I stumbled here from google via "I wish to die" keyword, so yea here I am. You can call me Claudia, I'm female, 28 years old, and I have a decent reason to kill myself (should there be any good reason for it in the first place). How I feel at the moment? daily suicidal thought, I can't stop thinking how I'd kill myself everyday, it's so depressing. I feel totally alone, I mean it, I'm literally alone. I feel like no one consoles me and life's getting unbearable and the world is too cruel. What cause my depression? In a nutshell, there'd be two main reason: My mother is a really abusive person (both mentally and physically) and my beloved fiancee... he's passed away last year, he lost a battle with cancer, died in my arms. Long story be told. I recall the first time I wanted to kill myself was when I 15 years old. Before my parents got divorced, I live in a chaotic house. My mom, she is 'acually' a good person, but she just doesn't know that some things can really hurt me, verbally and physically. Like when he pushed me to drink vinegar through my nose, tying myself on the neck and put me on the yard...what, like an animal? pricking me with hot needle, dismissed me from the house and let me slept outside, and countless of curses and 'casual' slapping. I cried almost every night back then, asking God why my mother could be that cruel. I'm ok with casual slap, my dad would do that when I'm wrong. But I'm not okay when Mom just do things on her own accord, I did nothing and it feels like she just wanted to abuse me. it's totally unreasonable I don't even know what have I done that I deserved that savage treatment. My father is a kind person, but he didn't back me up when my Mom brutally beat me up. I don't know why. I'm so used to cry in silent every night so no one would notice me crying. One night, when I cried myself to sleep, something just came to my mind, like someone told me I need to perservere, that it's okay not to get love from a family. The voice said that every humans are born with love in their heart and they can always give it to others. Good reason, I think. It encourages me a lot for the next several years. When I was 20 years old, my parents decided to finally split up, My mom leaving the house and she claimed the family business house as her house. I decided to move to that house because I can't stand being on my old house anymore. My dad was having a fight with my brother everyday and it drove me crazy. My mom, you know, is not always that abusive, sometimes, rarely though, she'd cook for me (like several times in a year). I don't know why she's like that but what she did is unforgettable and it caused trauma. I thought my mom could finally be ok this time I thought my mom was so stressed that she needs to beat me up to relieve her stress I thought with the divorce she could finally be nice to me But I was wrong Soon after the split up she got a new boyfriend, and she moved with him leaving me all alone in the house. I got tricked. This is how my sad story really starts... From 20 years old and even until now, I live alone, all alone. so it's been 8 years? or maybe more. when my little sister come (rarely) my mom will come to the house to keep her company. but she didn't talk to me. It's so rare to see people around me (I live on third floor), the people that I'd usually get to see was the lunch/dinner delivery boy. when I was 23 years old, I was diagnosed with a tumor on my left breast and doctor told me it needed to be removed soon. My mom, to my surprise, was so angry to me and yelled at me. cursing me and told me that I'm not good enough to be a human, that I'm so prone to weird illnesses, and this and that. Oh God that time I was so scared myself because the type of the tumor hasn't been confirmed. there's a slight posibility that it would turn out to be cancer. I was freaked out. My mom keep on surpressing me and yelled at me everytime she met me. to make things worse, my granny pushed my mom to drop me to hospital every week, to which infuriated her even more. I'm done for sure, granny won't listen. I was hoping that a mother, you know, a mother figure, would somehow support you when you got sick. Anyhow in the end my surgery was a success and my mother would finally stop complaining, but that didn't last long. ---------------------------------------------- The next year, stress might has taken its toll on me. I was diagnosed with menorhagia and hyperplasia endometrium, causing me to bleed nonstop for a month. My blood HB dropped to 7.3 and I need to be hospitalized. Doctor told me that I'm chronically ill, that my heart is deteriorating and it's in a chronic condition already. EKG shows early stage of heart failure because my HB stays at 7 for a long time. I didn't tell anyone because I was so afraid that my mom