Pushed out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reptor, Apr 3, 2010.

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  1. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    As i've stated before I came here to speak my peace and that was about all I really wanted. Unfortunately it didn't work out to be that simple. I would apologize to the person(s) who have made me feel so bad about having the feelings and emotions that I do, but, it's not up to them to push another user away.

    I didn't expect to be treated as a special case here. I didn't think any user would attach themselves to me so greatly as to make me feel bad for not replying to them or even taking it outside of the board here. They did nothing against the rules but they certainly did make me feel like s**t for coming here in the first place.

    I made the mistake of opening up, that was my error and I can not take that back, but, I can say that trying to help a fellow user of the board and trying to guilt and pressure them into contacting you outside of this forum are two completely different situations.

    I tried to be peaceful and just walk away but damnit it's not right. Our words are our own and if the effect another here deeply then great, but, if you ask those persons to stop and back off then they should respect that and respect your wishes. I never though a pro-survival forum could actually be a trigger to push me even further off the ledge.

    Unfortunately I can't say this without hurting those who tried to be nice and help, but, unfortunately that is what I do, all i am good for is hurting those who try and help me or get close to me. I warned in the begining that it would be a mistake to try and get too close.

    My space was invaded and the damage is done. The individuals I speak of even went so far as to threaten to leave the board like a child running instead of trying to peacefully co-exist in this realm. I can't make them stay or go but if they can't handle the reality that some people can't be saved, can't be stopped, and chose this forum as their last resting point on the road of life before taking the final steps then maybe they need to think twice about being on the board themselves.

    Everyone has the right to live or die by their own rules, even if the government, religion, or any belief says otherwise. We are each our own person. I can respect that. Can you all?

    Sorry to rant and rave like this but i had to get that out before it truly made me explosive to those I need around me at the last days.

    If the mods choose to edit or remove this post then so be it, but heed my words, we are not shrinks or doctors, we are people and we try to be friends, but, when that goes too far there will be repercussions.
  2. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    Reptor i am sorry for what happend. i am not aware of the details but i unstand what you feel. without being aware who is involved in this issue i think it is hard to find someone here who will actually exept that one is willing to end his life even though this is an suicide forum it is still pro-life and wenn talking to a fellow member we kind of see ourself and can relate alot to other members. you are correct in saying everyone has the right to live or die by their own rules, it still remains hard to realy exept this. i also found it is very hard to choose the correct words for others, i have also allready offended someone i believe. like you said we are far from shrinks and doctors here, all we can do is give support by talking and helping someone by giving them a shoulder to cry on but yes, many times this can go wrong. i am sorry for what happend to you, please understand it is not likely you will find any soul here willing to accept the faith you have chosen. i am not sure what i would have done wenn being in a discussion with someone who has allready chosen his own faith, i would be very worried like most others and would have a hard time exepting that faith. i think by coming here we just 'asume' for all new members that there is still hope because a new membership here is seen as a cry for help and therefor we try to support as much as we can. sometimes this will be seen as "to much". please understand we have no other choice then doing this, we cant all just give up, neither does anybody want to lose a friend. i am sorry for this situation. is there anything we can do for you ?
  3. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply. I just really needed to vent it out. The person(s) in question just push too much too far and way too quickly. It was not appropriate and when asked to lay off or pull back they just pushed further at a time when it was the very wrong thing to do.

    Over the last few days my triggers are coming more often and much harder then usual. A certain sight, a certain smell, a song on the radio or tv. It just seems to be one big string of trigger after trigger and I really am at wits end.

    Last night my sons were in the shower and found an old bottle of my ex's shampoo. It's all I can smell in the house now and it's pushing. Pushing hard. I've lost it all and can't seem to find any good ground to stand on anymore.

    I like to speak in this forum as it is anonymous to a degree and safe in my opinion. Someone asked me to speak outside of this forum in a much more personal way and when i politely refused they turned it to guilting me and almost daring me like a child would do to another child to reach out to them. If that is how we are to act here then what is the point of using this medium to speak?

    While no one here may like or agree with the choices some of us will make, it's not fair to shove it back on us because "you" (the other members) don't like or accept my decision. Don't ever guilt someone who is at their wits end and don't ever EVER make them feel bad for not reaching out in a more private manner. Respect is all I'm asking for and I didn't receive it in this situation and it really turned my stomach.

    I come here to share my thoughs and words. If this is not the place to do that then someone please tell me and I'll be on my way. And if you're going to try and help me or turn me around then , not speaking for everyone but only myself, take what i say as truth and respect what I tell you.

