"Quarter" Life Crisis

[SAVE_ME]

It seems to me like there's so much bloody pressure these days. Like we're hardly even born before our parents start saving up our college funds. We're barely out of school before big corporate companies want to snap us up and mould us into this perfect little slave. And if we haven't even had a girlfriend by the time we're 25, we're screwed.

I'm 22 now and I dropped out of 2 colleges (my own bloody fault I guess but I can't help but think if I'd have been in a better state of mind then I would've stuck it out and actually gotten something out of it), I've never had a girlfriend (or at least in the real world) and the only job I've had is stacking shelves at a Toys 'R' Us where I was let go almost as soon as I stepped in the door.

I feel...like crap...like I haven't accomplished anything and never will and now it feels like I'm in panic mode because I'm desperately rushing to try and sort out my life while there's still a little bit of time left. You know in the movies where the hero is running away from the villain and his goons? And they press the button for the shutter to come down? And the hero knows that he has to slide under that shutter to safety on the other side, and the gap is getting narrower and narrower and narrower? Well, that's what it feels like.

I am trying to remain positive and I'm trying to be more confident in myself but it's as if all the positive self talk in the world won't do me any good. I say to myself "S'ok. Some things just take time. You're a late bloomer. You'll get there eventually." and I repeat that over and over to myself in my head before I go to sleep at night...and it worked the first few times but now I'm getting impatient and I'm panicking.

I got so wound up over the lack of a girlfriend thing the other night that I went and registered on a dating website for those with depression and anxiety and other mental illness...and I even feel lost on there too. Like...I'll do a search and there seems to be no one in my area or no one who shares any of my interests or anything. And a few I feel I might like if I got to know them better...so I suck it up and try to take the initiative to contact them first...but I get no reply. So I'm thinking "Great, I can't even fit in here! There is NO ONE out there for me!"

The reality of it all is sinking in further and further that I'm going to be alone forever. No friends. No girlfriend. Nothing! So should I just give up and accept my defeat? It never used to bother me but lately all I see is couples in public...it's like some prankster God is teasing me, damn it! And getting a damn good chuckle out of it too! I'm not really religious nor am I atheist but if there is a God then it seems like he really really wants me to be lonely.

And I know I don't NEED a girlfriend or anything to feel validated and that I should love myself. I'm getting a little better at believing in myself...not perfect but...I don't beat myself up ALL the time anymore......but some days it just really gets to me! Yeah, being all confident in yourself and doing crap for yourself is all well and good but let's admit it...when you are alone looking from the outside in, IT. S-U-C-K-S! No two-ways about it. I can't go around thinking "Oh, I'm still alone HA HA but oh HA HA at least the sun is shining and the birds are chirping and babies are smiling because I'm alive! OH AIN'T LIFE JUST GRAND! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GOD CREATIN' MORNING!" *Goes around hugging everyone I come across*

It's a bitter pill to swallow.......ESPECIALLY when former friends who haved f'd me over and toyed with my emotions like it's some kind of game....THOSE people find people! My older brother who is the f'ing epitome of everything I DO NOT want to be in my life...who bloody...claims he loves his girlfriend and then goes and screws around behind her back or comes home saying "I'm with a moron!!" HE can get someone! ITS. NOT. FAIR! It's totally screwed up!

I'd friggin' like a bit of company every now and then. But I feel like there is no one out there who is on the same wavelength as me. I've tried lowering my standards. That hasn't worked either. I just plain and simply don't connect with people. I don't mesh together with anyone. And they don't want to know me.

I can be me but there is no one out there who appreciates me for me. And I've tried "faking it til I make it" - that's a load of BS too!

Maybe I should become a monk.

 

[icequeen]

wow, lots of emotions going on there..and i am not in a brilliant space myself now to soak it up but i didnt want your post unanswered.

first of all, you are only 22...jeepers..your life is only just starting...so what if you dont have gf...not a crime or unusual.

the issues you seem to be dealing with are affecting how you see your life and you will project these emotions to those you meet. dont place so much emphasis on what your friends are doing, everyone is different, deal with one thing at a time, dont expect it all to fall into place at the same time.

maybe your lack of self belief / confidence is picked up by those you meet, and it scares them off...no matter how nice you are. relax, focus on your good points, be confident and things might change.

dont compare yourself to others, partic like your brother...he is obv confident and can charm the birds from the trees, or the women he meets are weak.

you are you, believe in yourself. :hug:

 

[Mr. E]

I have felt everything that you're saying man. I'm 22 as well, and I get to watch everyone else around me, all well-adjusted and what not, continue to improve their happy lives. It is true that there is a lot of life ahead of you, at least that what people say to me all the time. So maybe there's something to it...

I work through some of these issues by making plans. I set a goal and I systematically put together a formula to achieve that goal, piece by piece, whether it be finding a partner, getting a good job, school, etc. I focus on achieving the next piece little by little, convincing myself that the end result will be mine if I do so. And then Boom! Accomplishments ensue

This formula isn't foolproof by any means, and there will certainly be setbacks along the way, but you just have to keep pushing forward. I heard a quote once during a lecture by a notable professor: "Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things."

