Queer little things

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bochelly, May 15, 2011.

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  1. Bochelly

    Bochelly New Member

    I'm not a classically depressed person as far as I can tell. I might be much more repressive, and it's causing me such bothersome feelings that I feel guilty for allowing myself to feel. I do feel extremely tempted to just not bother with dealing with upcoming problems, just like I always run away from crap.

    I've been in a partially long distance relationship with a lovely, beautiful, amazingly smart and funny English girl for two year. I'm an American lady, by the way. We are fantastic and we work so well together. But, she tends to be too smart for her own good. She'll read between the lines, begin imagining I'm doing things behind her back. I adore her. I forgive her when she bursts and says the absolutely most stinging, cruel, and upsetting about me in these random bouts of parania and rage. Normally, she's very calm and collected. I take it. I take it calmly. I remain cool and help her through those fits. She normally comes through.

    This time, I've upset her by assuming she was upset, and she took it as a sign of me doing wrong. Boy, I done put fuel on the fire :p. This time, she told me she trust me no longer. She "doesn't want the like of me" hanging around her family. That I'm not worth it. That the trip I've planned for a year and have paid for to visit her and her family in England is over. The emotional investments I've put into her. I don't let myself get close to anyone. I've never been so close. So happy. If I can't stop the most beautiful person I know from hurting because of me, well then I KNOW I am not worth it. Natually, everyone I know keeps reminding me of the trip. Keeps telling me how excited I must be. If I live, next month I'm expected to board a plane. There is no way I can admit to my parents that my "friend" is actually my girlfriend, and she dumped me. I would have to go. But what would I do alone? How would I be able to do anything? Everyone expects pictures of me and my love. At this point, I'd rather be dead then be outed and knowing no matter what I do I'll hurt her.

    Obviously there are other things I don't want to deal with other then silly romatic crap. Work, for one. A dead end 99 cents store that is extremely busy. There is nothing worse then doing your job, being completely reliable, not missing one day in the years you've worked, picking up slack for your coworkers, and being yelled at by customers every day when someone doesn't show up. It's begining to crack the walls I've put up. It sounds silly when I say I feel their eyes burning me when I'm left alone. They yell. They scream. They whine. They think that I' ruining their day on purpose, that the fact that there is a line of twenty angry and poor people buying crap doesn't bother me. Well. It bothers me more the crap I get for being consistant. I remain happy. I am always polite. I ignore the urge to cry when a custoner humiliates me and asks me why I am gaining so much weight and no longer look pretty anymore in front of ustomers and coworkers. That's what I get, what I deserve for wasting time and trying to be a better person. Good guys? They always finish last. Always.

    I want nothing more then to not be there for the next emotional crash I'm attempting to hold back. If my loved ones hurt because I am dead? Good. Lord knows I can never tell them how I feel, what I am, who I love. My love, if she doesn't believe me, will go on thinking I was insincere about my feeling for her. They were all so real. She'll hurt over imagined things. At least then they'll know I wasn't joking. My front of happiness really does work most times. I dare say it isn't even a front, and I am a chill and happy person. But these things, these things that will come to light next month, going through them will bring me NOTHING but unhappiness when the walls tumble down. I feel more numb then anything about my plans for suicide. If things are not resolved within a few days, I don't think I'll be able to save my pride or my heart. The method I have in mind seems so straightforward, that I fear it's just so easy I can go through with it in a flash. Holding out hope for a few more days, then maybe I'll attempt to get help. But help will bring light to my private feelings and problems that are private for a reason. Explaining myself to friends and family? Hardly seems worth it.

    I am really not used to ranting like this >>. It feels really strange to write it out. WALL OF TEXT<<.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope it has help you in writing it out release some the emotions you tend to hold in. i hope it has healed you some inside hugs
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sounds like you have many things driving this current crisis. sorry to hear things are not working out with your girlfriend. can you cancel or reschedule the trip? would suck to go all the way to england just to keep up appearances. mind you there are plenty of things to do in england, there are plenty of members from there on SF who can give you ideas. but i can understand why you don't want to go.

    now, about being out. i think things will seem much brighter for you once you come to terms with being gay and are able to come out. i've been out to all my friends and family for about 25 years and i've never regretted it. it was hardest to tell my sister but she has been so supportive over the years, even inviting my partner to her wedding and making her feel very welcome.

    a good therapist can work with you on being out. it's not as scary as you imagine it will be. and once you are out i'm certain you will feel less isolated.

