Question about sex.
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
assuming this isn't just a casual encounter, then i might suggest talking it out beforehand & coming up with a game plan on how best to address your concerns, while simultaneously, satisfying his needs. This may involve some areas of compromise, in order to arrive at a conclusion that is preferable to both of you.
If he's hurting you, and you aren't into that, he needs to stop then and there. The whole point of sex is that it's supposed to be a good time for both parties, and if he refuses to stop, that shows he doesn't really value your needs or your enjoyment. And i'm sorry to say, but that's quite a red flag.
If it were me, and it was a casual hookup, i'd make him stop and then never see him again, cos i'm clearly not going to get what i'm after from him. And if it was a more serious relationship, i'd sit down with him and have a conversation about how that makes me feel like he doesn't care about whether i'm having a good time or not, why that bothers me, and try to discuss alternatives for if it starts to hurt again in future.
If you start hurting, it doesn't mean everything needs to stop completely, there are still other ways you can finish the job. It just means you need to switch it up to something different, and he can still end up more than satisfied. But the guy needs to accept the switch, or he's no good and willing to do whatever he has to to get exactly what he wants, which is gross and entitled.
If it were me, and it was a casual hookup, i'd make him stop and then never see him again, cos i'm clearly not going to get what i'm after from him. And if it was a more serious relationship, i'd sit down with him and have a conversation about how that makes me feel like he doesn't care about whether i'm having a good time or not, why that bothers me, and try to discuss alternatives for if it starts to hurt again in future.
If you start hurting, it doesn't mean everything needs to stop completely, there are still other ways you can finish the job. It just means you need to switch it up to something different, and he can still end up more than satisfied. But the guy needs to accept the switch, or he's no good and willing to do whatever he has to to get exactly what he wants, which is gross and entitled.
It's not all about just making the guy happy. As mentioned here already, sex should be mutually pleasurable. So maybe let him know, reiterate that it was uncomfortable and that he should've stopped when first told about this instead of just carrying on regardless. If he was as invested in her as she in him, then one would've thought he'd be more understanding in responding to her. In this case you could argue that for him, it was self gratification with therefore no regards for her at all.
Call me old fashioned but speaking from personal experiences, paying attention and and focusing on what she likes so both can reach climactic pleasure makes it more memorable and fulfilling. Unlike with this dude where he's just interested in himself. Could argue that the sex was therefore meaningless. In such cases, best thing to do could be to tell him to fuck off back to his place where he can sit by himself in one corner and crack himself off to his heart's content.
Call me old fashioned but speaking from personal experiences, paying attention and and focusing on what she likes so both can reach climactic pleasure makes it more memorable and fulfilling. Unlike with this dude where he's just interested in himself. Could argue that the sex was therefore meaningless. In such cases, best thing to do could be to tell him to fuck off back to his place where he can sit by himself in one corner and crack himself off to his heart's content.
Okay so I just stumbled on this thread and itās making me think because I recently read something similar on reddit. It was not a forum that I joined, but it was in my feed.
Disclosure: Iām a gay male, so I have an outside perspective. Nonetheless, people are people whether male or female, gay or straight.
The reddit thread I am referring to started with an experience a woman had in which a man did not stop when she expressed being in pain. Other comments were more women chiming in that this happened to them, too. Which I felt extremely sad about, because I can imagine that I would be traumatized if I asked a man to stop due to pain and he didnāt do so.
I have always felt that sex is really about the other personās pleasure, and if they are in pain, you arenāt doing it right. If I just want to please myself, well I can go play in my own, so to speak.
I understand the feeling that you need to somehow put your needs last, because I have been in this situation. However, I really donāt think itās healthy. The problem is that there are some men, possibly women, too, who donāt have empathy for their partners and will therefore not understand the expression of pain during an intimate encounter. The problem is with that, not your obligation to make him happy!!!
Ideally, we would all avoid that type of partner in the first place, and thatās not always possible because people can be different in private from their public life. I donāt know what the solution would be for straight women, since the physical strength/size difference would preclude escape once things get to a certain point.
But what I can offer is to agree on a safe word ahead of time, and agree that either partner will stop immediately if the other says the safe word. A consideration is that one partner may not be able to speak the safe word in the event that their mouth is otherwise occupied. So a gesture as well should be established for the safety of both.
If a potential partner is not willing to have this discussion, then that says something about them that is a red flag.
Also, consider the other personās perspective. I know that if I was hurting my partner and he didnāt tell me to stop, I would feel terrible. My feelings are not hurt by having to interrupt things, but rather that I was not able to give him pleasure. This is not the case for all guys, unfortunately, but at any rate, discussing boundaries and expectations ahead of time is the way I would approach this.
Disclosure: Iām a gay male, so I have an outside perspective. Nonetheless, people are people whether male or female, gay or straight.
The reddit thread I am referring to started with an experience a woman had in which a man did not stop when she expressed being in pain. Other comments were more women chiming in that this happened to them, too. Which I felt extremely sad about, because I can imagine that I would be traumatized if I asked a man to stop due to pain and he didnāt do so.
I have always felt that sex is really about the other personās pleasure, and if they are in pain, you arenāt doing it right. If I just want to please myself, well I can go play in my own, so to speak.
I understand the feeling that you need to somehow put your needs last, because I have been in this situation. However, I really donāt think itās healthy. The problem is that there are some men, possibly women, too, who donāt have empathy for their partners and will therefore not understand the expression of pain during an intimate encounter. The problem is with that, not your obligation to make him happy!!!
Ideally, we would all avoid that type of partner in the first place, and thatās not always possible because people can be different in private from their public life. I donāt know what the solution would be for straight women, since the physical strength/size difference would preclude escape once things get to a certain point.
But what I can offer is to agree on a safe word ahead of time, and agree that either partner will stop immediately if the other says the safe word. A consideration is that one partner may not be able to speak the safe word in the event that their mouth is otherwise occupied. So a gesture as well should be established for the safety of both.
If a potential partner is not willing to have this discussion, then that says something about them that is a red flag.
Also, consider the other personās perspective. I know that if I was hurting my partner and he didnāt tell me to stop, I would feel terrible. My feelings are not hurt by having to interrupt things, but rather that I was not able to give him pleasure. This is not the case for all guys, unfortunately, but at any rate, discussing boundaries and expectations ahead of time is the way I would approach this.
