put an end to my sorrowful life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Claudia Lauw, Jul 4, 2016.

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  1. Claudia Lauw

    Claudia Lauw Member

    I stumbled here from google via "I wish to die" keyword, so yea here I am.
    You can call me Claudia, I'm female, 28 years old, and I have a decent reason to kill myself (should there be any good reason for it in the first place).

    How I feel at the moment? daily suicidal thought, I can't stop thinking how I'd kill myself everyday, it's so depressing. I feel totally alone, I mean it, I'm literally alone. I feel like no one consoles me and life's getting unbearable and the world is too cruel.

    What cause my depression?
    In a nutshell, there'd be two main reason: My mother is a really abusive person (both mentally and physically) and my beloved fiancee... he's passed away last year, he lost a battle with cancer, died in my arms.

    Long story be told. I recall the first time I wanted to kill myself was when I 15 years old. Before my parents got divorced, I live in a chaotic house. My mom, she is 'acually' a good person, but she just doesn't know that some things can really hurt me, verbally and physically. Like when he pushed me to drink vinegar through my nose, tying myself on the neck and put me on the yard...what, like an animal? pricking me with hot needle, dismissed me from the house and let me slept outside, and countless of curses and 'casual' slapping.
    I cried almost every night back then, asking God why my mother could be that cruel. I'm ok with casual slap, my dad would do that when I'm wrong. But I'm not okay when Mom just do things on her own accord, I did nothing and it feels like she just wanted to abuse me. it's totally unreasonable I don't even know what have I done that I deserved that savage treatment. My father is a kind person, but he didn't back me up when my Mom brutally beat me up. I don't know why.

    I'm so used to cry in silent every night so no one would notice me crying.

    One night, when I cried myself to sleep, something just came to my mind, like someone told me I need to perservere, that it's okay not to get love from a family. The voice said that every humans are born with love in their heart and they can always give it to others. Good reason, I think. It encourages me a lot for the next several years.

    When I was 20 years old, my parents decided to finally split up, My mom leaving the house and she claimed the family business house as her house. I decided to move to that house because I can't stand being on my old house anymore. My dad was having a fight with my brother everyday and it drove me crazy. My mom, you know, is not always that abusive, sometimes, rarely though, she'd cook for me (like several times in a year). I don't know why she's like that but what she did is unforgettable and it caused trauma.

    I thought my mom could finally be ok this time
    I thought my mom was so stressed that she needs to beat me up to relieve her stress
    I thought with the divorce she could finally be nice to me

    But I was wrong

    Soon after the split up she got a new boyfriend, and she moved with him leaving me all alone in the house. I got tricked.

    This is how my sad story really starts...

    From 20 years old and even until now, I live alone, all alone. so it's been 8 years? or maybe more.
    when my little sister come (rarely) my mom will come to the house to keep her company. but she didn't talk to me. It's so rare to see people around me (I live on third floor), the people that I'd usually get to see was the lunch/dinner delivery boy.

    when I was 23 years old, I was diagnosed with a tumor on my left breast and doctor told me it needed to be removed soon.
    My mom, to my surprise, was so angry to me and yelled at me. cursing me and told me that I'm not good enough to be a human, that I'm so prone to weird illnesses, and this and that.
    Oh God that time I was so scared myself because the type of the tumor hasn't been confirmed. there's a slight posibility that it would turn out to be cancer.

    I was freaked out. My mom keep on surpressing me and yelled at me everytime she met me. to make things worse, my granny pushed my mom to drop me to hospital every week, to which infuriated her even more. I'm done for sure, granny won't listen. I was hoping that a mother, you know, a mother figure, would somehow support you when you got sick. Anyhow in the end my surgery was a success and my mother would finally stop complaining, but that didn't last long.


    The next year, stress might has taken its toll on me. I was diagnosed with menorhagia and hyperplasia endometrium, causing me to bleed nonstop for a month. My blood HB dropped to 7.3 and I need to be hospitalized.

    Doctor told me that I'm chronically ill, that my heart is deteriorating and it's in a chronic condition already. EKG shows early stage of heart failure because my HB stays at 7 for a long time. I didn't tell anyone because I was so afraid that my mom will throw me a tantrum. And I didn't have enough strength to go to doctor all by myself.

