question for women

Discussion in 'Soap Box' started by ba51th, Apr 22, 2014.

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  1. ba51th

    ba51th Well-Known Member

    if I have a relationship with a woman that doesn't love herself, is that true that she will destroy our intimacy, leave me and cheat me?
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I've never heard that before.

    I think that when we have self-respect and care about ourselves, others take their cue from that and are likely to respect and care for us. Is your partner receiving support/therapy for self-esteem issues? Maybe you could even explore it together through couples counseling if you think it's an issue. Unless it IS an issue now, perhaps don't worry about things, and instead just encourage each other to be the best and most loving, loveable and loved that you can be. That will help raise self-esteem in both of you and could help you build a strong relationship.

    :hug: to you.
     
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow, first time I hear that. I'm very loyal although I have a lot of insecurities. I've never cheated on my partners. Not liking yourself does not mean you will cheat. Where did you hear that from?
     
  4. ba51th

    ba51th Well-Known Member

    no, it's not me, there's no way a woman will be with me forever...


    me and some men that share a same problem discuss about something... he said that women that hate herself will do anything to destroy the intimacy, such as leaving her man or cheating him...

    so, I want to confirm it to all suicidal women that hate herself... so I can have a genuine answer and I can understand women better...
     
  5. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    No, women who have self esteem issues do not always cheat or break the intimacy in the relationship. Just because it has happened to someone that you have communicated with does not mean that every woman is the exact same way.

    Please do not tar us all with the same brush.
     
  6. ba51th

    ba51th Well-Known Member

    and that's why I gather information here...





    but this question is not yet complete... I'll complete it after I got enough answer...
     
  7. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    I do hate to say this... however, it took just one person to make you jump to the assumption that all women will cheat if they have self esteem issues... yet you require multiple/undefined amount to explain otherwise. To me it sounds like no matter how many people tell you so, you will still not believe it.
    First impressions last...
     
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    ba51th, I truly think that because every person is different, every relationship will be unique, too. It might be a bit rash to jump to conclusions based on one person's comments.

    A relationship is not made or broken by just one side. Both partners contribute to the success or the failure of a relationship. If communication is strong, honest, and open, then trust develops. And if there is trust, then emotional intimacy develops.

    What is your partner's past relationship history like? Long-term? Stormy? Calm? Short-lived? How is she with you? Has your partner said or done anything that makes you think she might cheat or leave? Or are your concerns based on your one friend's comments? (Just asking all this to make you think, not make you write out stuff here if you don't want to.)

    I think that when people get together, perhaps they could consider how easily can they talk about difficult/painful subjects? How often do they laugh together about the same things? Do they share the same concerns about the world/people? Do they have similar views and values about life and what they want in life? (The things we can't talk to a partner about that are important to us are things that are likely to cause relationship trouble.)

    I hope you find the insights that make things clear for you.
     
  9. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    (for clarity, I'm a guy)
    I would recommend looking at it like this. Instead of "women" think of it from the position of any person.
    "if I have a relationship with someone that doesn't love themself, is that true that he/she will destroy our intimacy, leave me and cheat me? "

    And your answer is straight forward. Regardless of sex, or even if you focus on women, it's still no. Cheating and leaving relationships/commitments are hardly an isolated feature of someone who doesn't love who they are. It's a very bland thing to state that you don't "Love yourself". Alot goes into what creates that expression or state, and those are the aspects that you need to focus on if you are worried about a disconnection in your relationship.

    Bare in mind, many people who love themselves will cheat till the hearts content. See what I mean? It's about how they value aspects of themselves and life, and that's specific information.


    *edit*
    .. You're in for a world of misunderstandings and confusion my friend. Unless you're in a circle where a certain mentality is extremely dominant, your approach to this situation is very peculiar. You seem to think "women" + "suicide" = "specific characteristic". .. No. People are fucky. They respond and act differently, even if the situations are exactly the same. That's why you need to know the person, or atleast have an idea of who they are.
    Yes suicide and depression can make certain characteristics more prevalent. But it's hardly a fixed guide.

    Tbh it sounds like the advice is someone who knows what they want, and doesn't have time to deal with people who are struggling with personal issues to the depths suicide can bring. So he's made a conclusion that he accepts so he can steer clear of people he doesn't want to deal with. Either that or he's had a bad experience and it's left a sour taste in his mouth.

    But just bare this in mind. Being in a relationship with someone that is struggling with who they are is no walk in the park. So if you ignore their struggle, chances are they will ignore you back.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2014
  10. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    apply the same question to men, if a man hates himself is more likely to cheat? there you have your answer.
     
  11. Eve-Lawrence

    Eve-Lawrence New Member

  12. ba51th

    ba51th Well-Known Member

    give me any impression that your stomach like, that I'm a bad guy, a jerk, anything that satisfy your emotion, but please get your sword off my neck, ojou-sama! I'm here just asking a simple question and looking for answers...


    Milady, if I have a relationship with a woman right now, you won't find me here. I will ask her to hug me so tight, feeling safe and secure in her arms... so please stop thinking that I have a relationship with a woman right now, if not... I will cry right away...






    let me tell the whole story why I ask this question


    me and some men that share a same problem (we are men that hate ourselves), we discussed about our problem and relationship.

    so one time, a man replied to my post, saying:
    "Do you think it's possible to have this kind of love filled relationship with another person without first being able to love yourself? Don't you think it would suck for you if she didn't love herself?"


    then I replied:
    "no... it wouldn't be suck for me...

    she may not love herself, but I love her... that's what's important for me...

    if I love her, I will always love her...