will throw me a tantrum. And I didn't have enough strength to go to doctor all by myself. Anyway, I ended up getting a blood transfusion in a hospital for 3 days. that time, I was in relationship with this one guy for several months. He stayed with me in the hospital and his first comment was : "I have a headache omg it's so boring here theres nothing I can do" My dad came and told my bf to look after me because he can't (he's a very busy person). ok my BF stayed but he always complained about being boring. so I told him to just go, but he refused. I'm sad though because I was hoping someone would stay for me and took care of me, just for once oh God in my life time. without complain, what's the purpose of staying with me if he kept on complaining? On the third day he left without a word and so I had to order a taxi and went home all by myself from hospital... sad no? "as long as you can stand on your feet, you are not sick, so dont exaggerate" that what my mom said to me as I laid on hospital bed, getting transfusion, overwhelmed in sadness. I tried not to cry. the nurses asked me who was that, "my mother" I said. they didn't believe. My mother wanted me to marry this one rich guy but of course I rejected him already on a whim. I'd better be dead than marrying him that guy told me that he can 'buy' any woman with his money he also looks down on everyone, thinks that he's the best I'm sorry that I'd have to be this blatant, but his face looks like a blobfish. I told that to my friend and he agreed, we cracked to laugh. ---------------------------------------------------- HELLISH RELATIONSHIP Now let's talk about my previous relationship. I was on my second relationship when I get hospitalized, it was a cancerous relationship . a dreary several months for me because I need to pick him up from here to there, he can't drive. So I'm taking the man's job. I mean it's ok to drive him here and there but he didn't seem to be thankful, it felt like I was only getting used. He didn't even said thank you everytime I dropped him off. I complained for that and you know what? He got angry at me. And when I can't pick him up he will get angry, even when the reason was me being sick, he just didn't care. When he was sick, I went off to the town at 3 a.m. looking for a medicine for him. I bought him some, hoping to see him be happy and and if possible, hearing a simple 'thank you'. I gave him the medicine, he briefly checked the bag, and tossed it away to the corner of the desk "what did you buy? I don't want this kind of medicine!" I bought him bodrex instead of panadol for flu... He always got angry to me for a small matter, he yelled and cursed me in a public for countless of times. he told me to look a job for him and make him his curiculum vitae and got angry when I didn't. He asked me to pay his phone billings and get angry when I late. He told to do many things for him and got angry again when I said I didn't want to have a sex with him at times. I feel like I'm being used. like I'm a toy. a cash machine, or sex toys? what's wrong if I don't want to have sex with him? should he be THAT angry? my first relationship was a living hell too. I spent 5 years with a wrong person. the PMS boy who get angry over smallest thing, this guy asked me to his house, telling me that he got sick. I told me I'll be there later. So because I live all alone and I need to do things -all by myself- I can't be his personal assistant who's available all the time so I told him I'll be there 'later'. He called me at 2 pm and I went to his house at 5, buying some food, juices, and medicine for him, arrived around 6ish pm. So yeah, he opened the gate for me in a bad manner, with annoying facial expression, telling me that I'm SO late and it's MY FAULT that he didn't get a lunch that day... what the heck. Then he slammed the juices (that I gave to him) to the road and yelled to me "YOU'RE THE SHITTIEST WHORE I'VE EVER MET!" other things, he asked me to videotape his fathers birthday party just 5 days after my first surgery. the scar's still so painful! he told me to not to come to his house often cuz he wanted to play guitar, he told me that I better not around and stuff. and when I told him to get a job he'd yell back and cursed me. the first and second relationship were hellish. They almost never visit me anyway so there's almost no difference being single or in relationship. I stay alone. Sometimes they'll act nice, but only on a super rare occassion. after being nice for the shortest times they'll revert back to their actual selves. gawd, why it's always people that I love who do cruelest things on me? what did I do wrong? I just really really hope that someone would love me because I'm already losing a warm mother figure! seriously though I'm crying while writing this.