    I have no fear any longer, no worries or concerns for anyone else, I could say some harsh and nasty things because that is the place I am in right now, but, i have chosen a more mature path I believe and continue to speak here. For now at least.
  4. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    its ok to share your thoughs and words here.
    pushing or guilting someone is indeed one of the worst ideas to do to someone who is suffering an depression, unfortunally like you said in your op we are far from profesionals here and therefor some of us will forget this and think to be able to help someone by doing just this, which is wrong. could you try to place yourself in his/her shoe's and see in trough their eyes ? i am not sure what i would have done, maybe i would have done exactly the same thing in 'the heat of the battle' being afraid to loose someone. it just isnt easy. the thing is we are pro life here, and so do we try to tread eachother here.
    i am sorry to hear about your situation, without willing to pressure you in any way... do you mind telling how long you are sick and feeling this terrible and what have you done sofar to help yourself ?
  5. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    As far as how long goes, I was diagnosed bi-polar/mainc depressive as a child. I've lived with it my whole life. I've gone through almost every type of therapy imaginable. I've been to doctors of all types, groups, been in locked ward mental care, been through the whole sting of meds and even a few experimental ones, I've tried finding religion, finding help, finding myself.

    The recent occurances in my life have led me to the point I'm at. Tried one last therapist and their opinions were rediculous and pointless. Try a few new stings of medical cocktails from my doctor as well. I have the issue of growing immunity to the meds way too quickly. Just one of my physical issues. The only thing that kept me level and "normal" in my thoughts and moods is illegal in the state i live in so it's not an option.

    The quick concise story of late is this. Due to physical issues I became a pain killer addict. Made me verbally and mentally abusive to my wife and kids. I finally got clean and she left me and took the kids with her. Exact words were I don't love you anymore and won't ever be able to again because of all I did. I do take some pride in the fact i was never physically harmful to anyone. Feb 1st she left our home and took the kids, Feb 2nd I lost my job. No insurance means no meds, no doctors, no alternatives. Now that am I completely clean and off all meds I can look clearly at the damage I've done. I can never repair the pain I've caused or the scars I've created in others. I still continue to hurt people and I fail at everything I try anymore. This has lead me to where I am today.
  6. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    im sorry, losing your kids wife and job all within a week timespan is allready hard enough for someone who has never been sick in his life before, let alone for someone who had suffered depressions for his entire life.
    somewhere in your post you have said your kids where taking an shower, that means you still see them at home ? could you get any hope from the fact this all has happend just two months ago and it is all still pretty fresh ?
    what i mean is there is maybe a still a chance for you to come together as a family ?
    i see how you feel, i am also one of those that fail at all the things they do. i simply cant find the motivation to do anything right. in all those years that you have been sick have you ever "accepted" your illness as it is, i mean have you ever told yourself ( like i did and boy it was hard and took me long ) I AM SICK AND THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO ? i have been suicidal meself for many years and only found motivation for life ( even if it is not a whole lot ) once i told meself I AM DIFFERENT and truely accept that faith. since then my suicidal thought started to dissapear very slow. i am still depressed and feel like shit at times but i managed to push away the suicidal thoughts which gives me a bit hope for the future in the sence of 'if i can do this i could maybe do more'.
    it seems you have done allready alot to help yourself, more then many other depressed people have done. have you ever considered Acupuncture ( no joke ) ? my father ( who i dont see anymore ) and a good friend of mine who suffered many years of depression are doing alot better since they started Acupuncture sessions, my friend even lost 40 pound overweigth, i am also considering doing this. in what field have you worked Reptor ? do you still have the power and will to find a new job ?
    How long could you still financialy hold yourself up ?
  7. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I do still see my kids but it's more like a babysitter than a parent. It sucks too. I hate having to say goodbye to them over and over. I wish there was still hope but my ex stopped loving me long ago. I find it incredibly hard to move on as she did. Everytime I think I'm getting over it something snaps me right back.

    As far as acupuncture, I've tried it many times. It only helped for a very short time. Trust me there is probably nothing out there I haven't tried.

    As far as careers. I've been a computer tech/consultant for years. Then worked for a major credit card company. That was the last job I held and after 6 years it's gone too. I keep looking for work, not sure why at this point as I get is rejection after rejection. I only have enough in the back for another 2 - 3 months then I run out of resources. Just one more impending doom for me.