    PM me if i can help in any way

    c
     
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    It's horrible when love falls apart like that - I feel for you there but hearts can heal.

    This young lady was maybe not the best for you - and these long distance relationships, I think they have more pressure in this day and age of hi tech communication. Communicating when you are not face to face is not ideal. It is perfect for here for example but for love to work you need to be with someone.

    Writing letters, people rarely said anything that was hurtful - but its best to know someone can be hurtful before you commit to them. You had not committed, not fully, but you've already found out aspects of her that don't live up to what you once thought her to be.

    Maybe it really is the end - but often as not you can say things to a lover and a week later your pining for them again.

    I respect your decision to keep your own counsel on your sexuality, after all its not really anyone else's business. That said, if you were my younger sister or something, I'd want you to be happy regardless of who you choose to fall in love with. In some ways if she was lesbian it would be a relief - no potential deadbeat dads or other assorted lowlife!

    A lot of men are nice - but I'm in my late 40s, I've seen too many bad men for me not to remain on guard were it concerns my loved ones.

    Anyhow, if you told your parents, what would they do? Or are they some kind of moralists, who would not want to know you? In my area, its not really an issue these days and I know quite a few women who live with other women. I know someone who just adopted a child with her partner. They got married, child they have is lucky as he is raised in a loving environment.

    Right now you think you will never meet anyone again and get that close but you will - actually a lot closer if you date someone a bit nearer to home next time!

    And you work in a 99 store? We have a 99p in the town but most are £1 shops now - sell a lot of Chinese stuff - but Its quite popular. Sorry to hear customers are rude to you - they would get a thump in my town and staff can refuse abusive customers.

    Bloody cheapskates, what do they want for 99 cents anyway? I'm always polite to people often women who work in shops - you do a GREAT job and I hope you get on OK with the other staff at least. I hate jerks who look down on people who work in low paid jobs - they are jerks - and at least your working, which is more than you can say for the perhaps drunken or drugged up clientèle who are so rude and obnoxious.

    If you bought a ticket to go to the UK - can you not transfer it or something? You can always make an excuse not to go if its easier.

    Suicide - its not an answer to something which is will pass. Losing out in love - it happens to many of us - and like you we all thought the one we loved was the most funny, intelligent and best thing that happened to us. You think you will never find it again, but love hides in mysterious places, in a million faces, as Jim Morrison of The Doors once told us all. It truly does - and I'm sure a real nice women like yourself will find herself someone else.

    My main concern is you getting some help - because being down from love is one thing but feeling like this is perhaps another.

    By the way, I recall a woman I was friends with who like you preferred other girls. She was very shy as I recall but met someone and so on. Later on I found out she was living with a man. I guess it happens.

    I know a few women who walked out on marriages, had kids, but took up with another woman. It is pretty common these days and it would be better, if you do meet someone else, or get back back with this other girl, if you could bring her out on nights out. That is what you do - and people who might talk behind your back, those people are there for all of us, be you gay, or depressed, or poor or whatever.

    Thing is - never to be like those people. No matter what you do at least you'll be the kind of person others like for a friend.

    Please do see a doctor over this depression, as I'm sure your suffering it be that a temporary reaction to the stressful event in your life or be it something you've had for a while which might have been triggered by the events and how you feel and so on.

    Some things you can keep to yourself - but depression and feeling suicidal are not those things.

    Hope you manage to get help and feel better soon. Go now and you might be feeling up to going to the UK for a week, seeing the sights and so on. Maybe you could compose an email telling her you will not be wasting the ticket - maybe things will be better by then - because, you really never know.

    My very best wishes, good luck and God bless also.

    PS, you come across as quite intelligent so I'm wondering are you getting an education and would that not give you a focus if you feel a tad better in yourself?

    Regards from England.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Could it be she has a guilty concouis..I mean there are thousands of miles between you and you only meet ever so often..You shouldn't beat your self up over this.. You sound like a nice person so you shouldn't have trouble finding someone else..I know right now thats the farthest thing from your mind.. I just wanted to let you know it is o.k. for you to feel good..
     
  6. Crash106

    Crash106 Member

    Long distance relationships seldom work out. I can't tell you what to do, but I would move on.
     
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