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Put In A Bit Of An Uncomfortable Situation

StrangeRanger

Just Another Wandering Poet
#1
I've been doing well with not letting things get to me but recently something has happened that's a bit upsetting & leaves my mind a bit in shambles...


I sometimes spend time with my boyfriends mother, I love her like family & usually we have pretty decent conversations. Shes a drinker which I usually can tolerate but her comments lately have been very very very trying...

Somehow my ethnicity has been brought into the equation... to my surprise & out of nowhere shes told me 'Appreance wise I'm not what she wanted for her son.' It was explained to me she originally wanted to see him with someone who looks drastically different than I do. I have a tan complexion being mixed race, dark hair.. the ideal image she expected was someone but pale, Auburn red hair & must have glasses. Details to the T. Even explaining the style she would wear, etc. Just going over it gets to me a bit... I dont know how to confront this. I was already getting used to constantly hearing how I look "too thin & starved", & now this too. It's happened quite a few times now. The first couple times, I kinda laughed it off, knowing booze is booze & people can say the darndest things but my overthinking has me questioning it with the multitude of it mentioned almost days in a row; is there an underlying truth to it? I have in fact tried mentioning it to mellow out the problem only to be told I look too much into it & shes kinda just laughed claiming 'I'm a bitch, it's what I do'.Never ever thought of her that way, & with my respect I still do not think that about her... I was told I'm not allowed to bring it up to anyone (by her), especially not my bf but I dont quite like being told constantly I cant express my true emotions. My boyfriend doesn't know what to do about it with how other conversations have gone. Am I wrong for being upset about this? With how blatant she was I think anyone would be a bit taken aback but I dont know... is there a way I can confront this a bit better, especially with such a bold personality?
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#2
One important thing here which is probably going to sound stating the obvious, but what counts is what your BF thinks of you, not necessarily his mother. It seems to be quite the common running theme, a mother being 100% approving of their offspring's chosen bf/gf. To them they will always have some pre-determined expectations cooked up in their heads. Expectations which usally go beyond reasonable thought and so dissapointment hits.

Drink can be quite the leveller at times, as shown here with your bf's mother dropping all forms of diplomacy and going on the attack by stating her thoughts which ok could have been exaggerated by the drink. What she has said is certainly harsh and also with her forbidding from discussing it with anyone else is indicative of controlling behaviour.

You have every right to be upset about this as anyone else would, and of course this does need to be confronted before it develops any further. For if it carries on, then there's a risk of a wedge being driven between you and your BF. Best initial approach would be to discuss with her your feelings and discomfort when she speaks this way, - obviously do so when she is sober! You can if you so wish also outline to her that it is her son which you are dating and not her. Ideally, this does need to be discussed with your BF's input. The fact that she doesn't want it brought up with others implies a sense of knowing that she is in the wrong as well as her trying to exert a domineering influence over you.

It is hard on how to exactly broach this subject with her, especially taking into account her personality, but in my opinion (for what it's worth) you may need to be forthright on this and state strongly your feelings about this.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#3
I agree parents seem to never be happy with who their children date. My mother-in-law considered me a thug, and discouraged her daughter from seeing me. But I don't think confronting the mother or even trying to discuss the problem with her a good idea. I am afraid it would just escalate into something bigger. Suggest you ignore and forgive making your conversations with her less and less.
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#4
I wouldn't confront it because I don't see any point in speaking to people like that. She sounds ridiculous. Sorry. The only underlying truth to her statements is that she's a... you know... for having preset expectations like that in the first place. If anything, speak to your boyfriend about it to see what he thinks of you, because at the end of the day, what his mom's opinion is really does not matter compared to what his opinion is.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#6
Wow, sorry but to say crap like that she really does sound like a bitch. I would be so upset by comments like that.

I honestly don't know if I'd confront her or not. I'd like to think I would but in reality I'd probably chicken out. And to be honest it might be better if your bf confronts her about it rather than you. That way it shows that she can't control you by insisting you don't tell him and it lets her know that your bf won't stand for it.
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#7
Wow, sorry but to say crap like that she really does sound like a bitch. I would be so upset by comments like that.

I honestly don't know if I'd confront her or not. I'd like to think I would but in reality I'd probably chicken out. And to be honest it might be better if your bf confronts her about it rather than you. That way it shows that she can't control you by insisting you don't tell him and it lets her know that your bf won't stand for it.
Agrees, with it being both you and your boyfriend he also is being put on the spot. The choice then becomes how much control should she be allowed to exert.
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#8
I was told I'm not allowed to bring it up to anyone (by her), especially not my bf but I dont quite like being told constantly I cant express my true emotions. My boyfriend doesn't know what to do about it with how other conversations have gone.
Was just rereading this thread and I guess I didn't really process this part of it my first time through. So you're saying that your boyfriend doesn't know about her saying that to you?
 

StrangeRanger

Just Another Wandering Poet
#9
Was just rereading this thread and I guess I didn't really process this part of it my first time through. So you're saying that your boyfriend doesn't know about her saying that to you?
I did mention it to him, yes. I was kinda startled when she told me I couldn't say anything to him. He's said it's just how she is. I dont really like that in all honesty, part if me feels like it needs to be discussed especially all living under the same roof, theres too much tension with the stuff that hasn't been talked about between them already, but I can see how confronting it wouldn't do much.. you cant get far chatting with a wall I suppose...


Thanks for the advice everyone, it's an odd & complex situation to me. The most shes usually been is passive aggressive when sober, always is kinda. This is kinda new, even with her drinks prior shes been more emotional about past stories n such. Very out of no where
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#10
Passive aggressive when sober and then blunt when drunk are two sides of the same coin.
Depending on your personality, her opinions will affect you .
Trust me ,the lady has issues and is projecting her unresolved pain onto you ,it would be anyone dating her son .
Get out of there if you can or atleast have a plan to get out ,take it from me it won't get much better .
Peace.
 
Last edited:

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#11
So she basically told you that you're not what she wants for her son and then when you get upset about it, justifies it by saying she's a bitch so it's ok for her to say bitchy things? And your bf's reaction was to say 'its how she is' and dismiss it? If no-one calls her on her behaviour then she's just going to continue. She's got a ready excuse (that and the booze) so she'll keep doing it. And what exactly is she going to do if you DO talk to people about it? Be an even bigger bitch until you lie down and do as you're told?

The question is - are you prepared to take that over and over again and what will you feel if your bf continues to dismiss his mother's behaviour? At some point you'll probably feel betrayed by him that he hasn't sided with you on this, hasn't defended you from her - chosen YOU over HER. And that will either hurt or kill your relationship (or at least your feelings for him).

As @LOSTINSIGHT said, it won't get much better.

Take care and good luck.
 

StrangeRanger

Just Another Wandering Poet
#12
Thank you guys for your insight, I really appreciate it all. Luckily, we managed to intervene & discuss it like adults before the holidays. All in all shes stopped drinking & we have definitely been in better lights & communication thank goodness. It turns out she wasnt fully aware of her part due to also having to take benzos daily, so theres a lot she didnt fully realize. She apologized sincerely about it all as well. Theres still some road bumps when it comes to perspective but uts more with my boyfriend, but I have confidence since this big road block is out of the way, there is definitely hope for solution. Again, I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to hear what I have to say, truly. *grouphug2
 

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