if you think you're through. Tomorrow will always come, be ready for it. Take a step or two in the right direction in order to better yourself: Get out of bed, eat, clean up, shower, step outside, make plans. Small things like that.

    As for your self harm, I know it's addicting, but it gets better as you do. If you really want to see this through, try to limit the damage. It's great that you aren't cutting. Scars are such a bitch. If you can't hide them, you have to come up with an explanation and that's never fun. =(

    I hope at least some of this helped, I don't think I'm that great with advice or even writing things out..
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2012
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