Put it out for good

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by annie-crafts, Jan 25, 2009.

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  1. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    "I got this spark, I got to feed it sumthing or put it out for good." - Amy Ray

    I want to put it out for good.

    I was just at a show to see one of my fave performers. The band was so alive and so passionate. And for every ounce of passion they had, I had an equal amount of passion to "put it out for good." Cuz I don't even know if I have a spark anymore and if I do, I don't know what to feed it.
  2. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    hey hun :hug: sorry you're feeling so low/confused
    if you ever need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM me okay :heart:
    laura x
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    You will find it, keep searching. It is within you, you will find it and feel it again. Your life will ignite and you will feel the passion because you could feel it in others, which means it resides within you as well.

    It is hard to be surrounded by so much energy though when you feel like you are without such a force in your life. It is easy to get discouraged, and start to surrender to the frustrated and hopeless feelings. But don't. Stop. And realize that the pain you are feeling from your experience tonight is trying to tell you something, teach you something about yourself, and the ways in which you may need to grow. You have the gift of insight to recognize your struggle and give voice to it, and now you only need to accept it and work through it. I have faith that you can do it, I hope you believe that you can do it as well.

    You are not alone in this fight. Don't give up. Keep striving forward.


  4. porcelain child

    porcelain child Well-Known Member

    I am sorry things are tough right now...

    But remember things will get better in time...

  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Annie,
    I have to agree with swimmergirl she has hit the nail right on the head. You care about others so much. That is a major positive thought!! Hold onto it and build from there. We all care what happens and you know you can talk to us. Always here for you!!~Joseph~
  6. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    thanks swimmergirl and joseph and the rest of you :blink:

    it was just such a blow to go and be around this amazing band that inspires me. she sings about all kinds of struggles (global and personal) and how to overcome and I relate to her music so so much. usually it inspires me, "re- ignites me" (if you will).

    but standing there, feeling empty, like a void, nothing, vast nothingness. it was so unexpected. at times i was almost crying and i was trying so hard to catch some of that passion. i was right in front of the band, seeing them so on fire, trying to catch a spark, and i'm a cold wet blanket. i got so depressed and suicidal. i just feel/felt like i would never have any passion back in my life. i used to have alot of passion.....i just can't seem to find it anymore.

    i just can't describe the emptyness that i felt in the middle of this amazing energy. it was so painful. and i hardly ever go out anymore, so this was a big deal to go out and be around a bunch of people and face my anxiety. i don't know, like i said, i just can't describe what it felt like to be standing there feeling completly empty and depleted. it was like i was in a fire, but not feeling the heat or flames or anything and i was going to die of smoke inhalation, but didn't even notice.

    and it just doesn't make sense that something that is supposed to be fun and uplifting, was the oposite.

    and to make matters worse, i'm having a terrible time sleeping. my mind is racing racing racing (i'm bipolar). i know that i don't think straight when my mind is like this, but i'm depleted. i'm so tired of seeing the world around me full of life and i feel nothing. the sun shines where i live everyday and i hide inside because it's too bright and i'm not used to seeing light, just darkness. it "hurts" too much to be outside in the sun, surrounded by light, i don't know how to describe it. it's like i'm not worthy of the light, only darkness.

    so, like you said, i will look for meaning and an opportunity to grow. that seems to be what keeps me going. although i get tired of having to find "meaning" in every single bad F***ing things that happens.

    -annie :unsure::unsure::unsure::blink::blink::blink: :dead:
  7. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I can hear how angry and frustrated you are by this experience and how it feels like it is never going to change. I am right there with you, feeling the same way, feeling lost and pissed off about it and feel like the world is passing me by and I can't do a damn thing about it. It is enough to push any person to the edge. Your frustration and hopeless feelings are all legitimate so you have to honor them, feel them and then let them go.

    I wept when I read your description of the following:
    That has happened to me when I have been out before with friends or at events, that exact same feeling and it SUCKS and I have cried right there in front of people, right there amidst all the joy and fun, I was sobbing because I could not feel those things, because I was mourning the loss of those feelings. I think you are very courageous to admit that you are feeling this way, to talk about your fears and be so honest about your feelings. And you did go out and take a big risk, and I hope you are proud of yourself for accomplishing that even if it resulted in these difficult feelings. The only way out of this is to keep moving forward.

    I wish there was another way, I wish I had a magic wand to make all the hurt go away, but I don't and I can't. And, no, I don't think you need to search for meaning in EVERY thing that happens, but sometimes you do have to take a step back and reflect on how you think about things and challenge your own thoughts and beliefs. Depression robs us of so much energy, you are stronger than you think you are, you are a fighter, keep fighting. I am here and I am thinking of you.

  8. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I just want to feel something besides emptyness, nothingness and deep dark sadness.

    Thanks for the encouraging words. If i do take that step back, the show was really good. maybe that flicker will grow.

    sometimes i just don't know how to move forward and feel like i'm going backwards, backwards, backwards, drowning in my own tears, negative thoughts and lonliness.

    my thoughts race and race and race, but i don't really have anything to say.

    Depleted, worn down, trambled on again.

    I can tell you understand. It feels better knowing that i'm not complety alone in this.

    -annie :blink::blink::blink:
  9. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    You are not alone.

    When I first posted here a couple of days ago, I felt so alone I thought it was going to kill me. And just posting and reading other peoples post has helped me so much, it creates a connection that I need right now, one that I am unable to make with people in my life because unless you have suffered from depression or suicidal feelings it is very difficult to understand or relate to how it feels.

    So, your struggle is your own, but in many ways it is shared by others. I think a lot of people can relate to what you are saying. And just by saying it, you are moving forward, you are making a choice to fight it, to challenge it by not letting the feeling keep growing in your head and race more out of control. I think by writing about it, or talking about it, it becomes less controlling and scary and powerful. You begin to gain control over it eventually, it does take time though.

    One thing my therapist tells me, and I HATE hearing it, is about how recovering from this is a PROCESS, that therapy itself is a process. She is right though, as much as I hate to admit it. I think of my own life and my own battle with depression as being stuck in a deep hole, and I am trying to crawl out. I am not out of the hole yet, but I am not at the bottom of the hole anymore either. I cannot always see that, others that are not stuck in the hole though can see me slowly climbing my way out and see my progress when I can't and I have learned to trust their perspective when mine is cloudy because it gets pretty damn dark in this hole most of the time. For a long time though I did not even bother to climb out of the hole, I just laid there at the bottom of it, and you know what, that was fine, that is where I was meant to be, I think that is what depression is telling us, to stay put, to sometimes just listen to it and embrace it and when you are ready, you start climbing.

    So enough of my quirky analogy about a hole, just thought I would offer a different perspective for your consideration. It does not make what you are feeling any easier, or lessen your pain at all, but I hope you get some relief from knowing that there is still hope despite how bad you feel right now. Keep talking and feeling, even if it hurts, just get it out and give it a voice even if it does not make sense, just say whatever you feel.
  10. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member


    Everything thing that you said makes so much sense and most of it others have told me also or i've figured it out on my own. But thanks for the reminder.

    It's a long process and i fell down the hole, but have to keep climbing and climbing.....

    And you are right, I am not alone. thanks again.

  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Annie,
    I am glad you are at least feeling a little better. I have faith you will get past this. If you need anything feel free to PM me I am always here for you!!~Joseph~
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