    Anyway, I ended up getting a blood transfusion in a hospital for 3 days. that time, I was in relationship with this one guy for several months. He stayed with me in the hospital and his first comment was : "I have a headache omg it's so boring here theres nothing I can do" My dad came and told my bf to look after me because he can't (he's a very busy person).
    ok my BF stayed but he always complained about being boring. so I told him to just go, but he refused. I'm sad though because I was hoping someone would stay for me and took care of me, just for once oh God in my life time. without complain, what's the purpose of staying with me if he kept on complaining? :( On the third day he left without a word and so I had to order a taxi and went home all by myself from hospital... sad no?

    "as long as you can stand on your feet, you are not sick, so dont exaggerate" that what my mom said to me as I laid on hospital bed, getting transfusion, overwhelmed in sadness. I tried not to cry. the nurses asked me who was that, "my mother" I said. they didn't believe.

    My mother wanted me to marry this one rich guy
    but of course I rejected him already on a whim. I'd better be dead than marrying him
    that guy told me that he can 'buy' any woman with his money
    he also looks down on everyone, thinks that he's the best
    I'm sorry that I'd have to be this blatant, but his face looks like a blobfish. I told that to my friend and he agreed, we cracked to laugh.


    Now let's talk about my previous relationship.
    I was on my second relationship when I get hospitalized, it was a cancerous relationship . a dreary several months for me because I need to pick him up from here to there, he can't drive. So I'm taking the man's job. I mean it's ok to drive him here and there but he didn't seem to be thankful, it felt like I was only getting used. He didn't even said thank you everytime I dropped him off. I complained for that and you know what? He got angry at me. And when I can't pick him up he will get angry, even when the reason was me being sick, he just didn't care.
    When he was sick, I went off to the town at 3 a.m. looking for a medicine for him. I bought him some, hoping to see him be happy and and if possible, hearing a simple 'thank you'.
    I gave him the medicine, he briefly checked the bag, and tossed it away to the corner of the desk "what did you buy? I don't want this kind of medicine!" I bought him bodrex instead of panadol for flu...
    He always got angry to me for a small matter, he yelled and cursed me in a public for countless of times. he told me to look a job for him and make him his curiculum vitae and got angry when I didn't. He asked me to pay his phone billings and get angry when I late. He told to do many things for him and got angry again when I said I didn't want to have a sex with him at times. I feel like I'm being used. like I'm a toy. a cash machine, or sex toys? what's wrong if I don't want to have sex with him? should he be THAT angry?

    my first relationship was a living hell too. I spent 5 years with a wrong person.
    the PMS boy who get angry over smallest thing, this guy asked me to his house, telling me that he got sick. I told me I'll be there later. So because I live all alone and I need to do things -all by myself- I can't be his personal assistant who's available all the time so I told him I'll be there 'later'. He called me at 2 pm and I went to his house at 5, buying some food, juices, and medicine for him, arrived around 6ish pm.
    So yeah, he opened the gate for me in a bad manner, with annoying facial expression, telling me that I'm SO late and it's MY FAULT that he didn't get a lunch that day... what the heck. Then he slammed the juices (that I gave to him) to the road and yelled to me "YOU'RE THE SHITTIEST WHORE I'VE EVER MET!"
    other things, he asked me to videotape his fathers birthday party just 5 days after my first surgery. the scar's still so painful! he told me to not to come to his house often cuz he wanted to play guitar, he told me that I better not around and stuff. and when I told him to get a job he'd yell back and cursed me.

    the first and second relationship were hellish. They almost never visit me anyway so there's almost no difference being single or in relationship. I stay alone. Sometimes they'll act nice, but only on a super rare occassion. after being nice for the shortest times they'll revert back to their actual selves.

    gawd, why it's always people that I love who do cruelest things on me?
    what did I do wrong?
    I just really really hope that someone would love me because I'm already losing a warm mother figure! seriously though I'm crying while writing this.
  2. Claudia Lauw

    Claudia Lauw Member

    HELL had finally stopped
    or so I thought

    I made friend for someone for 3 years and one day he confessed to me.
    He's a simpleton, but very kindhearted and that didn't change even after I'm tied with him. he stays nice, kind, warm, and loving. He handled the worst of me.

