Question and Rambling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dunnowhat, May 20, 2010.

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  1. dunnowhat

    dunnowhat Member

    Hi. I have a question. I’m not sure why I’m posting here and I hope this is the right section of the forum. I feel I should give some sort of introduction and why I’m here. I’m a 27 year old guy and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am pretty massively depressed. I think about killing myself pretty much non-stop at this point…like most the day all the time it just is in my head. Every once in a while I’ll have a day where I don’t think about it, but it’s getting pretty rare nowadays. Sorry if I ramble.

    I really have no reason to be depressed, and I’m not sure if I even am depressed or just obsessed with being depressed and suicide. I pretty much just hate everything/everyone and don’t see a point in anything anymore. The worrisome thing is that I’ve felt like this for, I would say, about 6-7 years…so I’m coming to the conclusion that I may need some help of some sort before it goes too far. Honestly I’ve always considered suicide an option since I was 15(I found out that talking about it caused more trouble than just thinking about it)...I never tried, and I wasn’t ever really unhappy till I was about 20-22 I think.

    I have a good job that pays well but I hate it. It doesn’t satisfy or fulfill me. It’s a really fun job and like I said, I get paid well. I live in a nice house in a good neighborhood, own a fairly nice car, have all the creature comforts one could want, but I still think that there is no point and why should I even live. I am lonely. I have friends and roommates and am rarely completely alone, but I still feel completely and utterly alone. I can’t talk to my friends about any of this cause they will think it’s absurd, even I think it’s absurd. I don’t have a gf and haven’t since I was about 23….I have come to the conclusion that I am unlovable and no one will love me with how much I hate myself and everything else.

    I’ve been on my own supporting myself since I was 18. My mom, dad, younger brother and sister all moved 3 states away shortly after I turned 18 and I decided to stay where I am, so I don’t have any family to go to really. I have a good family and I see them about once a year and talk to them on the phone occasionally but I still feel completely alone. I would say the only thing that really makes me not kill myself, is my little sister. She’s only 15 and it might destroy her mentally, even though I doubt that, since I’m not really in her life much other than chatting sometimes on facebook. And I know it’s selfish, but I know she would move on if I did do it.

    From what I remember, I started being like this about 6-7 years ago but it has been a gradual slide to where I am now. I don’t go out and do things because I so completely don’t give a fuck about anything and I can’t figure out why. I just want to quit life in general for no real reason other than there is no point. I’ve been like this for so long that I don’t even remember what I used to like to do lol. I do enjoy photography, but even that is wearing me out. I just don’t want to go take pictures of stuff because I see no point. It’s so effing pathetic and it drives me crazy. I try occupying myself by doing random things that don’t require much interaction with other people or exercising and it doesn’t really help much. Maybe for an hour or 2, but when I’m done it’s back to my normal suicidal ideations.

    So to my question, if you read through all that I’m sorry…I should have just asked the question. I haven’t been to a doctor in over 10 years and I want to go get a check-up and hopefully get some help with my suicidal thoughts…I’ve wanted to for a while, but I just don’t care enough. Who knows, it could be another year before I go, but I’m concerned it will be too late….and I really don’t even know why I even care about getting help, I am so confused as I am writing this. My question is that I need to know if telling a doctor that I have these feelings will end up with me put in a hospital. I live on the west coast of the United States as far as laws are concerned. I don’t feel I’m an imminent threat to myself, but at the same time, I want to get some help because I am afraid that I’m getting to that point. If I were to get put in a hospital, I know that it would just make me want to finish it all even more. I’ve heard that telling them you have a plan or means to an end, they can pretty much force you to check into a hospital. I do have a plan, many of them, I mean how would I not have plans when I think about it non-stop. I do have the means to end it. Do I just not tell the doctor this?

    Thanks for any info you may have. I am open to any advice or suggestions, even though I think I’ve read it all before.

