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Pushing people away, because I'm not a counsellor

#1
When shit hits the fan it's easier for me to just throw people out of my life. I know this isn't proper, but I don't know what else to do.

I really need support in my life right now, and I'm sick of others throwing their problems on top of mine. I can barely manage the weight of my own emotions right now, let alone handle the crap being piled on top of me.

I ask for support and then I feel like the other person is saying "Oh okay my turn now you think your life is bad well listen to THIS!"

Could someone at least acknowledge what I say before switching the subject or starting to talk about themselves? Am I insane for thinking that this is wrong? Am I insane for just wanting someone to listen to me?

I was sharing some fun stories and things that got me smiling with my mother. Then she starts talking about how irritated she is with my brothers girlfriend for wanting $3 for a loaf of bread that she picked up for my mom, when she's over at my parents house eating supper nearly every day.

There was very little affirmation that my mom was listening to me before she started telling me her current issues. That wasn't the only thing that she shared and was unhappy about.

At work, many of the people I work with have to complain about something. Some are worse than others, but I'm so tired of people having to bitch about things while I'm trying to work. It's a family owned business so some of them are related yes, and its an open office so EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU. I get really pissed off when the LGBTQ topic comes up, because I'm bisexual and, I'm sorry lady at work with super religious background, but I do NOT think it makes me a bad person like you say that I am. Do not clump me together with everyone in that group. We are human beings and because of that we are individuals and no two people are the same. Heaven forbid that one of your children happens to belong in this category because I would adopt your child in a heartbeat if it meant that they could be themselves without your ridicule.

Usually when someone at work gets complaining I start overbearing people right back with whatever I can say to get them to just shut up. Usually if I speak in a loud voice they just switch topics to try "keep it quiet" even though everyone can hear them anyway. Lol

Switch over to my boyfriend, whom I had an argument with over a phone call we had yesterday. Same thing, different person. I share some news that I was at an open Mic night and was brave enough to get up on stage and read a poem. It was fun, even though my hands were visibly shaking! After sharing this with him and expecting some conversation about it, my boyfriend flips the topic to his life quite quickly. Not right away, but quick enough so that I didn't feel like he gave a shit about my happy moment.

He started telling me that he never needed to go to things like that, and meet new people because all of his friends are online. All he needs is internet, apparently. God that hurt because not only do I consider him a boyfriend, but also a best friend. And my excitement over getting out there and finally being brave enough to start to find new friendships smashed into feeling heartbroken.

Often, he will play video games and enjoy looking through Instagram on his phone when I'm around. This isn't quality time to me. We dont live together so it's not like we spend a lot of time together. To clarify, if we play a video game together that counts as quality time.

I feel both people need to be willing and wanting to share a single activity together not just two people sitting beside each other, one on a laptop and one on an xbox.

Im not okay with sitting in a house all day I find it boring and unfulfilling. There are days that I curl up with a good book and go nowhere yes, but I cherish having balance in my life and also going out into the world to smell the flowers.

Lately I feel like this relationship is destroying what optimism I have left. I want to just have fun together doing something, but why does it go back to shitty things and negative influences? Why does it have to be like that?

I want to believe that the world has some good left in it, that there's a chance of things getting better in my life in the things that I'm not happy about, so is it wrong to want to avoid people that like complaining? Am I the one in the wrong here?

Where are all the people that want to at least TRY to have a better life? I must be looking in the wrong place because I can't seem to find them, either that OR; I have a rare opinion about the world and therefore am the insane one.

/rant.

Wow that is long. Whoops. XD Thanks for reading!
 

WildCherry

Staff member
ADMIN
#2
Just want you to know I read your post, and I understand. So often, instead of listening, people jump right in to talk about their lives. Which is OK sometimes... that can be how connections are made. But other times, we all need to stop and listen.

BTW, huge congrats on reading that poem. I admire you for being able to do that.
 
#3
Thank you so much, I really appreciate the response. My aunt used to be the one that listened to me, and now she's gone. She packed her stuff up and left the whole family after a huge dramatic mess occurred. I haven't heard from her and I'm really worried, because she had tried to kill herself a few years back. I keep her in my thoughts and hoping that she is smiling and safe but it hurts so much to have her gone.

I'm not doing well financially either and I'm struggling with wanting to spend money to help myself relieve some stress by going out to open mics, or doing other activities that I love.

I really want a bunch of hugs. That would be nice. Lol! Thanks again
 

Walker

Everything Zen
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#4
Hi there
Im here & I'm listening.
I do get what you're saying about how people want to listen for a second until its their turn to jump in & talk. Its a lot. Its culture today to some extent - not to make excuses cause that crap is rude. Its hard to keep someone's attention because their phone is in there hand, in their face. Attention is fleeting. Its "all about me".
Have to tried to talk to your boyfriend in a serious way about this? It's not like you want to suck all his friends & life away but you do deserve to get what you need from this too. Its one half your relationship.
 
#5
I've mentioned it before with him, that I don't feel like he listens. He says that I don't think his input matters, which doesn't make sense to me. I plan to talk to him face to face about it, which is tomorrow, as long as I can keep him away from electronics or other distractions long enough for him to listen to me. I want to tell him how much it hurt to hear him say he doesn't need people in his life. I want him to understand and I want him to feel understood. He says he wants to have a fire at his place and have people over, which is great! He likes to talk about some of his friends in a poor manner, mainly because he doesn't like his one friend's girlfriend. I agree, she isn't that nice to his friend, but once they are gone I don't want to be the one listening to him talk about it again. When they are gone, I want to be in the moment and focus on US. If it's his feelings and he needs to let it out that is fine, but I feel there is a fine line between talking to release stress, and talking to feel better than others.
 

nobodyknows71

For a Phoenix to rise, it must first burn.
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
Hey there @Snake on the Moon did you mention hugs?

I’m on it...

Hey... why is there no upload file here :(

Anyway... (((((hugs)))))

People are too caught up in their own little world of self importance that as a generalisation we’ve lost the art of listening. It is definitely a cultural thing. Everything has to be instant, people don’t make the time to just have a proper conversation. You’ve barely stop to take breathe before you’re being dragged on to the next thing. It’s a shame.

Glad to see you still around.

S x
 

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