 

[ConfusedSilence]

I totally get what you feel about falling behind everyone else. I've never had a significant other either. I guess we just have to have faith that there's someone out there who's made for us. I'm hoping that I'm still waiting on him because if I've already met him, or, even worse, if he's who I think it is then it's never going to happen. He'd never look twice.

As far as the college thing goes, 22 isn't too late. Work out your dream, then go get it. Determination is going to get you far.

Hope I helped.

If it's any consolation the "monk" thing made me laugh.

 

[black_rose_99]

I can completely empathise with everything you have just written. If it makes you feel better, I'm 26 and people keep telling me I'm young, I want to believe that, but if I'm young with my whole life ahead of me at 26, then you have a few more years to go

I've had that feeling of being surrounded by couples all the time too. Everywhere you look there are couples - kissing in the park, friends who are hooking up with randoms, friends who are getting together with people. But there's this thing called a confirmation bias - basically, if that's the evidence you're looking for, you'll find it. You're wrapped up in looking for this for yourself, so all you see are the people around you that have that, and probably fail to notice the old guy in the park by himself, or the friends who aren't hooking up with randoms, or all the other single people in your life.

Dating websites are a valid means to meet people. Whether or not you choose to join ones that are about mental illness, or "mainstream" ones, personally I think they're a good way to meet people. I know several people who have started relationships on them. I've been on mainstream ones where I will tell people about my struggles, but not until I'm comfortable with it. It takes courage to make the first move there, and remember as well that some of those ads might be old, some might be looking for different people etc. I'm terrible for not communicating back - if I'm not interested I won't bother trying to communicate and that's one of the things about online dating - there's no face to face contact for awhile, so I feel less guilty not returning emails, winks, whatever. Please don't take it personally. I'm not sure why you don't feel like you fit in there, but I wonder if you feel any different in bars - perhaps you're already in a somewhat negative frame of mind and it's your perception you don't fit in there, rather than actually not fitting in there. Not sure if that makes sense.

Anyway, I'm being a great big fat hypocrite here because I have the same fears and anxieties you do - never meeting anyone, being alone etc. The other day I freaked out about who would walk me down the aisle - and there's not even a potential speck of a boyfriend on the horizon. I guess it's natural. And not a fear that can easily be alleviated with cliches. I'm told the trick is to focus on what you do have - relative health, a job, friends etc.

Someone above suggested they make plans. I think it's good in theory but don't make plans for things you can't control. You can't control falling in love or being with someone. You can control going to places where it might be more likely that you can meet someone.

On the "what to do with my life front" - I'm not much good there. I did a four year university degree and so far have used exactly zero of it. Most people change careers a few times, and some don't figure out what they want until they've had a bit more so called "life experience". Don't force it. I still have no idea what to do with my life, and wonder if I ever will. C'est la vie.

For what it's worth, you sound like a very intelligent, put together guy. And a way nicer person than your brother!

 

[SAVE_ME]

This is just how I feel every so often. I've been trying to take a bit of time to work on myself since the start of the year and to not see any results so far just makes me feel really impatient.

Ok, realistically, 22 is still young. I will probably (hopefully) have a lot more years ahead of me but it just feels as if we're rushed through life basically, and that there's so much pressure to have a partner or a good job by a certain age. Companies bloody turn people down who are in their 30's and quite willing and able but because by then they've already formed their own opinions about life and such and are deemed as "set in their ways". They want people who they can mould themselves and make them who they want them to be.

As for partners/spouses/significant others...I just fear being a 40 year old virgin by the time I make it to 40. I fear that no girl would ever come near me once she knows about my lack of relationship experience. I know it's not meant to be a race but it feels like it sometimes. Feels like everyone else made it across the finish line ages ago and I'm still struggling behind aaaallll the way in last place. There are people I was in high school with who have started families of their own. You know how depressing that is. To walk past some yobbo you knew in school who looks like he doesn't have the first fecking clue about parenting, baby strapped to his chest and cigarette in his mouth? "Oi, ow you doin, mate?" Me: "Uhhh.....fine? I see you're doing...uhh...well for yourself....family of your own now?" And then there's me who could give someone all the security and care they ever wanted and I could be a terrific father going by how I am with my nieces and nephew...but life doesn't really favour those who are "meant" to do something. Instead, it gets thrown onto somebody else who is going to use and abuse his privileges.

And when it comes down to it...race or no...I am bloody lonely....I just feel like I want some company for once. It's no fun wandering through life alone. I couldn't possibly stand waiting another 20 years to find some company. All I have is myself and sometimes that is just not enough. I want to feel loved and needed too.

I have been trying to hold all this in and suck it up and just carry on because no one around me wants to hear about it but some things just need to be said and I can't stand keeping it bottled up any longer.

I know I can be a great person and do great things with my life but I just never feel like I have any chances. Nobody's willing to accept me or let me show them what I have to offer and it's just getting a bit tedious, is all.

BTW: Thank you, black rose, for saying I seem like an intelligent person. Not a lot of people see any of these traits in me. Makes a nice change, thanks.

And thanks to everyone else who's commented too.

ConfusedSilence, glad the "monk" thing made you laugh lol but it's still a possibility for me to consider at this rate.