    I was so happy

    Sometimes there'd be love quarrel, and part of it because me being selfish I know. But he is the first person who shows the 'guilt' for the wrong thing that he'd done to me. He is the first person who stayed with me when I was sick, without all the complains!!! For someone like me, who'd living alone for 8 years, combined with childhood-relationship trauma and loneliness, to have someone to stay with me lovingly when I was sick is really something. He brought foods for me and didn't mind to go over 15km just to meet me almost everyday, he said I was a lonely person and my heart is sick and he wanted to help me heal my deep wound. He knew. I know that I'm bit on borderline disorder type. And he told me it's okay and he wanted to stay with me. Even when my dermatitis broke out on my face, he loved me no less. I told him I looked so ugly with the dermatitis that it freaked me out just to met him. He cried and told me he missed me so much and gotta meet me no matter what happen. I was so stressed because of my atopic and perioral dermatitis, I wouldn't dare to go outside because my face were all scaly, patchy, red, and to top it off, it's freaking itchy. I bled my mouth just when I tried to smile. it hurts so much. But he stays with me that time. He put me first over anything. like I'm the most important person to him.

    we met so often, it's like a real relationship. omg I was so touched. And maybe because it's the first time someone would ever be so kind, so warm to me, I'm so all into him, I love him head over heels. And what makes me happy is that he loves me back just as much.

    things went well, I was so happy, really.

    I thought I could finally be happy
    I thought I could stop suffering
    I thought I'd finally be able to stop cry myself to sleep

    but I was wrong
    There's these weird cases several months before he died
    He told me that he won't live long enough to reach 30 years old, that was so spontaneous out of the blue.
    He told me that it's better for him to die first than seeing me die because he couldn't bear living without me. Well he always repeating this stuff over and over again that I get pissed on him. I told him we will live long together. He just smiled.
    One day, he told that he REALLY needs to meet me up in a middle of the night. it was 11pm. that time he was already diagnosed to have a NHML type of cancer. of course I refused because he's ill and he needs to stay on his place and take a rest. but he replied "who knows there won't be another day that I can visit you, it has to be now, please" I still told him no because I'm so worried about him. he oked anyway in disappointment.
    He told me that if he's gone, he wanted me to be happy.

    HOW CAN I?

    Later on august 2016, he called me on the phone, panicking, told me that he got a biopsy done and his nose won't stop bleeding and doc told him to use tampon to hold the blood. We did laugh on this tampon-nose thing and back to panick just a sec later. He was so scared waiting for the biopsy result.
    3 September 2019 the biopsy came out, stating that he is positive to cancer. a non-hodgkin malignant lymphoma (NHML) type. Stage still unknown. But the doctor still persist that he shouldn't visit an oncolog yet and that she was sure that it's not NHML but rather granuloma.

    I was devastated when he told me the result through the phone. I was petrified.

    I couldn't visit him either, we both sick, I was on my second month of menorhagia and it's bleeding nonstop for two months streak. I almost had no strength and walking feel like climbing up a hill, my HB depleted again to 7, My heart rate could strike 153 bpm and I felt like I was going to die. when I tried to go out for a grocery shopping I felt a serious burning sensation on my chest and my head, it feels like my heart is going to explode or something. and soon my vision got so dark I couldn't see anything. I really thought I was dying back then. All I could remember was hitting a vending machine before I collapsed. lucky me the security guardman saw me and helped me right away.

    I told him this over the phone and he told me that he will get a wheel chair for me so I can go out.
    I told him I wanted to go out and it's so stressfull to be alone in the house, and how I got so worried about his illness as well. We were waiting for his second lab report anxiously. For me it's almost like a death sentence for myself. I'm trembling in fear everytime I remember about it.
    I hope that I'm the one who get the cancer, not him. why him? why not me?
    If I die then it's all over. His parents divorced too but now he has a warm and loving family. so it really should not be him but me. because I don't have anyone else other than him, you feel me? He's my everything so I'm willing to give him my everything.

    4 september, he needed to go other town to get several things done, his mother asked him to. I'm relieved eventhough I know I'm gonna miss him badly but he'll be with his mother so I'm quite satisfied with that. Someone will take care of him that's what I thought.
    From that day onward, we make a phone call once or twice per day, not too long because I know he will need a rest. One day he told me that he needed to top up his phone bills, and couldnt go out because of the pain. So I bought him a voucher.
    usually, he'd thank me. I tried to call him but he didn't answer the phone. Two days later, he finally picked my call, to only said this "the pain is too excruciating, bye" he dropped the line.

    I was. so. devastated.
    I couldn't get any info about his condition or whatsoever I need it badly. The next day I tried to call him and his mother answered, telling me that he's still in excruciate pain.

    hell is real
    I got even more stressed out, utterly devastated to the fact that I can't get to meet him that time. I did ask for his new address but he always forgot. my holysmoke. I call almost all person in mutual friends with him to check on his new address. If only he stays hospitalized in my town I'd be glad I can reach him easily. but this? omg... I did plan to go to his town first and just walking aimlessly looking for him but that would be just foolish since I can't barely walk at all.

