It seems to me like there's so much bloody pressure these days. Like we're hardly even born before our parents start saving up our college funds. We're barely out of school before big corporate companies want to snap us up and mould us into this perfect little slave. And if we haven't even had a girlfriend by the time we're 25, we're screwed. I'm 22 now and I dropped out of 2 colleges (my own bloody fault I guess but I can't help but think if I'd have been in a better state of mind then I would've stuck it out and actually gotten something out of it), I've never had a girlfriend (or at least in the real world) and the only job I've had is stacking shelves at a Toys 'R' Us where I was let go almost as soon as I stepped in the door. I feel...like crap...like I haven't accomplished anything and never will and now it feels like I'm in panic mode because I'm desperately rushing to try and sort out my life while there's still a little bit of time left. You know in the movies where the hero is running away from the villain and his goons? And they press the button for the shutter to come down? And the hero knows that he has to slide under that shutter to safety on the other side, and the gap is getting narrower and narrower and narrower? Well, that's what it feels like. I am trying to remain positive and I'm trying to be more confident in myself but it's as if all the positive self talk in the world won't do me any good. I say to myself "S'ok. Some things just take time. You're a late bloomer. You'll get there eventually." and I repeat that over and over to myself in my head before I go to sleep at night...and it worked the first few times but now I'm getting impatient and I'm panicking. I got so wound up over the lack of a girlfriend thing the other night that I went and registered on a dating website for those with depression and anxiety and other mental illness...and I even feel lost on there too. Like...I'll do a search and there seems to be no one in my area or no one who shares any of my interests or anything. And a few I feel I might like if I got to know them better...so I suck it up and try to take the initiative to contact them first...but I get no reply. So I'm thinking "Great, I can't even fit in here! There is NO ONE out there for me!" The reality of it all is sinking in further and further that I'm going to be alone forever. No friends. No girlfriend. Nothing! So should I just give up and accept my defeat? It never used to bother me but lately all I see is couples in public...it's like some prankster God is teasing me, damn it! And getting a damn good chuckle out of it too! I'm not really religious nor am I atheist but if there is a God then it seems like he really really wants me to be lonely. And I know I don't NEED a girlfriend or anything to feel validated and that I should love myself. I'm getting a little better at believing in myself...not perfect but...I don't beat myself up ALL the time anymore......but some days it just really gets to me! Yeah, being all confident in yourself and doing crap for yourself is all well and good but let's admit it...when you are alone looking from the outside in, IT. S-U-C-K-S! No two-ways about it. I can't go around thinking "Oh, I'm still alone HA HA but oh HA HA at least the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and babies are smiling because I'm alive! OH AIN'T LIFE JUST GRAND! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GOD CREATIN' MORNING!" *Goes around hugging everyone I come across* It's a bitter pill to swallow.......ESPECIALLY when former friends who haved f'd me over and toyed with my emotions like it's some kind of game....THOSE people find people! My older brother who is the f'ing epitome of everything I DO NOT want to be in my life...who bloody...claims he loves his girlfriend and then goes and screws around behind her back or comes home saying "I'm with a moron!!" HE can get someone! ITS. NOT. FAIR! It's totally screwed up! I'd friggin' like a bit of company every now and then. But I feel like there is no one out there who is on the same wavelength as me. I've tried lowering my standards. That hasn't worked either. I just plain and simply don't connect with people. I don't mesh together with anyone. And they don't want to know me. I can be me but there is no one out there who appreciates me for me. And I've tried "faking it til I make it" - that's a load of BS too! Maybe I should become a monk.