Purge, I need to purge.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by JaneDoe1795, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. JaneDoe1795

    JaneDoe1795 Member

    I need to purge my thoughts first.
    So i can decide whether it's necessary to purge my personal belongings(SP)
    Things wern't that bad in seventh grade, but it's where things started.
    Words were said, things were done. Mistakes, manly my own, were made.
    My innocense(SP)? gone.
    I was aged beyond my years before my first day of highschool.
    This summer, was like the calm before the storm.
    Everything was perfect, my friends were great and everything was peaceful for once in my life.
    But it all crashed.
    I litterally feel like my world is crashing down before my eyes.
    That may seem dramatic, but let me explain, if you're still reading this.
    People pick me up, and dropp me like some disposable toy.
    I had a bestfriend. Who understood me and didn't jusge me and let me have fun.
    A nice change from my usual group.
    But she dropped me. hat whole group dropped me and now I have no one to talk to withought being talked to like i'm some screw up. Loser. Idiot.
    That's how i'm treated everyday, i'm losing all possible interest in school, thus possibilitys for future careers.
    I can't picture my future anymore, and it usd to seem so bright.
    Sorry, i'm being super vague, but I need to ease into it.
    I tried to be a normal teenager(I never was, I didn't fit in anywhere and even if no one else knew it, I know I have some type of personality disorder.)
    But one mistake, tore everything away from me.
    It always seemed like Everyone was always aloud to get mad, but never me.
    I have no outlet for what's inside, and it's building up.
    Anyway, to be blunt, that one mistake, was a party.
    And I got drunk for the first time. I had a boyfriend but he wasn't there.
    A boy, took advantage of me. At the time(other than the fact that I was drunk) I didn't care, my boyfriend used me like a trophie, I couldn't tell if he actually liked me. It was sickening and I was looking for a way out.
    After the party, after I was grounded for comming home oddly sick, after I lost my fun friends due to not being able to see them anymore and my other friend completely hating them, after I was detached from what at the time seemed like my whole world, I realized a few things.
    I read an artical in a magazine, about a woman who was date raped.
    Guess what I could relate that to?
    I put the pieces toether in my head.
    That night, he took me into the kitchen away from the others, which was odd, because there was alcohol in the other room, why'd we come all the way out here?
    "your not drunk enough, here have this" that as a lie. I was just previously dancing and singing and laughing my ass, I could barely hold my balance.
    My I was concious, and sitll aware. How could ONE drink make me black out for the REST OF THE NIGHT, accept for like teo flashbacks?
    I was stuck in a dead relationship, but I know I would never throw my self on a guy,
    that I had just met that night.
    My hands started to shake as I held the magazine and I began to think maybe he didn't just kiss me
    maybe that's why his voice sounded so oddly fake when he asked later in the very early morning-
    "Really? you don't remember ANYTHING? woww"
    So, naive.
    That same night, I also found out my brother is a druge dealer. Way to live up to our relatives bro.
    It seemed like that night was to be the starting point of something entierely new.
    Only revently, I'v tried to tell my "friends" what I think happened to me that night.
    They laughed, everyone of them.
    I couldn't believe it.
    I'v been walking around, wondering if part of me is gone, not being able to know.
    It's killing me.
    And lately, people have some how got the idea that they can touch me.
    I don't like to be touched
    This one boy, two actually, make that three. Actually, I don't have an exact nummber.
    They get too close, they don't listen, they think it's funny.
    It burns.
    MY brother has this friend
    And he's not attractive.
    Recently, he's been getting way too close,
    and i'm gettig worried. I'm starting to fear the day he takes it too far.
    You'l be notified when that happens.

    This isn't even half of it.
  2. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    sorry for all the horrible things which are or have been happening to you.though i am a boy meself and i have not taken advantage of any girl i am aware that boys do those kind of things.it sounds like you are not sure sure if something happened that night ? it is not the end of the world but should be considered as a very valuable lesson.things like this are dangerous, espacialy to vulnerable girls who go out to have a good time only nothing else.choose your friends carefully, boys love drunk girls because they are "willing" abd vulnerable.your brother dealing drugs should councern you as it is indeed dangerous.does he do drugs himself? have you spoken to him? how is your relationship with your brother, are you able to speak to him? you see yourself having some kind of personality order yet you have been able to find friends in the past.this i find hopefull.i have been (and still are) in somehow the same position.i do not consider meself having any friends and i have allways been a kind of a follower feeling like a used doormat yet every birthday i still get calls from people from who i have tought they forgotten me long time ago.i guess those are still friends but i jusdt avoid any kinf of contact because i am also depressed.my fault. because those events all happend pretty much at the same time and you are down/depresses you tend to believe it is the start of the end.i somehow dont believe that.you need a push to pick up your life and choose good friends. people that are not related to drugs and/or alcohol.im sure you can do it but you need to push yourself to make the first step and take control of it.you decide who can be your friend and if you tend to believe someone has harmed you in any way or doesnt care about you then stay away from them.they are not wirthy.interact with good people only, finding them can be hard but once found they will be much more caring and will not intend to leave you.dont give up i read enough hope in your post.there are allways people here at SF willing to talk if you need to
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 6, 2010
  3. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Wow heavy stuff. It always makes me so sick hearing people laugh or dont believe a story like that. Yes unfortunately you hear that a lot here :( People who you thought of being your friends react like that. I can only imagin how alone and lost you must feel right now. I can relate to losing all your friends, because of one thing that happened. My advice is though, because I did that for years, not to keep everyone away from you. Because there are great people and great men. Sorry, I dont know what else to say. Keep posting
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Unfortunately there are people in this world who take advatage.. When you are out you should always keep track of your drink.. It only takes a blink for someone to drug you..I agree with the OP that you should make friends with people who don't drink or do drugs.. They are more caring and faithfull..I hope you are able to put this behind you soon..Just be more alert..Take care!!
  5. JaneDoe1795

    JaneDoe1795 Member

    I appreciate the responses:)

    It'sgood to hear that someone's actually listening and givingme valid advice because my 'friends' litterally find everthing i try to say to them funny, it's super frustrating.
    And I do have a relatinship with my brother, but it's not really personal. we don't talk about our personal lives together unless we have to. and even then it's awkward. I actualy asked him about the dealing and he said no but i'v met people since that said he does. And i know what someone who's high looks like and he dosn't exactly try to hide it when he comes home.
    And I suppose it was a good lesson:p th whole watch your drink thing, but i can assure you I won't be going near alcohol for a while, the smell kind of sickens me now
    And what I mean about the personality disorder is i don't know how to act in front of someone unless i'v known them for awhile, practically all of my friends have had to come up to me, I can't think of one that I went up to talk to before we actually knew each other, so you can understand why it's so hard for me to lose one becaus so late into shool it's sometimeshard to join a new group