    12 Sept early in the morning, I'm slepless, I was freaking out, calling all hospital in Cirebon (his town), checking his name on patient list, zero result though. I panicked, but somehow managed to get his brother's number so I called him. His brother told me that he fell into coma yesterday and is still unconcious. Also told me that he'll get back the city where I live to get treatment in a hospital. I trembled over the news.

    I rushed to the hospital and waited on ambulance parking lot for 7 hours until he finally came.
    Finally at 7 p.m I saw him, on the strecher, in the ambulance.
    I staggering, trembling as I reached him. and soon broke into tears when I get to saw him, he's still alive...oh god. motoric movement was still active, but with zero response.

    His mother hugged me and told me to be strong and not to cry
    I'm trembling all over

    from 7 pm. He was submitted to emergency unit. His mother and father were busy with hospital document so only me staying with him. I stayed with him in resucitation room, annoyed the doctors with my nonstop question "is he okay?" "there's still hope right?".

    blood came out of his nose and mouth almost nonstop, I brought a big pack of tissue and wept the blood away with it. I cried, I asked God please don't take him yet I wasn't ready to say goodbye nor will I ever be ready for it. Please just let me be happy with him.

    I called his name several times, holding his hand. I told him to stay with me.
    He can't reply, there's only motoric movement, like his brain telling him to do so but no response at all. He had an obvious dyspnea and the blood just won't stop.
    I kept on calling his name, and you know what?
    everytime I call him, he cried.
    I think that's the only response I got. the tears.
    We both crying.
  3. Claudia Lauw

    Claudia Lauw Member

    I wish I could stop the time and be with him just like that.
    I don't mind if I have to stay forever with him like that frozen in time.
    lol childish wish. but still better than living without him

    We spent 3 hours in resucitation room because the ICU was full...
    I stay in silent, looking at EKG machine in distant
    I felt his hearbeat
    when it gets to slow the nurse would resucitate him
    I scrutinized his face, his fingers, his hair, his feet, everyhing in details. trying to engrave it into my brain so it won't disappear forever.
    I moved my hand gently over his hair.
    I felt like the world has come to an end everytime the nurse recucitate him. but his sixth recucitation was a fail, his heart rate dropped from 80, to 60ish, and then to 30ish, and then to 10ish. and stayed like that for a minute. The doctor finally checked on the clock and announced the death, 10.15 pm.

    I broke to tears loudly, his mother reached me and hugged me tightly, stating that we can have a plan but God's plan is fixed.
    I trembled all over, I felt like part of me has died too. I can't believe it. I wish it were all just a nightmare.
    I tried to reach him back as he died in my arms, I hold his arm, still warm... I checked the EKG was still beating on 10bpm. is he really dead? for real? NO!
    I screamed like crazy.

    I stayed with him in the morgue. Crying in pain, no believe what had happened.
    His mother and father got busy again with several documents.
    that time, I got frenzy and shouted
    who will be with me from now on? what if I miss you? who will be with me when I got sick? how can I live without you? you said you'll get a wheel chair and go with me for a walk. you will be there for me? I'm alone. oh god if only I could swap my life with him I'll gladly give up my life. I wish for God to take my life that time and ressurect him. But I know it was stupid.
    He's lying on hospital bed, in the morgue, just me and him
    I can't believe this is happening. I put my head on his shoulder and started to cry allover. hugging him.

    He was brought back and buried in his hometown.
    I stayed beside the coffin on his funeral day. sit there, watching his face closely, run my fingers through his hair, holding his arm... still dumfounded by the situation.


    Bad news didn't end there
    soon after that, my mom bought a new house and told me that I can't stay on her house.
    and the lease of my current house will soon expire.
    I needed a house to stay...
    she told me that I will die living alone because I couldn't do anything and because I couldn't measure up to a 'real' human. lol. I literally laughed. I've been alone for god's sake. for this long.
    I can't express my feelings when she's around (she'd be in the house when my lil sis came along) like 1 day per 1 or 2 weeks. The rest is me all alone in the house.
    but she mocks me everytime she's around, telling me that I'm crazy and I need to make an appoinment to psychiatrist. I really can't show my feeling especially about my deceased spouse. I've never ever showed my grieving tears in front of her!!!! but she still told me not to cry and said that I'm exaggerating things. it's just "SOMEONE DYING" she said, he is NOT your family. again, she told me that everyone thinks that I'm crazy. what the heck?

