All my life, I've had my Mum and sisters as my family and that's it. My Dad had passed away when I was 2 from a heart attack... up until now I've only had my good memories of him. It had been hard not having him around but I had lived with the knowledge that perhaps one day we would meet again in heaven. I had never been a Christian until my Auntie got cancer 5 years ago. She had introduced me to it and it had helped me believe that all of the people I had loved and lost would be reunited with me when I too died.
My and Auntie and I had a close relationship; I remember when she first got the illness- I was 10 and it was Summer- I spent the holidays with her. I would sit by her bedside and pray with her, pray for her to get better- pray that if there was a God, for him to grant me this wish and let me keep my Auntie.
Years past and my Auntie had got the all clear on her cancer and soon she was back to her regular self; encouraging me to pursue my art and acting like a second Mother to me in a way.
It was actually her that told me the dark truth about my Father. My wonderful 'Daddy' who could do no wrong; helped others in need and was up in heaven with God... I had been told it had been just a heart attack, completely out of the blue.
My Dad was an alcoholic.
A sleazy drunk who had taken drugs and killed
himself by accident. I had firstly resented my Auntie, choosing not to believe
that the amazing man from my memories, my last hope of believing that there was a God up there, looking down on me from the brightest star in the sky... he was just someone built up on a bed of lies.
Once I had accepted it, I began to realise that my Auntie had done what she had thought best; telling me the truth before it was too late. Nobody had been that straight forward and honest with me... and for that I loved her even more.
I still have frequent dreams of my 'old' Dad. Playing in the garden, picking me up and cradling me- as if I was the only thing that mattered in the World.
While I was moving on with my life, tragedy struck my family once more.
My Auntie's cancer was back. For long months she fought, just like before, except there was something missing this time. It was like she had almost given up on God, perhaps because she believed God had given up on her. She had been moved to a hospice... that's when it finally hit home that she might not make it through this time.
Then on October 13th, 2010, a few days after my 15th birthday, my Mum received a phone call at around 9am. My Auntie had passed away in her sleep in the early hours of the morning. I had been at school at the time, so when my Mum had pulled me out of class and told me the news... well I just didn't know what to think. I stood there and became my Mum's rock as I held her limply in my arms, my emotions all over the place.
I haven't even said goodbye to her.
The funeral passed in a blur- I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life.
My grades dropped a little in those months- my boyfriend and myself split up due to my emotional distance and my Mum, me and my sisters began to fight more.
I was once a good student- always hitting the deadlines, but instead I was barely scraping along. My family split- my Auntie's death having a huge impact on everyone; I had all these issues and unanswered questions in my head. Sometimes I burst out crying for no reason and would weep all night. I grew accustomed to late nights and insominiac hours of nightmares... I knew I had already suffered from some mild cases of depression but this time... this time I felt like everything was just getting too much. Stress, lack of eating/sleeping and not socializing... my art suffered and without my art... I had nothing.
I needed someone to talk to- my Mum had been my first option. I had tried to discuss these feelings I had been having but she failed to get it. She grew angry and shouted, making me cry and beg for her to understand. I felt so alone, like everyone just hated me at school and how people were deliberately causing pain to my very sensitive nature. Another backlash from Auntie's death- I was disobeying her word. I was letting the bullies get to me.
I wanted to talk to someone so badly. To let all my feelings out, without being interrupted or judged for what I said... I called childline but it was too impersonal so I failed to get anything sorted.
Just as I reached some sort passing- dealing with everything that had happened... something else ripped my heart out.
My Mum has cancer.
Now everything has lost it's purpose. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do-
She won't talk, neither will my sisters. I can't bear losing my Mum now; she's all I have left.
I cry myself to sleep a of lot nights, hoping things will get better with time- my Mum will be restored to her usually healthy self and the spirit of my Auntie will live on. And as much as I want to believe there is a wonderful place up there, beyond the stars and up there with God... I'm not a little girl anymore. I've learnt the secrets, lived the trauma and now I just want a little happiness to enter my life.