    Not really anything left to hold on to. As I said in my other posts. I'm at the point of wrapping up loose ends and making sure the final things are in place.
  8. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    being a child of divorced parents i can tell you growing up without a father isnt easy. i was 11 wenn my parents divorced and my father migrated so he did not have to pay any childsupport. i had zero authority and at age 15 i was breaking in, stealing car radio's smoking marijuana etc. simply because my mother couldnt control me and father's authority wasnt there. not sure why i tell you this, i dont want to make you feel guilty or something, its just a bit about my background. i thought its only fair to tell you something about my background like you have done to me.
    beside the fact that you lost eveything dear to you keep in mind it could be much more than just that which makes you feel the way you do now, namely CHANGE. everything is new. you are living alone for the first time in a long while, you cant see your children whenever you like anymore which must feel very strange. your waking up alone and your regular day is different because you not waking up to do your job which maybe made you feel more "usefull". like you said yourself seeing your children feels like babysitting, you arent used to this. i am depressed meself and i have a very hard time dealing with changes in life. even if i would find a job which pays double than the best job i ever had i would most likely have a problem with that because it is something new again. i just have a hard time handling new things, positive or negative doesnt matter to much they both feel pretty much the same, it causes me fear. maybe the same applies to you at this moment ?
    you seem to have a good carreer background, what do you think could be the reason for not being able to find a new job ? how many jobs have you applied for since you got to know you will lose your job ?
    i realy hope you can still find the strenght to continue. the fact that you feel sorry for the things that you might have done in the past only shows that you feel guilty about your prior actions and shows that you have a great personality. maybe you would like to turn back times and do it better or different this time, unfortunally this isnt possible but what we can do is try our best to change the future. be there for your kids and make them look up to their father. how old are they anyway ?
  9. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    My parents divorced when I was 5 so I'm no stranger to your situation. As far as my kids go they are 4, 6, and 10. When they are with me they seem to want to be anywhere else. It's a competition with my ex. I have to try and give them everything they get with her but I can't keep up. Today they get to go swimming with her at her apartment complex. I can't give them a pool and you know how kids are about those things. I lose that battle without even having a chance to fight. If I was working I'd find a way to afford the pool here.

    As far as finding work. I spend every day looking and applying for work and get nothing but rejections. The market here is too bad and way too many out of work people. The competition is fierce and my skills are getting a bit old to compete with the younger cheaper work force.

    I've never been one to have issues with change. I do have issue with not being able to fix my mistakes or even having a chance to do it.

    To be perfectly honest, and I'll say this in a way as to be acceptable to the board, I have my methods all set. I will be using multiple at once so there will be no chance of failure. Won't say when. Can't say how. Can only say I'm happy in knowing it's almost over.
  10. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    you maybe arent in a situation where you could buy a pool, but you could take them for a swim somewhere else. kids in that age like to go outside they have no need for material things like fancy clothes (at least not yet). if dumping them in a pool in the backyard is all mom can do i think you could do alot better with less money spend.

    concerning work i obvious cant say to much as i have no idea what are the options in your place, i just hope you will keep applying for the new jobs and i am sure sooner or later you will find a job again. i know how this feels i am in somehow the same situation at the moment.

    about your wish to "end it" i must tell you there is no "no chance of failure" method, people even survive bullets in the head causing terminal damages but not death. i am sorry you feel this way about it. you are obvious suffering alot of pain. i truely hope you still find a way to pick yourself up.
  11. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately I am without a vehicle. She got the only one we had. So she took the kids hiking then to the pool at her complex and it didn't cost her a dime. i don't leave near anyplace I can take them for anything similar and I am already hearing about it from the 3 of them.

    I can't deal with many more rejections n jobs. money is running out quickly.

    My daughter is at the age where material things do matter and it's out of my reach anymore to give her what she wants and needs. I owuld give the world to them and will give my last panny to make sure they are happy because that is how they see me anyway. I'm the bankroll and she is the emotional support.
  12. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    its obvious you love your kids alot but you must understand thats the way kids are. they just dont lie. it must hurt alot to hear that, i have been guilty of doing exactly the same as your kids are doing right now. my father has left without leaving any money or vehicle, he even went that far to emigrate so he cant be tracked to pay childsupport. i asked meself how come suddenly we cant buy those fancy things anymore and started to blame my mother for it.this is the way children are but you may under no circumstances blame yourself for this. once they grow up a bit more they will understand what has happend but leaving them now will make them feel miserable for the rest of their life(why did we keep asking daddy for material things when he couldnt afford it). i now feel sorry for my mother that all those years i kept doubting her and thought as a child that she wouldnt buy us those things anymore. now i have an hate feeling for my father, it just goes that much further then "only" leaving. the leaving and not being able to do certain things anymore is just the start, the drama that comes later is much worse

    somehow i got the feeling that you have not accepted yet the fact that your wife has left you, correct me if i am wrong pls. you have been ill for a long time but it sounds to me like the split-up between the both of you and maybe even more that you cant see your children whenever you like is your trigger. i understand that must feel terible, you have been the "going to work" and "come home at night"-daddy to them and now if they visit you you must do things with and for them what mommy has been doing all this time. like you said 'babysitting'.

    if you would only be able to find an job and give yourself about 6 more months to get used to this new situation
  13. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Wow, this thread is kind of like a novel. These posts are huge! lol I'll have to take the time later today to read it all properly as I don't have much time right now.

