Pushed Beyond Breakdown

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaish, Sep 13, 2015.

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  1. Kaish

    Kaish Well-Known Member

    I just need a moment to feel pity for myself... it's been over a year since I have felt suicidal and I didn't even feel it this strong last year. I think it was five years ago I felt it this strong. I feel so worthless and that I don't have the strength to make it through this ordeal. In the last three weeks I've had to see my physically abusive ex. When I called my mother for support she said that I abandoned and betrayed him. I've had my landlord giving me grief and expecting me to jump at her every will. Today she called again and since I didn't pick up she called my father who said I need to be responsible. I told him there have been nights I have felt so down that I've wanted to put a gun to my head. I asked him how adding more responsibility will help me not to pull the trigger. His response was that I can't hide from responsibility. Basically I have no one.

    Things have never been this bad. I pushed myself so hard to always be available and to do everything I need to. It led to a physical and mental breakdown. I had to take time for myself otherwise I was going to end up dead or in a place I would never get out of. When I look back I've had no one. That's what I need. I probably wouldn't be in this mess if my parents were at least supportive. Not blaming me. It was a few days ago I told someone I'm fragile. I could very well be in the hospital, but I've decided to fight this on my own. Oh heck, even if I was in the hospital I'm sure people wouldn't have a care in the world. I'm sure I would get back and my landlord would give me a list of all I need to do.

    I don't know how else to say it besides I'm fragile and can't take this stress. If I'm pushed anymore I'm going to end up killing myself. Why does no one care about that or my emotional health??
     
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Kaish, I am glad you posted this today and that you have taken time out for a bit of self-pity. We all need to do that once in a while. It is great that you recognized the need.

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Why did you have to see your ex? Do your parent's know he was abusive? What kind of things is your landlord asking you to do? Can you agree to do them a little bit at a time? Not all at once? It does sound like you are getting slammed with some really difficult issues all at the same time. That is hard on anyone. Even harder on you since you are not receiving support. I hope you don't try and go it alone. Everyone needs a hand at times. Have you tried reaching out to a counseling service, a local hotline? Do you have any friends or a church family who could help you? I think we still live in a world that largely believes we should be able to fix our emotional health by ourself. They are so VERY WRONG. Please don't harm yourself and keep reaching out to people here. This is a group that understands.
     
  3. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    it seems you got bad luck with your family. just remember that there are lots of good, nice people out there so you shouldn't kill yourself because you got unlucky to have bad supports. you can find new supports ... church, mental health services, suicide forum. lots of good people out there you just have to find them.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope people let up on you and give you space and time to heal some so you are less fragile Find a quiet space of your own ok where you can listen to your fav music or read just do something kind for YOU
     
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