    I won't let her cry outside of my arms...

    to make sure she feel warm in my hug...

    to let her know... that I will always on her side... that I am a part of her body, a part of her mind, a part of her life...

    I won't leave her..."


    and then another guy come and replied my previous post:
    "If she don't love herself then chances are she won't let be as intimate with her as you're describing. You don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't love herself. She'll do anything to destroy the intimacy, such as leaving you or cheating"

    and

    "A woman who doesn't love herself is a woman to be avoided. Doesn't matter how physically beautiful she may be. Likewise, if you hate yourself then you can forget ever attracting a good woman into your life, or if you do unlikely manage to, the relationship will be miserable because of yourself and she almost certainly will bail on you."




    somehow his statement feels wrong to me, so I come to this forum asking this question...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2014
  13. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow those men are wrong, probably don't have much experience and are just jealous that you have this pure love for whoever you would fall in love.

    Love has no requirements. You can love even when you don't love yourself. So many people are insecure or feel unlovable but they fall in love with others, they love their pet, their family, their friend, even strangers or fictional characters. Those men sound sad and unhappy and maybe they don't want anyone else happy because it makes them feel sadder....

    I know I love a lot, even when I think I am unlovable and I should die....but I love my mother, I love my sister and I've fallen in love with men....

    insecurities causes problem in the sense that she might worry that her partner has found someone else because who could love her etc...but that like everything can be worked on with a good and understanding partner that is willing to work on the relationship...all relationship need work from both partners...

    you know hearing things like that makes me sad...if this is how men think...then they want the perfect woman, who doesn't exist, and I am far from perfect...by these standards, then I will be alone forever :(

    ps: there's no shame in asking questions, it's a good thing you did so don't appologise, I think this post hit home to a lot of people....
     
  14. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    The answer is no. I think a person is more likely to stay and want it to work because they feel no one else would have them.
     
  15. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Not everyone who hates themselves is suicidal. And not everyone who is suicidal hates themselves. (The latter may come as a shock, but it's true) That is a generalization in and of itself. Many people who are suicidal love themselves but hate their situation. You can love yourself and still suffer from psychological distress. Being suicidal does not automatically mean one hates themselves.

    This thread is full of generalizations. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way. But I do want to advise you not to generalize. No, a woman with low self esteem is not going to automatically cheat on you or ruin the relationship. Some of them will. ANd maybe even at a higher rate. But as they teach psych majors in college...

    correlation does NOT equal causation.

    I've said it once, I'll say it again. Just because there appears to be a correlation does not mean one causes the other. One might find a correlation between "x" religion and lying. That does not mean everyone who is "x" religion is a liar or even that believing "y" causes them to lie. Just the same, if your friend has found a correlation between low self esteem in women and cheating, that does not mean low self esteem caused the cheating. The best thing to do is look at women as they are - individuals. The same way men, too, are individuals.

    I don't know if I count as a woman. I am female to male transgender. So, I identify somewhere between female and male on the gender spectrum. But I do have low self esteem and no, I am not going to cheat on anyone I date. I have been known to inadvertently sabotage relationships. But that was not because of my self esteem, but because of my social disorder.
     
  16. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, ba51th. I misunderstood and thought you already were with a women with some self-esteem issues. I'm sorry.

    People of both sexes need to be well-adjusted, with strong self-esteem and a good sense of self-worth. Those things can be developed in a variety of ways, 1) how we look, dress; 2) what activities we participate in (volunteering, sports, music, community...); 3) level of satisfaction with school/job; 4) relationships with family and friends...and so on. What are we good at? What makes us special and important to the world? How do or could we contribute?

    When we have developed our sense of worth and self, we are whole and can offer a whole person to another in a relationship. So, sure, maybe having self-esteem is a really important part of a good relationship. But I think it is rash to think that someone whose self-esteem is a little low will automatically be a cheater or leave a relationship. Possibly it depends on the reasons for the low self-esteem and whether it is a situational response to recent events or if it is a long-term, ingrained poor self-image.

    I guess I'd be rooting for people to get themselves feeling really good and "whole" before they seek a relationship to make them feel whole. I have a feeling that looking for that from a partner puts too much expectation on them and doesn't allow us to give as much as we might want to receive.

    I've rambled. I'm sorry. I hope I've helped in some way. I think it's right to have some care and caution when we start any relationship. If there are red flags, then there is time to back out if we've gone cautiously. Good luck, ba51th. :)
     
  17. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't say that, but if two people who don't love themselves come together; they wouldn't truly understand how to love one another. This is from my own personal experience.
     
  18. Ijos

    Ijos Member

    I agree with the above, people are individuals. Speaking for myself: I feel very suicidal at the moment, but I certainly don't hate myself. It is more the situation around me that hurts too much sometimes, the main reason I am still walking around is that I don't want to hurt my children by being selfish and killing myself, but I dream about the possible peace it would give me.
     
  19. Ijos

    Ijos Member

    I do have problems feeling something special for other people and because of the lack of trust I have in people I will abandon a relationship quite quickly, if I start feeling "insecure" or "uncertain" about the other person and I need a lot of time on my own and don't like it when people get to close to me or want to know everything about me.

    I think this has more to do with trust issues than with the fact that I don't like myself. I do care about myself and have accepted myself.
     
  20. Forget2Trust

    Forget2Trust Active Member

    Hell if I know.
     
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