    Nice to see you still around here, reptor. Remember; people here only want what is best for you.
  14. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    i accepted the fact of the split. I don't have to like it but i do accept it.Unfortunately it came with way too many changes than i could handle at once. I've worked through a lot of it but when I see my children taking to other people and respecting them and listening to them and I get stomped on by them, I knew it was time to walk away. They are happier with out me, she is happier without me. Mostly everyone I know here is happier without me. I've seen it clearly enough for long enough now.

    Today is supposed to be a family holiday, guess what, that's not happening for me. Alone I sit, watching my ex and kids going about life and I get to sit and think. Alone with my thoughts. Not a good place to be right now.
  15. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    maybe you have accepted it but i think a big change like this will take more than 2 months to get used to. its just to much in a to short timespan especially for someone who has been ill allready. do not blame yourself for all of it. your kids dont know better, they are only kids and will like to hang out with those that give them most. it is normal, and yes it does hurt. i have done the same, i stayed with my mother after the divorce and kept blaming her for not getting nice big birthday presents and christmas presents anymore. she tried to make my father so black by telling her 10 year old children father has done everythnig wrong in life. my father was also suffering depressions i recently found out. around age 15-20 i got terible confused by this. i understand my mother couldnt give us all we wanted but why did she feel the need to talk to us everyday about how terible our father has been, we were (me and my brother) 10 and 12 years old only, like we cared. do not blame yourself for this Reptor. hence the reason why kids love grandpa and grandma, they tend to give alot of presents thats all kids care about in that age, they never raised us did they. are you still able to talk with your ex without having a fight ? i think it is important to show you and your ex can still see eachother without arguing all the time. i hope your ex will not act the same as my mother has done. i find it very inmature and bad for the children. maybe you are just to damn depressed to see some good things, it tends to make us believe all terible things start with us and we cant see any good anymore. like you i am also alone eastern. i am realy sorry for your situation. my heart goes out for you. pls hang in there buddy and give yourself some more time
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 4, 2010
  16. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    How are you doing Reptor ?
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just happened to read this post and was wondering how you're doing.

    I'm sorry someone here pushed too hard and tried to make you feel guilty. We all have boundaries, and people need to respect those boundaries.
  18. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    My ex was my last friend. We are being civil. We do not speak ill of each other to the children.

    She was my best friend and knew every intimate detail of me and my illness, but it's even too much for her anymore and I can't speak to her about anything. It's quick hello's when we have to see each other.

    We actually split many months back but the final move out occured in February.

    I have nothing left but hurt and pain and a need for silence. Unfortunately that silence can only come one way at this point.

    I am not doing well and everything is triggering me at this point. Not much longer to go and that is my only solace.
  19. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    Thats to bad you guys cant talk anymore, thats a real shame especially because she has been your friend. Dont you think that after a litle while (its about 2 months now?) the both of you will be able to have an decent converstation again, maybe its all a bit to fresh now ? I mean she has decided to leave you but you are still the father of the children and you have been living together for a pretty long time right ?
    Are there no relatives where you could turn to, How about your parents are they able to give you a helping hand ? Sometimes it helps if you have someone to talk to to get that load of your chest. I understand how you feel, the things you have been going trough are to much and must cost you alot of pain. Just stop blaming yourself for the things you cant give your kids at the moment ok, there is nothing you can do about it. How far does your ex with your kids live from your place ?
  20. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    We are actually now past the point of conversation. She can't help me any longer and can't figure out what to do so she's backed off. Hard to explain but even though the move out was recent she actually left me long ago emotionally. I have no family to turn to and no friends left to talk to.

    The ability to give my kids what they want and need was a last straw. I was always the provider and I can't be that any monger. It was one of the last things keeping me alive.

    As far as distance. They could live next door and it would still feel a million miles away.

    My kids don't want me, listen to or respect me, My ex is gone, lost my friends and family due to my issues and problems, no one will employ me, hell I even made a budget for the things i would need for my exit plan. The last of those arrive any day now.

    The end is finally in sight and for the first and last time within reach. It's too late for me. I have nothing to hold on to and nothing to try and achieve any more.
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