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pure agony

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at this moment im not even sure i cant get this out right, every once of me is screaming for help, pushing against the walls of my heart wishing to escape this life but i cant. I cant even do it right, ive tried and tried again and yet in still here but in more agony than ever thought possible. im so over whelmed i dunno what to do, so many things i wish to tell people but i cant, i cant let it go. first its mom and now grammie seeing her go thru this makes me so sick inside, im losing my second mother, i cant cope with this again i knwo cant...im not even over mom and i never will be...and bob and carole at the barn with his illness...and the loss of caroles mom - i dunno what to say to her. I cant fix it, i dunno what to say to ake things better. and with abby and her dad, she comes to me for help but i have no answers, i never had a dad i dunno what shes going thru i dunno that love or that hate. All this plus what i have been feeling the past few months, ive stopped coping in a "good" way, the tears are back, the nightmares and flashbacks, the pain, the self harm its worse than it ever was. Last nite was the worst its been in so long, i took anything i could find to harm with i just didnt care, tonite im trying so hard to hold my tears back but im failing...i wait for teh fam to go to bed then teh flood gates will open and i dunno what will happen, i know im gonna try again...maybe not to die but im gonna harm and i dunno if anyone can stop me


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hey Broken Child, i truly understand a degree of how u are feeling, i too lost or looked at losing many close to me including OH and father..in fact lost 3 of them within 12 weeks of each other and then another 2 shortly after. your mind goes crazy as you try and process what the hell is happening...and i am not saying i am anywhere near dealing with it all...i disassociate a lot and time just suddenly seems to have flown by. not sure i can give you anything constructive to help, but maybe if you know that others are going thru similar or same it will give you a little bit of energy to get thru the day. are you seeing a therapist, or on meds...maybe that will help keep you grounded enough to deal with things. you are not alone with the way you feel and its quite normal giving what you have gone through, i dont care what others want from me anymore, you have to do what is right for you to get thru each day. hold on..keep your head up and breathe! :hugtackles:


Well-Known Member
I guess the love we have for someone is measured in the pain we feel when they are gone.

Thing to bear in mind is that those people we are parted from did love us. Their wishes are still very real even though they are not here with us to hold us and listen. Usually they are people who saw the good in us even when we could not.

I guess its a kind of wake up call to make sure you are on good terms with your loved ones. Its the hardest part of life knowing that we will lose loved ones.

Time is precious.

My regards and prayers for those bereaved.
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