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Question about family

sadhart

SF Supporter
#1
This is hard to explain. I have my own apartment, but my job is not close enough to the bus line and so I stay at my great aunt's house. Well, it's more like the family house as my mother and cousin also live there. Even before I got my own apartment, I have never really felt comfortable being around my family (or people in general, but especially family). I tend to stay to myself in one room but I have to go and do things like to go to the kitchen. I wanted to get breakfast but doing so was difficult. My mother is kind of obnoxious as she makes....noise and by that she sings out of tune or makes little annoying comments about what she's doing. She hadn't finished making breakfast yet and so I went back to my room.

When I went back to the kitchen a little while later, another relative, my other cousin that lives across the yard from the family house was now talking to my mother in the kitchen. She has a tendency to just stay around for a long time. Sometimes when I have gone to get groceries and she's there, she will making these little jokingly comments about what I'm buying. She will ask me what stuff specifically and I just find myself feeling annoyed and not really wanting to talk. A part of me feels bad, but I just don't feel comfortable. I took a step back and went back to my room for a few minutes. I tried to tell myself how rridiculous I was being and mapped out how I would just get a couple of things to eat, put them on a plate and come back to my room. But now my cousin that lives here in the family house was now in there and all three were sitting down and talking (my great aunt is 97 and eats in the den area where the tv is). So I went back into my room.

After a while, I noticed my mother was in her room so I went back into the kitchen, but turned back around once I saw my two cousins still there. The cousin that lives in the family house yelled out to me to come in the kitchen and get what I wanted but i just kept walking back to my room. I find her to be really aggravating. She was living in another state until she got laid off due to what's going on in the world. But even before that, she seemed to not do much with herself. At one time, she was living with my mother in our old house for a couple of years. She lived in my old room. She eventually got a house of her own, but it got foreclosed after just a few months of moving in and she ended up staying in my old room for about three years. Maybe if she was younger like in her 20's or 30's this wouldn't be bad. But she is in her early 60's and despite having a master's degree in computer science, she chose to work in some dumbass megachurch I guess assuming this would offer financial security when it probably did for the greedy pastors and their inner circle(sorry for the rant but I had some negative experiences with that church.).

I feel like I'm gossiping or bad mouthing them and I know a lot of this is just me being asocial or whatever it is. But it is really hard being around them. My cousin that lives here just at times hovers in one place, mainly the kitchen. Or she will have the tv on in the living room which is now her room but be in the den area. And now she has taken to sleeping in the den at night, which is a bit irritating because some mornings when I'm getting ready for work, I will hit her feet as I'm walking by or run into the heater in the den, trying to avoid hitting her as I walk by.

I'm sorry for rambling and if this didn't make sense. I'm not really sure where I was going with this other than do other people feel just as uncomfortable around their families as I do?
 
#2
I think it's pretty common for people to not have good relationships with their families.

I have my own apartment
I wonder if you'd like it better if you got rid of the apartment if you're only staying there occasionally.

You might be able to stay in a hotel/hostel/b&b that's on the bus lines if your family is too much for you to take. You might also be able to save up some money that way.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#3
I think it's pretty common for people to not have good relationships with their families.


I wonder if you'd like it better if you got rid of the apartment if you're only staying there occasionally.

You might be able to stay in a hotel/hostel/b&b that's on the bus lines if your family is too much for you to take. You might also be able to save up some money that way.

No I'm sorry but that would not help at all. And a hotel would be ridiculously costly and unnecessary. I'm sorry but maybe I didn't explain all this the right way and I shouldn't have even tried.
 
#4
I'm sorry but maybe I didn't explain all this the right way and I shouldn't have even tried
I think it's good to talk about thing, please don't worry.

I'm just wondering what good it is to have an apartment if you don't often stay there.

It sounds like the main thing though is that you just wanted to talk about your family relationships, so I hope it's not side tracking things to ask about that
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#5
I think it's good to talk about thing, please don't worry.

I'm just wondering what good it is to have an apartment if you don't often stay there.