So please, if there is a God, grant me this wish. Don't let my Mummy die. I won't be able to live without her.
My and Auntie and I had a close relationship; I remember when she first got the illness- I was 10 and it was Summer- I spent the holidays with her. I would sit by her bedside and pray with her, pray for her to get better- pray that if there was a God, for him to grant me this wish and let me keep my Auntie.
Years past and my Auntie had got the all clear on her cancer and soon she was back to her regular self; encouraging me to pursue my art and acting like a second Mother to me in a way.
It was actually her that told me the dark truth about my Father. My wonderful 'Daddy' who could do no wrong; helped others in need and was up in heaven with God... I had been told it had been just a heart attack, completely out of the blue.
My Dad was an alcoholic.
A sleazy drunk who had taken drugs and killed
himself by accident. I had firstly resented my Auntie, choosing not to believe
that the amazing man from my memories, my last hope of believing that there was a God up there, looking down on me from the brightest star in the sky... he was just someone built up on a bed of lies.
Once I had accepted it, I began to realise that my Auntie had done what she had thought best; telling me the truth before it was too late. Nobody had been that straight forward and honest with me... and for that I loved her even more.
I still have frequent dreams of my 'old' Dad. Playing in the garden, picking me up and cradling me- as if I was the only thing that mattered in the World.
While I was moving on with my life, tragedy struck my family once more.
My Auntie's cancer was back. For long months she fought, just like before, except there was something missing this time. It was like she had almost given up on God, perhaps because she believed God had given up on her. She had been moved to a hospice... that's when it finally hit home that she might not make it through this time.
Then on October 13th, 2010, a few days after my 15th birthday, my Mum received a phone call at around 9am. My Auntie had passed away in her sleep in the early hours of the morning. I had been at school at the time, so when my Mum had pulled me out of class and told me the news... well I just didn't know what to think. I stood there and became my Mum's rock as I held her limply in my arms, my emotions all over the place.
I haven't even said goodbye to her.
The funeral passed in a blur- I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life.
My grades dropped a little in those months- my boyfriend and myself split up due to my emotional distance and my Mum, me and my sisters began to fight more.
I was once a good student- always hitting the deadlines, but instead I was barely scraping along. My family split- my Auntie's death having a huge impact on everyone; I had all these issues and unanswered questions in my head. Sometimes I burst out crying for no reason and would weep all night. I grew accustomed to late nights and insominiac hours of nightmares... I knew I had already suffered from some mild cases of depression but this time... this time I felt like everything was just getting too much. Stress, lack of eating/sleeping and not socializing... my art suffered and without my art... I had nothing.
I needed someone to talk to- my Mum had been my first option. I had tried to discuss these feelings I had been having but she failed to get it. She grew angry and shouted, making me cry and beg for her to understand. I felt so alone, like everyone just hated me at school and how people were deliberately causing pain to my very sensitive nature. Another backlash from Auntie's death- I was disobeying her word. I was letting the bullies get to me.
I wanted to talk to someone so badly. To let all my feelings out, without being interrupted or judged for what I said... I called childline but it was too impersonal so I failed to get anything sorted.
Just as I reached some sort passing- dealing with everything that had happened... something else ripped my heart out.
My Mum has cancer.
Now everything has lost it's purpose. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do-
She won't talk, neither will my sisters. I can't bear losing my Mum now; she's all I have left.
I cry myself to sleep a of lot nights, hoping things will get better with time- my Mum will be restored to her usually healthy self and the spirit of my Auntie will live on. And as much as I want to believe there is a wonderful place up there, beyond the stars and up there with God... I'm not a little girl anymore. I've learnt the secrets, lived the trauma and now I just want a little happiness to enter my life.
So please, if there is a God, grant me this wish. Don't let my Mummy die. I won't be able to live without her.