Pyro Pleasure = gateway drug?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Bud Leaf, Jun 23, 2007.

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  1. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    I am 19 years old, I always have a lighter on me, im a chain smoker and same goes with marijuana. I'm one of the nicest, most relaxed person any of my friends have met, i am good looking, perfect build, and my breath smells good. But no one really knows who i am for real, i just act a part as if it was a movie when im around others, but when im alone my consience speaks a different, self hating, suicidal fiery death language. At that stage every night, i pull out my light, heat it up for a couple minutes and sear my flesh willingly and smile while i do. i am covered with 1x1 inch scars, quarter shaped red cigar looking scars. few of them became infected leaving the ugliest scars, the kind that girls dont like, but i enjoy this, the pain, i do it for the pain, self controlled pain, i can take the lighter off my arm whenever i want, but i dont want too. the other night i burned myself 8 times in a row and 2 in the same spot to try and feel the most pain i could. today it was an exacto knife on my desk i accidently brought home from work. i turned on some beethovens fur elise and took the exacto knife with 100% suicidal intentions but I seem to be lacking the most important ingredient, a reason for this. How can a person so full of life and love want the opposite for themselves. Me being addicted to self harm lead me to the suicidal area today, not wanting to to die because of depressed feelings, but wanting to inflict an absolute pain onmyself for the ultimate satisfaction, pain being the cousin of death. There is definatley a large suicidal part of me, but it isnt skin deep, everyone knows of my lighter addiction and thats its ok with them and me, but still dont even see the dark me. I believe i may be suffering from a split personality disorder, but it feels much more like another soul inhabiting my own, desperatley trying to free itself by any means, and he is the one enjoying this. This is only when i am alone, and always, when im alone.

    - The world could always use a little more green -
    Andrew Green (Bud Leaf)
  2. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    Maybe it's the weed.
  3. Twisted Sweet Lies

    Twisted Sweet Lies Well-Known Member

    That comment kind of pissed me off. Weed does not make people self harm. I know many people who do drugs but don't self harm. I also know many who self harm and don't do drugs.

    Bud Leaf you said you hate yourself. So do you think your burning is sort of like a punishment? I use to cut myself as a punishment.
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