It sounds like the main thing though is that you just wanted to talk about your family relationships, so I hope it's not side tracking things to ask about that
I have been in that apartment for four years now. Initially I had a job that was on the bus line, but things happened and I ended up with a job not on the busline, but close enough to my family's house. While I don't know how long I will be in my apartment, one of the main reasons why I stay with it is because the area where I live has been an important part in my recovery as I have made connections and had opportunities to grow there. While it can be frustrating staying most of the week at my family's house, I try to be grateful that my mother is willing to help me get to work. More so, I have been making efforts all year to overcome my fear of driving. Staying at my family's house like this was never meant to be a long term thing.

But I do stay in the apartment just not everyday. When you said that, I just didn't understand why giving that up would help. Sorry.
 
#6
I'm glad the apartment has helped with your recovery.
I have been making efforts all year to overcome my fear of driving
I think it's good that you've been working at that. Fears can be hard to overcome, but it would be a huge accomplishment to overcome that fear, even aside from any practical issue about driving.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#7
I dont feel exactly the same way you do, but I think I understand, I am of course interpolating from bits and pieces of my own understanding of myself and human nature so please do tell me if I miss the mark,

You are a solitary person, you like to deal with people on your terms and only let in the non-annoying ones, most poeple grate against your nerves, but the few who dont you probably would get on well with in short and measured doses, its the feeling of being put upon by social nonsense that you cant stand, you dont view social stuff the same way many do, like a form of air, something you cant be without for too long and need to take in no matter how bad it is, you view social as just another input, an activity, (though you may suffer if you were totally isolated for too long) and you cant see the point in doing social which is unpleasant, just how I would never consider listening to music I find grating.

Your problem with family is the enforced familiarity and the obligation to interact and accept interaction. You would never accept a random woman standing in your kitchen butchering the art of singing and making comments about your food choices, but because she is family, she not only seems to has the right, you are somehow the bad guy if you complain, and the only reason for this is random chance of relation, if you just met her on the street there is no way in hell you would let her in your home, and if you were friends at some point, you probably would have ended the friendship by now, but because they have the "family" title, they are not only enforced friends, they are way more intrusive than friends. They live in your home, they try to control you socially, they know way too much about you, things you wish they didnt know, they stick their nose in your private business and its all done with a casual air like it is obviously acceptable, when deep down no one asked you.

[Last part is using my family as examples, you can skip this if you like]

I am somewhat stuck with my family too, but I have long since considered them for what they are, random people I was thrown together with for my entire life, we share a lot of personality quirks, but that happens when you spend so much time together.
Here is my family if they were not "Family"
- My dad is a pain in the arse, and a DEEPLY dysfunctional personality, but a very good person, and if he were a co-worker I would form a friendly relationship with him, I may even come to trust and rely on him, but he would not be a friend.
- My mum is a moron, self-centred, scatter-brained and very gullible, she tends to follow what people tell her to. I would not be her friend, she irks me, but she is family, so when she woke me up today with a phone call and didnt take the hint that I was asleep, I spent the next hour chatting rather than just hanging up on her because she is "Family".
- My brother is a pain in the arse, in the past I described him as a ****, but my sister has intervened and we get on a LOT better now, I can see us being friends, but I wouldnt trust him, however, because we are "Family" and I know it means something to him too, we are friends, and I do trust him, because in this case, the bond of "Family" has been a good thing and made an otherwise shaky friendship into a solid one. (To be fair though, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have ME as a friend given the choice, but hey, "Family")
- My sister is my best friend, family aside she is still my best friend, we are very alike in all the right ways, but she has none of my flaws, she has a few of her own sure, but none of mine, which is perfect. She is one of the VERY few people in this world who don't annoy me, and I would say that I'm lucky to have her as family, except I made that luck when I acted as primary parent when my own drew the line at providing food and shelter for her. I took on that burden because she was "Family" and my brother couldn't be bothered. I really didn't want to, but she was "Family" so I gained a sort-of-daughter, and she grew up a LOT like me, and I think my brother really missed out, its not every day you get the chance to MAKE a friend there is only 5 years difference, a lot when we were smaller, but we are peers now, the perfect friend is one you helped shape, and thats not possible without "Family".
 

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