Push and Pull

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by flute, May 10, 2012.

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  1. flute

    flute Member

    I have a problem, or at least I think I do. Over and over I watch myself do the same thing, in falling into this awful state of depression and inactivity. There appears to be no way of dealing with it either. I can stave it off with entertainment, but it's always there. A creep over my shoulder no matter where I go. I can try and fill my day with tasks but it slows me down until I can't—wont do anything anymore. I purposefully push my friends away and isolate myself. Regardless of how much I do love them all; whatever happiness I have around them boils to nothing faster and faster lately. It's coming close to the point where I can barely stomach any of them. Honestly, I do think I’m bipolar or something similar...because it's driving me insane. I get the urge to hole up someplace and stay there, but then I know I'd get lonesome and find a friend anyway—knowing that—eventually, I’m going to want to get rid of them and that I will succeed.

    Then it will happen all over again.

    I hate it. I hate it.

    Worse, while I’m pushing the people around me away, I keep enticing them to come back and bear with me. A learned trait, I guess. I give them everything I can because friends at least make the hole I’m digging myself into less deep and dark and frightening. Until they give up and disappear, I guess. I thank God for them while they linger. I worry for them and try not to hurt them so much as those before them. I try to soften the blow by using only silence—because I have learned that words are too harsh to recover from. Because when I try to explain it ends up too late, for me and them to continue...so, they leave. It always feels so awful when they go. Confused mostly and hating me—or worse—becoming wary of me. The worst part is that they always leave something behind that I can't forget. Songs, stories, little bits of humanity that kill me every-time I think.

    I’m just so tired.

    I don't know how to stop myself from hurting these people I learn to love but teach to hate me. I don't think I ever will stop either, and it's terrifying.

    I just want to get away from me, and this thing.

    and that's my crisis.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi flute you explain so well what i tried to explain to anothr member on a different forum how i wish they could see your explanation of what you feel like You hun are depressed and needs help to stop the behavior of self sabotaging you. Get a therapist hun get on meds perhaps you deserve to be happy okay hugs
  3. flute

    flute Member

    Thank you for listening
    I'm afraid of going to a therapist because it makes me seem truly crazy, and my parents...
    My parents don't have a clue about what's going on, and, I don't think I want them to. Last time i tried to explain it they just told me that I was going through a phase-- but this phase I've been stuck in for years now.
    Do you think I could go to a therapist/psychologist without them knowing?
  4. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Flute, I don't know the specifics about your relationship with your parents, but you may think about opening up to them and being honest with what's going on in your life. Parents normally are very supportive and would be good for you to have family in your corner through these tough times.

    If you ever need to open up and talk, let me know. I'm here to listen and help.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Lots of people use therapist hun all kinds of professionals use therapist to help them better themselves Talk to your parents ok i am sure they would want you to be happy and stable
    If you are of age you can talk to your doctor who can set up appt with a therapist or a councillor someone hun that can help you
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