Pushing people away

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Oloriel, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I seem to be having serious issues handling real life. Not that this is anything new for me, but it's getting worse, and it scares me. I stay in my room all the time to avoid having to see people, and just try to survive as alone as possible. I put off using the bathroom, I try not to eat unless it's something close at hand, and I basically just waste my life. I at least try to talk to my friends online while I do this. My boyfriend has always been my rock at times like this. I remember he found me once when I was cutting and preparing for a suicide attempt - he calmed me and talked to me and cleaned my wounds. (This was before we were together, when I was going through my bad breakup with my ex.) So now, when I am talking to him and suddenly I just push him away to hide alone in the dark, I am terrified of what is happening to me. I don't want to be alone, it terrifies me, and yet I don't know how else to be. I can't do anything right now, I just want to cut - I want to cut until the scars stretch all the way down my arms, and for the first time I wanted to try cutting on new areas - my breasts, my stomach. And to resist the urge to cut, I want to choke myself until I pass out, which is hardly better. I just don't want to have to EXIST anymore, I'm so tired of it - especially if I can't try to distract myself or reassure myself with my boyfriend. I know I depend on him too much, and it hurts me. I want to make him happy more than anything else, and I HATE myself for not being able to do a good job of it. How can I love him like he deserves when I can't even like myself?

    I don't know what to do. I just want to block everything out. I'm useless as it is - I'd rather not be forced to be conscious of how worthless I am.

    This post is an emo piece of shit, but I guess that's what I am - I'll post it anyway. >.<
  2. PiecesMended

    PiecesMended Well-Known Member

    It's not an emo piece of shit, you can't help how you feel.
    I do this alot too but I've done it for years so it doesn't really bother me. Upsets my mum and friends though.
    I'm glad your boyfriend is so supportive, He obviously wants to help you or he wouldnt stick around*. I really hope you resist the urge to cut in different places. It leads to trouble.
    If you ever want to chat then I'm only a PM away.
    :hug: - Pieces
    *Umm don't think I worded this very well, sorry! I meant he obviously cares for you a great deal.
  3. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Thank you. *hug* I love the people here - on the forums and in chat. They make me feel so much better about myself.

    And I understand what you meant about my boyfriend, no worries. ^^ I know that if he didn't really love me, there's no way he'd ever put up with my crap. I am very grateful for him.
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