    anyway. 6 days after his burial I came back to my hometown, barely.
    and I was rushed to the hospital to get my annual blood transfusion because I'm already on my limit. I took 4 packs of blood that time.
    My mother got angry again at hospital, stating that I made things up about the illness, and I didn't have to be hospitalized. she cruelly shout at me that I'm just a burden for every people around me, that I should have approved the last marriage proposal from a rich (but with very bad attitude) man she knows, and took her to getting a facial surgery in Korea to be more beautiful.... Of course I rejected that proposal because I have someone I loved already and I don't give a f*** about being rich.
    the doctor startled and asked me if she was my real biological mother. I said yes. doc still won't believe that she asked 4 times behind the curtain.

    so yeah I was hospitalized again and my spouse's mother were there with me.
    I cried
    for the first time in my life I know how it feels to have a mother
    she peeled the apple for me
    she asked how I felt, "how do yo feel? u fell better? you want me to cut this for you? "
    even such a simple question, that would seem so normal for you, can broke me into tears.


    but things just doesn't last forever
    there's something that I couldnt explain due to privacy. but I didn't contact them anymore.
    Right now. I'm living all alone again.
    even more lonelier than before.
    some people tried to console me but it was a fake
    the first person was my spouse's friend.
    he called me often, asking my condition, but in the end he asked me to have sex with him
    he's nuts!

    my ex met me and told me I can talk to him
    I was afraid. though. but he seemed so sincere that time that I got deveiced.
    So I talked to him, telling him the whole story. and in the middle of it I get so emotional and I cried myself badly. He got irritated, he scolded me and told me to cry on my room.
    later I saw his text to his friend that I annoyed him with my stories. Though, at first he seems to be listening but sometimes later he got annoyed.

    I'm so sad
    I've lost trust in everything


    I tried to encourage myself. telling myself that if I could get past this I'd be ok, I'd be happy.
    that I could help others too later on, but heck how can I help others if I can't help myself?
    it's not as easy as you think. I shouted for help but nobody seems to care, ok they seem to care but with that wicked ulterior motives? I'm sick of it.

    I tried to talk to the nuns in the convent on my primary school area, they helped me a lot. I felt better. but it won't stay for too long. soon I'll revert back to my depressed state.

    Every single day
    I hope I'd die
    I hope someone would kill me
    I hope death will come in haste
    I just wanted to meet my spouse and that's all I need

    will I meet him if I kill myself?
    I'm so suicidal. I keep on thinking how to kill myself. I learned how to kill myself effectively over the internet. the intent is getting higher and higher by day. I seriously wish to die and put an end to this excessive pain and sadness.

    I know, even without you telling me that my spouse, as of course, wants me to keep on living
    but it's not easy.
    It's diabolic. I'm chronically ill but this illness won't kill me yet I know.
    and I need to do everything by myself all over again. I know I can. but I'm sick of it
    nobody is designed to live alone.

    wait for someone? no
    I can't erase my spouse nor I'd ever want to get over with it. I want to be with my spouse and only him. I know that this is irrational but I can't help myself. For me it's different.
    how then I could be happy?
    let time heals me?

    "This pain of losing you doesn’t heal. It eventually gets numbed by the challenge of getting on with life with a part missing, but the thought of you is always just below the surface."

    I'm tired of crying
    the world is a living hell already
    world is so cruel
    and life is getting unbearable

    thank you for reading my story...
    I'm sorry that I made it to be a long read...

  4. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Hello Claudia, welcome to the SF. thank you for sharing your story. You have had some very lovely and heartbreaking experiences and I am sorry you are at this point in your life that you feel you are in hell. I know what that feels like. I like to quote John Milton a lot. The mind it its own place and in itself can make life a hell or a heaven.. that sums it up. I do wish you happiness for the future and want you to know, you can come to me or others if you need to talk.

    MisterBGone likes this.
  5. Claudia Lauw

    Claudia Lauw Member

    @Brittless: thank you for reading and replying, it means a lot to me. to sum it up I'm homeless, chronically ill, and lost someone who's important to me. that's in a nutshell. and I'm still battling my suicidal thought.
  6. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    I too am ill. If you ever feel like talking about the illness, I can offer support in that area.
    MisterBGone likes this.
  7. Claudia Lauw

    Claudia Lauw Member

    Nah it's okay. If my illness kills me that would be better, that way I don't have to bear the sin of killing myself. the only thing that holds me back is my Dad. he'll be the one who'll cry at my funeral and I don't want that. but I don't want to live another day either I'm so messed up...
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