    Please do not post about finding god or anything religious as I am NOT religious whatsoever and have no interest in changing my beliefs because of what some random person on a forum says. I mainly just want to know if I am depressed and if I will get hospitalized for talking to a doctor about my never-ending thoughts of suicide.
  2. alloutoftears

    alloutoftears Account Closed

    write your life story, seriously write down how you got to where you are now from when you started being able to remember things.

    you will see if you write it honestly where you truly are at and what the real situation is at

    imagine its your last assignment before you get permission to do what you want
  3. dunnowhat

    dunnowhat Member

    Thanks allout. Perhaps I will do that, it would at least occupy my time. But I seriously don't think there is anything worth writing about hah.

    Edit: Can you answer my question about whether or not a doctor could have me put in a hospital? I feel that I've lived this long without intervention that I could certainly survive another 3 days(without the drama and life consequences of being "observed in a hospital setting")...
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2010
  4. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    From my experience, a doctor wants to keep you out of hospital unless you are a real danger to yourself. Just thinking about suicide and making plans will not get you into hospital. They need to see that you actually have a definite plan to end your life, that you are going to execute that plan imminantly.

    From reading your post, and I am really sorry for what you are going through, it sounds like you are doing the best thing by getting help BEFORE it reaches that final stage. Please get help now and be completely honest with the doctor............I wish you all the very best with everything........shaz
  5. dunnowhat

    dunnowhat Member

    Thank you for the answer to my question shaz.

    After reading through a lot more threads in this forum, I'm even more confused. My problems are so non-existent compared to others... I feel like I'm an astronaut walking through empty dark space hoping and dreaming that my spacesuit gives out.
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with shaz.....please get help now before your spacesuit springs a hole..
  7. dunnowhat

    dunnowhat Member

    Does anyone have any advice on how to approach my GP about this? I haven't been in a really long time, and I don't really know what to say. I've never been to this doctor before. He's just some random doc I picked when signing up for my insurance 6 years ago.

    Edit: Thanks to the people who have replied. It has been some sort of relief to know that some people know how I feel, regardless of the unfamiliarity.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    best way is to tell him the truth about how you're feeling...the suicidal thoughts ,etc.
    he will probably ask you questions from there....
    you could make some notes beforehand and take it with you so you don't forget to mention anything..
    good luck...
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Be honest with him..If you don't want to go to the hospital just tell him about your depression and how it has caused you to have SI..Tell him your not actively a threat to your self..You just think about these things..He will prescribe you meds and may have to make changes in them because everyones body chemistry is different..Keep in mind it can take six to eight weeks before the meds start working..I wish you the best,..
  10. shazwackers

    shazwackers Well-Known Member

    I understand how you feel...I too have a 'good life' as far as it seems......a nice flat, no debts, live in a nice area, solid friends, so I relate to you hon. I too have a great family but they live a long way away. Don't worry about not having a girlfriend for a few years, that's more normal than you think. Get your mind back on track and that will sort itself out...relationships happen when you least expect them.

    I'm glad that you feel you have your sister to hold on for......thats a great start....I lost my mum to suicide and you never get over it.

    Tell your doctor a summary of what you have posted here......make some notes to take with you beforehand.........I do that every time I visit my doc..........hope this helps.....shaz......
  11. dunnowhat

    dunnowhat Member

    I know it's been a while since I posted this thread, but I just wanted to come back and say thanks to the people who took the time to respond. Nothing has really changed, except that I started seriously considering and planning my timeframes, just some intensely serious preparation. Luckily the logical and sane part of me has been paying attention to all the reading I've been doing, and realizes that this is pretty close to the point of no return....

    So, I called my mother and opened up to her a bit about how I was feeling (minus the suicidal thoughts) and found out that there is a lot of depression and other mental problems in my family history(schizophrenia, bipolar, as well as other physical diseases that have symptoms similar to depression and anxiety). I also found out that she has been worried about me for a while, cuz even though she lives thousands of miles away, she could tell that something was off just from the times we talk on the phone.

    So today, after months(I guess years, since it's been 10 years since I went to one), I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I am scared and nervous, and afraid that I will wimp out and let my anxieties get the best of me and not go. Hopefully I will. And after doing some online research about my GP, I saw that he has done several lectures on recognizing and treating depression in a GP that kind of comforts me. At least I know that he will hopefully take me seriously.

    Thanks again...
  12. pl2584

    pl2584 Member

    I feel the same way even though our circumstances are different. Perhaps you should talk to a professional.
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